


Marx Attempts to Ruin a Group Chat

by Chime (Chimeranyx), Chimeranyx



Series: Chatficverse [1]
Category: Hoshi no Kaabii | Kirby: Right Back at Ya!, Kirby (Video Games)
Genre: AU counterparts talking to each other, Abuse, Accidental Drug Use, Alcohol, Art, Brainwashing, Christmas episode, Emotional Baggage, First Kiss, Gen, Humans are rare, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kirby is a bit too trusting, Little Shop of Horrors Spoilers, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Murder, Polysexual Susie, Religious Discussion, Swearing, Trans Daroach, Trans Zan Partizanne, Weird dreams, aro/ace marx, bed sharing, borb - Freeform, casual coming out, chatfic, dad friend dedede, don't try to convince me otherwise, entomophagy, gooey can't type, implied ahegao, little orphan adeleine, mutual slut-shaming, nb!adeleine, past metadedede, scarfy sacrifice, taranza displays actual spider behavior, this thing starts out with a headcanon-based plot and it's only gonna go deeper, torture but it's silly, weird metaphysical stuff, yes anime dedede is an abuser
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2020-10-27 05:33:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 54,778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20755148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimeranyx/pseuds/Chime, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chimeranyx/pseuds/Chimeranyx
Summary: King Dedede and Meta Knight create a chat so that Kirby's friends can coordinate their plans with him. Marx sees a wonderful place to be a turd.Please don't be scared of my tag cloud. I ramble because i'm stupid and have adhd.





	1. Kirby's friend chat turns into a Taranza support group

**Author's Note:**

> rated t for swearing and the fact that taranza gets crunk at one point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "i just wanted something nice for once" -king dedede, probably

_ 1:35 PM _

** _His Royal Highness, King Dedede _ ** _ created chat _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _His Royal Highness, King Dedede_ ** _ added _ ** _Meta Knight_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ ** _ . _

** _His Royal Highness, King Dedede_ ** _ gave _ ** _Meta Knight_ ** _ admin privileges. _

**Meta Knight:** Sir, a suggestion?

**His Royal Highness, King Dedede:** Yeah?

**Meta Knight:** Change your username if you don’t want everyone to make fun of you.

**His Royal Highness, King Dedede:** >:(

**Meta Knight:** It makes you look like a pretentious jerk.

**Meta Knight:** And that is NOT the message you are trying to send here.

**His Royal Highness, King Dedede:** ugh fine

** _His Royal Highness, King Dedede_ ** _ has changed their name to _ ** _Dedede_ ** _ . _

**Dedede: **Better?

**Meta Knight:** Better.

**Meta Knight:** Let’s get to work. I’ve sent you all the contact information for just about everyone.

**Dedede:** Working on it, there’s… a lot.

** _Dedede_ ** _ added _ ** _19 people_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ ** _ . _

**Dedede:** I bet you’re all wondering why we’ve brought you here today.

**Marx:** did kirby fucking die

**Dedede:** what no

**Meta Knight:** But this does involve Kirby. Since he loves doing things with his friends, we figured we’d make a chat so we can coordinate our plans.

**Meta Knight:** … And there’s the “several people are typing.” 

** _Bandanna Waddle Dee_ ** _ has changed their name to _ ** _B.Dee_ ** _ . _

** _Susanna Patyra Haltmann_ ** _ has changed her name to _ ** _Susie_ ** _ . _

** _Daroach_ ** _ has changed their name to _ ** _Daddyroach_ ** _ . _

** _Dedede_ ** _ has changed _ ** _Daroach_ ** _ ’s name back to default. _

**Rick:** oi cunts

**Marx:** :o

**Magolor:** Well this is off to a good start already

**Meta Knight:** Watch your language.

**Marx:** make me bitch

**Meta Knight:** Kirby or Adeleine could be watching.

**Marx:** adeline’s an adult she’s fine

**Meta Knight:** She’s eleven.

**Marx:** oh

**Marx:** this has been enlightening

**Rick:** right, sorry meta knight

**Ribbon:** you’re lucky adeleine’s painting right now >:(

**Gooey:** canweeehavenicknammmmmesorn

**Gooey:** nooot

**Meta Knight:** You may have appropriate nicknames.

**Daroach:** so you mean “keep naming myself Daddyroach until you either ban me or give up”

**Meta Knight:** No.

** _Gooey_ ** _ has changed their name to _ ** _guiugegoh_ **

**Magolor:** okay so i’m having the lor read this chat to me while i do other things and i absolutely lost it when gooey started sending messages

**Magolor** has changed his name to **Gay Egg**

**Dedede:** wait you can change pronouns on this?

**Susie:** Get with the times, old man.

**Dedede:** HEY

**Susie:** You do it in your personal settings.

**Dedede:** Oh thanks.

**Daroach:** gtg spinni just walked in and ripped ass, then ran off

**guiugegoh:** whhhereiskirby

**Dedede:** Taking a nap before we go pick up Taranza

**guiugegoh**: oooooooohhh

**guiugegoh:** whyyyypickuptaranza

**Dedede:** He’s going to be staying in Dreamland for a bit.

**Meta Knight:** My crew and I are preparing the Halberd as we speak.

**Gay Egg:** Why do you need a battleship?

**Gay Egg:** That’s a bit… much.

**Meta Knight:** We’re going to be taking his luggage. Luggage doesn’t fit on the warpstar, and he has too much to carry by his magic alone.

**Marx:** how much baggage does he even have?

**Gay Egg:** You guys could have told me and I’d bring the lor

**Gay Egg:** His stuff could fit, I’m pretty sure

**Meta Knight:** The Halberd will be fine.

**Gay Egg:** You might scare the Floralians though!

**Gay Egg:** The lor is a lot friendlier looking

**Dedede:** If you want to go to floralia just say so, Magolor.

**Gay Egg: **No

**Gay Egg:** I want as many people to hear the lor reading off gooey’s typing as possible

**Susie:** A noble cause.

**guiugegoh:** meanegggggggggg

**Marx:** MEAN EGG

**Gay Egg:** shut up you smelly grape

**Gay Egg:** that’s marx not you gooey

**guiugegoh:** oooooooooook

**Gay Egg:** you are doing your best but the lor reads it off one letter at a time when you repeat a letter more than twice

**Gay Egg**: and I just hear “g g g g g g g” echoing throughout the ship

**guiugegoh:** sounnnnndsssfunnny

**Gay Egg**: oh it is

**Dedede:** on second thought maybe the Lor _ is _ a better option

**Dedede:** he is right about it looking more friendly

**Dedede:** plus taranza could probably wave goodbye from the upper deck, and he seems like the kinda guy to do that

**Gay Egg:** I can come to dreamland quickly

**Dedede:** do it

**Marx:** dewit

**Meta Knight:** Vul will be upset with me, but I’ll let him take the Halberd for a joyride over Orange Ocean. 

**Kirby:** hiii, i’m awake! (^.^)

**Meta Knight:** Kirby, there's been a change of plans. Scroll up.

**Kirby:** Okay!

**Kirby:** hmm, most of my friends are here, but not all of them.

**Kirby:** oh well i’ll fix it later!

**Kirby:** we gotta go!

* * *

_ 3:49 P.M. _

**B.Dee:** and that’s when i realized it wasn’t apple juice, it was hard cider

**Ribbon:** oh no!!!

** _Meta Knight_ ** _ has changed _ ** _Daddyroach_ ** _ ’s name to _ ** _Chuck E. Cheese_ ** _ . _

**Chuck E. Cheese:** aww rats

**Marx: **Badum TISH

**B.Dee:** WB!

**Ribbon:** Welcome back!!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** welcome back though, how’s our spider boy

**Gay Egg:** hey uh guys?

**Gay Egg:** why didn’t you tell me that the ENTIRE FUCKING SECTRA CLAN WAS GOING TO BE TRYING TO KILL TARANZA????

**Susie:** they WHAT

**Marx:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Meta Knight:** You can come talk to us in person, Magolor. We’re on the same ship.

**Gay Egg:** I don’t want to.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** WHAT

**Chuck E. Cheese:** ISN’T HE THEIR LEADER OR SOMETHING

**Gay Egg:** um

**Dedede:** we’re gonna let taranza explain later

**Dedede:** if he wants to that is

**Ribbon:** oh gosh is he okay???

**Gay Egg:** yes and no

**Gay Egg:** we got him out without a scratch but he’s crying

**Gay Egg:** Kirby is cuddling him right now and we’re anchored near the castle

**Meta Knight:** All in all, it actually went smoother than expected.

**Gay Egg:** YOU CALL THAT SMOOTH? A ROCKY’S SKIN IS SMOOTHER THAN THAT.

**Meta Knight:** We smuggled all of his things on board without being questioned. Taranza is alive and uninjured.

**Meta Knight:** I was expecting to find him beat to a pulp.

**Meta Knight:** If it makes you feel better, consider us even for your stunt with the Master Crown.

**Gay Egg:** It does not.

**Dedede:** We’re moving Taranza to his room now. B. Dee, I’m assembling troops to watch over him in case of assassins

**B.dee:** Yes sir!

**Marx:** they’re still after him? wild.

**Zan Partizanne:** It appears I’ve logged in at a bad time.

**Zan Partizanne:** Still, I would be glad to offer assistance in guarding Taranza.

**Susie: **I as well.

**Dedede:** Really?

**Susie:** I figure he’s my friend too.

**Susie:** And what are friends for, if not to guard you from murderous members of your clan?

**Dedede:** Thanks guys. Be over here ASAP.

**Dedede:** Wait hang on

** _Dedede_ ** _ has given admin permissions to _ ** _Coo._ **

**Marx:** WHAT??? why coo?

**Dedede:** because he’s the most responsible one to be up at ungodly hours and I need someone to watch this chat.

**Marx:** I think it’s bird solidarity.

**Dedede:** Anyway bye y’all

**Dedede:** See you when I see you

Marx: it's nepotism i tell ya

* * *

_ 2:19 AM _

**Taranza:** Hello?

**Coo:** You’re up late.

**Taranza:** Couldn’t sleep. I didn’t want to wake up Dedede but I need someone to talk to.

**Taranza:** I'd also like to… explain things, I think, if everyone’s confused?

**Coo:** Who is awake, out of all of us?

**guiugegoh:** meeeeeeeeeee

**Marx:** Hey nerd

**Sword Lesbian:** Me

**Gay Egg:** I’d like an explanation.

**Taranza:** Pardon, but I don’t know of anyone named Sword Lesbian? Or Gay Egg?

**Sword Lesbian:** JDJFIOAJDIO

**Marx:** HA

**Gay Egg:** I’m Magolor.

**Sword Lesbian:** I’m Flamberge! i’m right outside your room, guarding it.

**Taranza:** Oh.

**Taranza:** OH NICKNAMES

**Taranza:** I’ll think of one later.

**Sword Lesbian:** do you need a glass of water or something

**Taranza:** I need to talk, but a glass of water sounds nice, actually.

**Taranza:** … Or, perhaps, wine?

**Taranza:** I need a drink.

**Marx:** damn, taranza’s getting cruuuunk

** _Coo_ ** _ has silenced _ ** _Marx_ ** _ for five (5) minutes. _

** _Coo_ ** _ has changed _ ** _Marx_ ** _ ’s name to Nasty_**_ Grape_ ** _ . _

**Coo:** Into time out you go. Wear the nickname of shame and think about what you wrote.

**Sword Lesbian: **i’ll ask a waddle dee if they’ve got wine around here for you pal.

**Taranza: **Thank you. Now, before I get drunk, I’d like to tell everyone what happened.

**Taranza:** I was de facto king of Floralia until earlier this evening. And then I publicly stepped down, and transferred my authority to someone I felt could take on the job.

**guiugegoh:** whhyyy?

**Taranza:** I just… couldn’t handle it I guess?

**guiugegoh:** badddd?

**Taranza: **Yes.

**Taranza:** Everything I saw… um.

**Taranza:** Nevermind that thought.

**Taranza: **But, in the law of the Sectra clan, a leader who steps down must be driven from the territory or be cannibalized.

**Coo:** How ghastly.

**Sword Lesbian:** …. do you want a hug?

**Taranza:** that would be nice

**Sword Lesbian:** i’m comin in

**Gay Egg:** So if I’m getting this correctly, you’re an exile now?

**Taranza:** yes

**Gay Egg:** That’s horrible.

**Gay Egg:** Hey um

**Gay Egg:** If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask, alright?

**Taranza: **This may be an odd request, but do you have extra pillows?

**Gay Egg:** I do! Do you want me to bring them to you?

**Taranza:** Please.

**Coo:** Do try to get some rest, Taranza.

**Coo:** I think you need it.

** _Nasty Grape_ ** _ is now unsilenced! _

**Nasty Grape:** moist panty plop

** _Coo_ ** _ has silenced _ ** _Nasty Grape_ ** _ for ten (10) minutes. _

**Coo:** Just go to bed, Marx.

* * *

_4:22 AM_

**Taranza:** ifunkgjing love wine

**Gay Egg:** me too

**Sword Lesbian:** YES

* * *

_ 6:56 AM _

**Kirby:** good morning everyone!!!!! do you know what time it is?

**Kirby:** friend time!!!!!!

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Chef Kawasaki_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Dark Meta Knight_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Kirby _ ** _ has added _ ** _Prince Fluff_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Elline_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Claycia_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Bonkers_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Vividria_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

**Dark Meta Knight:** …

** _Dark Meta Knight_ ** _ has left the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

**Kirby:**(ono)

**Kirby:** hey **@Zan Partizanne @Francisca @Sword Lesbian** does hyness have a phone??? i don’t wanna leave him out of my friend chat!!!

**Kirby:** i already had to leave out whispy because he doesn’t want to get a phone (ono)

**Kirby:** i wanna add dyna blade too but she doesn't know what a phone is

**Taranza:** Good morning to you too, Kirby.

**Taranza:** Flamberge is asleep right now. I’m not sure about the other two.

**Kirby:** oh! taranza are you feeling better?

**Taranza:** Not particularly. But I’m getting settled in to the best of my abilities.

**Taranza:** Is it rude to remove a bed? I don’t exactly require one, as my web does just fine and I find it very comfy.

**Kirby:** (*o*) you’re spinning a web? cool! can i come see?

**Taranza:** If you’d like.

**Nasty Grape:** hey sluts wanna read my abo fanfic

**Taranza:** My morning just got worse.

**Kirby:** what’s abo? is it a tv show?

**Nasty Grape:** oh snap kirby is here nvm

**Nasty Grape:** no cursed fanfic when the baby’s here

**Kirby:** baby?

**Nasty Grape:** you’re baby

**Kirby:** i’m baby?

**Nasty Grape:** yes

** _Gooey_ ** _ set their name back to default. _

**Gooey:** cantgetnikcnammmmerigggght

**Kirby:** maybe ask one of the admins? did coo go to bed?

**Gooey:** forgooootwhatiwaantedmyyyynickkkkkknametobee

**Nasty Grape:** valid

**Francisca:** Bonjam, Kirby. Hyness does not have a phone.

**Kirby:** awww that’s too bad (ono)

**Kirby:** anyway taranza i’m coming over! See you soon!!!!

**Taranza:** ::3

**Francisca:** What is that?

**Taranza:** That? It’s me!

**Francisca:** It looks nothing like you?

**Taranza:** Tilt your head to the left.

**Francisca:** Oh…? Oh! I see now!

**Francisca:** It’s your little smiling face!

**Francisca:** Jawaii!

**Taranza:** Aww, thanks. Kirby sometimes uses emotes that look like him too!

**Francisca:** That’s jawaii too! I’ll look into emotes.

**Taranza:** Oh, while I have you... can you come collect your sister?

**Taranza:** She passed out here last night after giving her hat a bath.

**Francisca:** Her... hat.

**Taranza:** Don't ask.


	2. Marx abuses @everyone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Movie night becomes movie weekend, Borb, and Hyness gets a phone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains a high amount of Little Shop of Horrors references, and two cursed banana pictures. You've been warned.
> 
> Most of the characters have kept their names, but some have not. Here is a key:
> 
> Nasty Grape - Marx (Name was assigned to him by Coo)  
Gay Egg - Magolor  
Sword Lesbian - Flamberge  
Chuck E. Cheese - Daroach (name was assigned to him by Meta Knight)

_ 12:00 am _

**Nasty Grape:** hey, hey, hey!

**Nasty Grape:** guess what day it iiiiiis **@everyone**

**Dedede:** Marx i will devour you

**Nasty Grape:** vore me daddy

**Chuck E. Cheese:** go to fucking hell marx

**Nasty Grape:** but it’s friday

**Dedede:** so?

**Susie:** The block button looks awfully tempting...

**Nasty Grape:** Fear Friday

**Dedede:** ooooh

**Dedede:** MARX IT’S STILL MIDNIGHT

**Gay Egg:** op? Oppp? hjbbbbbbbbbbbbbbn

**Nasty Grape:** with that delightful commentary from magolor’s ass i figured i’d post the link to the [FIRST EVER FEAR FRIDAY POLL](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-15VC4Yxzys)

**Nasty Grape:** so you can finally taste democracy

**B.Dee:** how scary are these? I don’t like scary movies…

**Bonkers:**

**B.Dee:** oh that’s spooky but i think i can handle it

**Bonkers: **...

**Bonkers:** this isn’t the secret meme chat

**Gay Egg:** marx how did you know

**Gay Egg:** that i sat on my phone

**Gay Egg:** well more accurately i rolled over onto it

**Nasty Grape:** oh you actually did? i was just guessing

**Gooey:** secccretmemmmmechat

**Gooey:** iwwwantttttossssseee

**Nasty Grape:** bonkers, invite our good man

**Bonkers:** will do

**Gooey:** yesssssssssss

**Taranza:** If you pick Little Shop I’m sitting it out.

**Nasty Grape:** don’t like vore?

**Taranza:** Plants and dead love interests aren’t a good mix for me.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** marx if you don’t stop talking about vore i’ll vore your fucking retinas

**Nasty Grape:** hot

**Nasty Grape:** anyway the poll closes at noon **@everyone**

**Coo:** MARX

**Nasty Grape:** uh oh

**Coo:** I WILL TAKE AWAY YOUR EVERYONE PRIVILEGES

**Kirby:** what’s going on?

**Kirby:** oh! fear friday!

**Kirby:** it’s cool we get to pick, marx! (^u^)

**Rick:** which one of you fucking cunts woke me up at fucking midnight

**Coo:** _Rick._

**Rick:** Sorry.

**Zan Parmesan:** Two things.

**Zan Parmesan:** Who changed my name.

**Zan Parmesan:** And what are any of these movies.

**Rick:** You’ve never seen any of them?

**Zan Parmesan:** Can’t say that I have.

**Zan Parmesan:** We didn’t really watch movies at all, come to think of it.

**Zan Parmesan:** Probably because we didn’t own a DVD player.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Oh shit

**Chuck E. Cheese:** We’re fixing that this weekend.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Squeak Squad movie marathon weekend, starting with Fear Friday.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Bring your weird dad.

**Kirby:** I’ll put it on the calendar! (^o^)

**Rick:** Are weird dads necessary to get in?

**Chuck E. Cheese:** No. Only bring a weird dad if you have one.

**Gay Egg:** I’m going back to sleep

**Francisca:** Sweet Dreams! uwu

**Dedede:** OH GOD FRANCISCA NO

**B.Dee:** which one is the movie that most resembles the spooky banana picture?

**Adeleine:** HEY

**Adeleine:** WHO WOKE ME UP FROM THE DREAM WHERE I WON SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS FROM MCDONALDS

**Adeleine:** I WAS GONNA BUY META KNIGHT A NEW DISHWASHER

**Nasty Grape:** oops

**Nasty Grape:** that sounds genuinely distressing i’m actually sorry

**Adeleine:** YOU JERK

* * *

_ 9:00 AM _

**Kine:** He rakes and

**Nasty Grape:** eats my hair

**Kine:** He loves to

**Nasty Grape:** smoke dank weed

**Kine:** I cook like

**Nasty Grape:** kawasaki

**Kine:** And I look like

**Nasty Grape:** dedede

**Kine:** There’s plastic on the furniture

**Nasty Grape:** to keep it free of bees

**Kine:** IN THE PINE-SOL SCENTED AIR

**Nasty Grape:** SOMEWHERE THERE’S MEMES

**Rick:** Kine this is why your girl broke up with you

**Rick:** stop memeing genuinely heartbreaking songs

**Nasty Grape:** how is somewhere that’s green genuinely heartbreaking

**Rick:** EXCUSE YOU?

**Rick:** SHE’S SINGING ABOUT ESCAPING _ ABUSE _ MARX

**Rick:** AND SHE DOESN’T GET ALL THE THINGS SHE TALKS ABOUT

**Nasty Grape:** yes she does she lives and gets married to seymour

**Kine:** Yeah and they move to the home from her daydreams

**Nasty Grape:** And there’s a baby plant in their garden

**Rick:** NOT IN THE STAGE VERSION

**Rick:** AND THE ORIGINAL CUT

**Nasty Grape:** WHAT

**Nasty Grape:** no seriously what happens in the stage version?

**Rick:** She dies marx

**Nasty Grape:** OH

**Rick:** Audrey II managed to kill her

**Rick:** Or her sleeping pill kicked in depending on who you ask

**Kine:** this is

**Kine:** genuinely distressing information

**Nasty Grape:** i’d like to apologize for my recent behavior

**Kine:** … is it alright if we meme whatever the plant says?

**Rick:** oh sure go ahead

**Kine:** nice

**Rick:** Meme green mother from outer space

**Nasty Grape:** AND I AM

**Gay Egg:** guys my muffin exploded

**Kine:** BAD

**Gay Egg:** Yes this is bad

** _Chef Kawasaki_ ** _ has changed his name to _ ** _Kawasaki_ **

**Nasty Grape:** kawasaki, analysis

**Kawasaki:** HOW DID YOU EXPLODE A MUFFIN

**Gay Egg:** i wanted it to be warm so i put it in the microwave

**Gay Egg:** and forgot how strong the lor’s microwave is

**Kawasaki:** Ohh

**Kawasaki:** Do you want pancakes? I’m making pancakes right now, i can always make more.

**Gay Egg:** you know what, sure, i’ll come over

**Gay Egg:** do you have coffee? i’ll bring over my own if you don’t

**Kawasaki:** Hey you’re Halcandran, right?

**Gay Egg:** what does that have to do with anything

**Kawasaki:** I heard Halcandran coffee beans produce some of the best coffee in the galaxy.

**Kawasaki:** What I’m getting at is yes, I might possibly want your coffee.

**Gay Egg:** dude i’ve got like 5 bags of halcandran coffee beans, do you have a grinder?

**Kawasaki:** I absolutely do.

**Kawasaki:** Get over here and bring your beans.

**Taranza:** Mind if I join you?

**Kawasaki:** Not at all!

**Kawasaki:** It’s a pancake party and everyone is invited.

**Kirby:** pancakes????

**B.Dee:** I’ll bring some apple juice!

**Taranza:** I’ll bring some tea for those of us who prefer it.

**Sword Lesbian:** oh shit free pancakes **@Francisca @Zan Parmesan**

** _Zan Parmesan_ ** _ has changed her name to _ ** _Zan Pancake_ **

**Francisca:** We can stop by before we get Hyness his phone! I’ll bring some ice cream to put on top uwu.

**Susie:** That sounds incredible. I’m coming over.

**Nasty Grape:** **@everyone** PANCAKE PARTY

**Rick:** MARX NO

**Meta Knight:** I’d argue this is an appropriate use of that ping.

**Nasty Grape:** thank you

**Meta Knight:** I’m heading over to try Halcandran coffee.

**Ribbon:** I picked berries yesterday, so I’ll bring them over!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** I’ve got a thing of ricotta

**Meta Knight:** It’s good to see this chat used for its original purpose.

**Dedede:** it’s only been four days give them a break and enjoy your pancakes and coffee you borb

**Nasty Grape:** OH SHIT

**Nasty Grape:** THERE IT IS

**Nasty Grape: @everyone** BORB ALERT

**Meta Knight:** MARX

**Kine:** BORB

**B.Dee:** borb…

**Bonkers:** borb

**Kirby:** borb!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** BORB

**Adeleine:** Borb

**Gay Egg:** Borb

**Gooey:** bbbboorb

**Sword Lesbian:** Borb

**Taranza:** Borb!

**Rick:** Borb

**Ribbon:** borb

**Francisca:** Borb?

**Susie:** Borb.

**Meta Knight:** I am no borb.

**Nasty Grape:** HE SAID IT

** _Kirby_ ** _ has changed _ ** _Meta Knight’s_ ** _ name to _ ** _Borb_ ** _ . _

**Chuck E. Cheese:** KIRBY HAS SPOKEN

**Chuck E. Cheese:** YOU ARE _ BORB _

**Borb:** WHO GAVE KIRBY ADMIN PRIVILEGES

**Dedede:** I DID

**Dedede:** SO HE CAN ADD HIS FRIENDS

**Borb:** Alright, fair.

**Nago:** borb :3c

**Borb:** Shush.

* * *

_ 9:34 AM _

**Kawasaki:** Why are you all standing outside my house chanting borb?

**Kawasaki:** nvm I see why.

* * *

_ 10:51 AM _

**Dedede:** Seriously, Meta’s been all “no fun allowed” in this chat and that’s just not jiving with me

**Dedede:** this is a chat for your friends, and you’re all about fun!

**Kirby:** yeah!

**Kirby:** i wish he’d stop being mean (ono)

**Kirby:** oh speaking of friends! zan just sent me a certain contact!!!!!

** _Kirby_ ** _ has added _ ** _Hyness_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

**Kirby:** hiiii!

**Hyness:** bonjam kirby

**Kirby:** if you want to hang out with anyone, you can ask them here!

**Kirby:** you can get their attention by putting @ in front of their name

**Hyness:** ok

**Nasty Grape:** like this! **@everyone**

**Dedede:** MARX

**Susie:** Silence, you foul jester.

** _Nasty Grape_ ** _ has changed his name to _ ** _Foul Jester_ ** _ . _

**Kirby:** say hi to hyness, everyone!

**Gooey:** hhhhhhhiiiiiiii

**Gay Egg:** Hiness!

**Taranza:** magolor oh my god

**Adeleine:** what’s happening?

**Taranza:** Aww i checked the poll and little shop is winning 3::

**Adeleine:** Sorry :(

**Taranza:** It’s fine, I have a book that I intended to read.

**Taranza:** Don’t worry about me. I’ll brew a nice pot of tea and relax.

**Hyness:** that sounds nice

**Kirby:** you sure you don’t want to come? everyone sings along when there’s a musical!

**Adeleine:** if anything, that’s a reason to avoid it

**Kirby:** you don’t like singing?

**Adeleine:** No, but he might not.

**Kirby:** that’s okay!!! he doesn’t have to!

**B.Dee:** maybe he doesn't know the words and he's embarrassed?

**Kirby:** we’ll turn on the captions!!

**Taranza:** Kirby, I’ll be fine. I just don’t want to watch that movie in particular.

**Taranza:** I doubt everyone wants to see me cry.

**Kirby:** oh, wait, i think i know why you don’t want to see this movie

**Kirby:** sorry (>-<)

**Kirby:** but it’s okay! You can see if ribbon, b.dee or chuchu are sitting the movie out, they don’t like scary movies!

**B.Dee:** I actually really like little shop, sorry Taranza!

**Taranza:** It’s alright. I’ll get in contact with the other two.

**Kirby:** okay!!!

* * *

_ 1:15 PM _

** _Meta Knight_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Kirby_ ** _ ! _

**Meta Knight:** Kirby.

**Kirby:** yeah?

**Meta Knight:** I didn’t mean to come off as mean.

**Meta Knight:** To me, it feels as though nobody is taking the chat seriously.

**Kirby:** i mean, i guess it doesn’t matter to me, so long as everyone’s having fun!

**Kirby:** i like seeing all my friends talk to each other! Because, well, um.

**Kirby:** don’t tell anyone i said this, but i was worried that my friends wouldn’t be friends with each other.

**Kirby:** if that makes sense?

**Meta Knight:** It does.

**Kirby:** and i don’t want that!

**Meta Knight:** I see.

**Meta Knight:** I’ll try to be less harsh.

**Kirby:** cool! Thanks meta knight!

**Kirby:** it’d be nice if you had fun too!

**Kirby:** also!

**Kirby:** i’m sorry i called you borb.

**Kirby:** that was mean, but you were being mean too!

**Kirby:** so i thought i’d give you a taste of your own medicine.

**Meta Knight:** It’s alright, Kirby. Everyone seems to like it, so I’ll keep the nickname.

**Kirby:** really?

**Kirby:** cool!

* * *

_ 1:18 am _

** _Flamberge_ ** _ created chat _ ** _“Jambeastie Boys”_ **

** _Flamberge_ ** _ added _ ** _Francisca_ ** _ , _ ** _Zan Partizanne_ ** _ , and _ ** _Hyness_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Jambeastie Boys”_ ** _ . _

**Zan Partizanne:** Flamberge.

**Zan Partizanne:** What is that name.

**Flamberge:** a joke. something you don’t get Zan.

**Zan Partizanne:** Rude.

**Hyness:** goodness another chat?

**Francisca:** Yes! This one’s just you and us.

**Francisca:** uwu

**Hyness:** what does uwu mean

**Francisca:** You know, I’m not quite sure, but it’s jawaii, right?

**Hyness:** i suppose

**Francisca:** It’s called an emote! Taranza taught me about them, and I’ll teach you how to use them too!

**Hyness:** sounds good

**Hyness:** zan par

**Zan Partizanne:** Yes?

**Hyness:** why are you zan pancake in the big chat

**Hyness:** that’s not your name

**Flamberge:** my name’s not Sword Lesbian but you’re not complaining about that.

**Hyness:** that’s you?

**Zan Partizanne:** Well,

**Zan Partizanne:** It’s a joke.

**Zan Partizanne:** Anyway, we’ve been invited to watch movies this weekend, starting with tonight.

**Zan Partizanne:** Do you want to go?

**Flamberge:** are you asking all of us or

**Zan Partizanne:** Yes, all of you.

**Flamberge:** i’m down

**Francisca:** I’d love to go!

**Hyness:** i shall go

**Zan Partizanne:** Good. I’ll tell Daroach.

* * *

_ 9:24 PM _

**Susie: **Why is Dedede such a good Audrey II?

**Chuck E. Cheese:** He's perfect.

**Gay Egg:** seriously he just stood up and went “ ** _FEED ME”_ **

**Gay Egg:** and we all knew

**Susie:** I’m recording his performances.

**Ribbon:** we can kind of hear you guys, but it’s muffled!

**Taranza:** Can you send me the audio? I’d love to hear him sing Mean Green Mother.

**Taranza:** You can send Downtown too.

**Susie:** Are you sure? Kirby told me that this movie may bring up bad memories for you.

**Taranza:** The songs should be fine on their own.

**Ribbon:** You can send me all the recordings!

**Susie:** Understood. We’re doing a bathroom and snack break right now.

**Taranza:** I put on the audiobook version of my book, and I’m knitting Ribbon a scarf.

**Ribbon:** he’s really fast!

**Foul Jester:** aww man i should have sat this one out

**Susie:** Marx, you’re the host of Fear Friday.

**Foul Jester:** I COULD BE GETTING A NICE SCARF RIGHT NOW SUSIE!

**Taranza:** I only make scarves for those who sit and listen quietly.

**Foul Jester:** i can do that!

**Foul Jester:** kine and i stayed quiet during somewhere that’s green like good little boys

**Rick:** You did. I’m proud of ya

**Foul Jester:** susie stole the show there anyway

**Rick:** That she did! She’s a choice Audrey.

**Susie:** I know.

**Susie:** B.Dee is an adorable Seymour.

**Borb:** We have the soundtrack disc, right?

**Dedede:** for the stage version, and it works in karaoke machines like the one we’ve got hooked up right now

**Dedede:** so we can sing the songs the movie doesn't have

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Oh, nice.

**Taranza:** Ooh, I might come down for that. As long as we leave out the Somewhere That’s Green reprise.

**Dedede:** that’s absolutely fine

**Ribbon:** I’ll go too!

**Gay Egg:** is this turning into karaoke night? because i'm okay with that

**Hyness:** is there any reason kirby is banned from using the microphone

**Hyness:** he’s a horrible singer but i don’t think that’s reason to ban him from using it

**Dedede:** oh it is

**Dedede:** trust me on this

**Foul Jester:** okay, break time’s over ** @everyone**, stop shitting and get out here!

**Foul Jester:** wait shit

**Prince Fluff:** um

**Borb:** MARX.

**Foul Jester:** I MEANT TO PING BANDANNA DEE

**Kirby:** hi fluff!

* * *

_ 12:14 AM _

**Hyness:** i’m mean and green

**Hyness:** and i am

**Bonkers:**

**Hyness: bad**


	3. Magolor has an Interesting Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magolor takes a hostage, learns the meaning of his name, gets fake married, then falls in love. All in all, a normal day in Dream Land.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Most of the characters have kept their names, but some have not. Here is a key:
> 
> Foul Jester - Marx  
Gay Egg - Magolor  
Sword Lesbian - Flamberge  
Chuck E. Cheese - Daroach (name was assigned to him by Meta Knight)  
Borb - Meta Knight (name was assigned to him by Kirby)

_ 6:34 am _

**Taranza:** Good morning! I had a decent sleep last night!

**Zan Partyhat:** Jambadetana. I did not.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** GET OFF YOUR PHONE ZAN WE GOT ONE MORE OF THE TRILOGY TO GO

**Zan Partyhat:** I WANT TO SLEEP, DAROACH

**Sword Lesbian:** Hyness just went to sleep on the floor, he gives no fucks.

**Sword Lesbian:** an absolute legend

**Zan Partyhat:** I might just join him!

**Taranza:** Any non-Dream Landers in the chat right now? I have a weird question.

**Gay Egg:** I am, unfortunately, awake

**Susie:** Present.

**Sword Lesbian:** susie do you ever sleep

**Susie:** That’s classified.

**Prince Fluff:** I’m not from Dream Land!

**Taranza:** Okay, so, before I came here I had nightmares. Lots of them.

**Prince Fluff:** ouch :(

**Taranza:** But each night I slept here, I haven’t had a single one.

**Taranza:** Or dreamt at all, really.

**Kirby:** that’s the fountain of dreams!

**Taranza:** Oh! That’s right, Popstar’s fountain is located in Dream Land, right?

**Kirby:** all the way on the edge, but yeah!

**Susie:** Kirby, do you think Floralia’s too high up for the mists of the fountain to reach?

**Kirby:** maybe!!

**Taranza:** That would explain a lot.

**Kirby:** i think it’s working on getting rid of all your nightmares, taranza!

**Foul Jester:** but i’m still here

**Kirby:** shush, you’re not a nightmare!

**Foul Jester:** oh gross a compliment

**Gay Egg:** Hm, wonder what the weather’s gonna be like today.

**Susie:** Radar scans indicate that it’s going to be hot.

**Kirby:** oh! Let’s go to the beach!!

**Zan Partyhat:** Ugh, count me out.

**Zan Partyhat:** All I want to do is take a nap.

**Kirby:** you can take a nap at the beach!

**Zan Partyhat:** You drive a hard bargain.

**Sword Lesbian:** a nap at the beach sounds awesome

**Chuck E. Cheese:** You two wound me.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** I let you into my household.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Show you Shrek.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** And this is the thanks I get?

**Zan Partyhat:** MOST OF YOUR SQUAD IS ASLEEP

**Zan Partyhat:** FRANCISCA IS FORCING HERSELF TO STAY AWAKE BECAUSE IT’S POLITE

**Gay Egg:** daroach

**Chuck E. Cheese:** What, you egg?

**Gay Egg:** *stabs him*

**Chuck E. Cheese:** OH NO

**Taranza:** I’M CALLING THE POLICE

**Gay Egg:** YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE

**Susie:** SIR DROP YOUR WEAPON

**Gay Egg:** *holds fluff hostage* DON’T MOVE OR THE GOOD BOY GETS IT

**Prince Fluff:** *is hold*

**Foul Jester:** DO IT COWARD

**Kirby:** you guuuys, nooo!!!

**Susie:** It’s too late, Kirby. He’s violated the law.

**Foul Jester:** IT’S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I’VE SEEN A GOOD BRAWL

**Gay Egg:** I’M JUST WARMING UP YOU PATHETIC WORM

**Sword Lesbian:** REMEMBER THE EMPEROR

**Chuck E. Cheese:** YOU DARE ATTACK ME?

**Gay Egg:** I’M WARNING YOU

**Susie:** Show me what you’ve got.

**Foul Jester:** THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?

**Kirby:** can’t you settle this peacefully?

**Zan Partyhat:** ???

**Zan Partyhat:** Is this memes?

**Foul Jester:** no this is dog

** _Kirby_ ** _ has changed _ ** _Foul Jester_ ** _ ’s name to _ ** _dog_ ** _ . _

**dog:** i’m so proud

* * *

_ 8:24 AM _

**Sword Lesbian:** hey

**Sword Lesbian:** hey magolor

**Gay Egg:** what

**Sword Lesbian:** you’re an alien right

**Gay Egg:** in a matter of speaking, yes

**Sword Lesbian:** and you’re gay

**Gay Egg:** you fucking know it

**Sword Lesbian:** does that make you

**Sword Lesbian:** a gaylien

**Gay Egg:**...

** _Gay Egg_ ** _ has changed his name to _ ** _Gaylien_ ** _ . _

**Sword Lesbian:** YES

**dog:** what did i just witness

**Borb:** WLW and MLM solidarity.

**Ribbon:** if you both weren’t gay you’d make a cute couple to be honest!

**Gaylien:** Flamberge?

**Sword Lesbian:** yeah?

**Gaylien:** will you… *gets down on one knee*

**Ribbon:** :O

**Dedede:** you don’t have knees

**Gaylien:** oh i’m borrowing adeleine’s for this moment

**Adeleine: **use them wisely!

**dog:** you’re cursed, magolor!

**Dedede:** pot, meet kettle

**Gaylien:** Flamberge, will you be my beard if something goes horribly wrong, and we have to pretend we’re not gay?

**Sword Lesbian:** only if you’ll be mine

**dog:** oh good i was worried i’d have to go to a wedding

**Dedede:** pffft, like that’s going to happen in this group

**Ribbon:** what, a wedding?

**Dedede:** no marx getting invited to the wedding

**Adeleine:** my knees were put to good use!

**dog:** to be honest the idea of one of us getting married is hilarious

**Chuchu:** but it’s not unlikely!

**Chuchu:** rick has a girlfriend!

**Borb:** Daroach has had lovers in the past too.

**dog:** i guess you’re right

**dog:** it’d still be weird though

**Sword Lesbian:** dude magolor let’s do a fake wedding at the beach

**Sword Lesbian:** marx officiate our fake wedding

**dog:** ew no

**Gaylien:** then who will?

**Adeleine:** can i have my knees back

**Gaylien:** *throws them at you*

**Adeleine:** *pops them back on* noice

**Dedede:** do you guys think having a fake wedding would be a good idea? Hyness might freak out.

**Sword Lesbian:** jamblasted, you’re right

**Sword Lesbian:** and if he doesn’t freak out franny will

**Kirby:** can’t we explain it’s a pretend wedding?

**Sword Lesbian:** i guess

**Gaylien:** WAIT

**Gaylien:** do we have to kiss if it’s not real?

**Sword Lesbian:** no we fistbump

**Gaylien:** okay good

**dog:** if magolor gets cooties he’ll die

**dog:** his immune system can’t handle them

**Gaylien:** SHUT UP

**Sword Lesbian:** WAIT KIRBY

**Sword Lesbian:** YOU CAN OFFICIATE OUR FAKE WEDDING

**Kirby:** okay!!

**Zan Partyhat:** What’s this about a fake wedding?

**Sword Lesbian:** scroll up i’m getting fake married

**Zan Partyhat:** Magolor.

**Zan Partyhat:** If you’re fake marrying my sister…

**Zan Partyhat:** You _ better _ get her a fake ring.

**Gaylien:** I’ve got cheap halloween rings!

**Zan Partyhat:** That works.

**Gaylien:** do you want the bat or the spider flamberge

**Sword Lesbian:** the bat!

**Francisca:** A fake wedding is perfect for the man who has the word “false” in his name! uwu

**Sword Lesbian:** You’re not mad i’m getting fake married?

**Francisca:** Nope!

**Francisca:** uwu

**Gaylien:** wait what

**Gaylien:** francisca don’t uwu at me what did you say about my name

**Francisca:** You don’t know what your name means in our language?

**Francisca:** Mago Lor. “False Paradise”

**Gaylien**: i

**Gaylien:** it’s a traditional halcandran name…

**dog:** yo what were your parents thinking haha

**Zan Partyhat:** Curious.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** You inform him of this, on the day of his fake wedding?

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Despicable.

**Taranza:** Fake wedding?

**Taranza:** Should I get a fake cake?

**Kirby:** absolutely not.

**Gaylien: **Daroach be my best man

**Chuck E. Cheese:** You’re asking the guy you fake stabbed to be your best man at your fake wedding? Power move.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Count me in.

**Francisca:** Can I be your bridesmaid, Berge?

**Sword Lesbian:** yes

**Sword Lesbian:** both you and zan

**Sword Lesbian:** how’s hyness?

**Zan Partyhat:** Still asleep.

**Sword Lesbian:** good let’s plan the fake wedding before he gets up

**Taranza:** I can make a veil! And play the piano!

**Susie:** Taranza, taking an entire piano to the beach would be a bad idea.

**Susie:** A keyboard will work better.

**Sword Lesbian:** omg please play the music in dog barks taranza

**Taranza:** If that’s what you want!

**Gaylien:** **@Dedede @Borb** you two have been awfully silent

**Dedede:** I’m just in awe at how stupid you guys are.

**Gaylien:** rude

**Ribbon:** can I be the flower girl?

**Sword Lesbian:** absolutely

**Chuchu:** aww i’ll get pitch to help me make a sand arch for you guys!

**Adeleine:** Oh, i’ll go down and help you guys solidify it

**Adeleine:** don’t wanna kill the false bride with her own wedding arch!

**Dedede:** I’ll pay for catering i guess

**Borb:** You’re paying Kawasaki?

**Dedede:** Implying I don’t pay him at all?

**Borb:** Yes, actually.

**dog:** wait OH NO

**dog:** I’M GOING TO A WEDDING AFTER ALL

**Gaylien:** when did i say you were invited?

**dog:** i’ll bring booze

**Sword Lesbian:** he’s invited

* * *

_2:01 PM _

**Sword Lesbian: **marx you fucking whore you didn’t bring booze

**dog:** oopsie poopsie

**Sword Lesbian:** kawasaki brought some so now he’s the better marx

**dog:** rude

**dog:** yo where’s your man

**Sword Lesbian:** … that’s a good question

**Sword Lesbian: @Gaylien **HUSBAND

**Gaylien:** WIFE

**Sword Lesbian:** WHERE YOU AT

**Gaylien:** I’m proving to susie that the lor is sea worthy

**Kirby:** i see it zooming around, it looks really cool!

**Sword Lesbian:** aw man you’re cheating on me already :(

**Gaylien:** kdslksda

**Susie:** tranzana is also here

**Kirby:** who?

**Susie:** *taranana

**Susie:** cute spider

**dog:** lol magolor gets married and then immediately has a bisexual three-way

**dog:** fucking incredible

**Susie:** Sssshut.

**dog:** susie you seem drunk

**Susie:** i only had two

**Sword Lesbian:** two what?

**Susie:** bottles

**Kirby:** of what?

**Sword Lesbian: @Gaylien** what’s she drinking?

**Gaylien:** … hold on, she’s on the upper deck

**Taranza:** It’s wine.

**Taranza:** I know because she drank it all before I could have any.

**Taranza:** She keeps giggling and hugging me and calling me a soft boy, it’s weird.

**Sword Lesbian:** oh my god

**Sword Lesbian:** wine mom susie

**Taranza:** Magolor, please get up here. She’s leaning off the railing and I’m worried that I won’t be able to keep her on the ship.

**Gaylien:** I’M COMING

**dog:** that’s what she said

**Kirby:** i don’t know why you guys drink that stuff, it tastes gross.

**Sword Lesbian:** well, it makes your head feel funny? and it’s fun i guess?

**Borb:** It also lowers inhibitions and affects motor skills, and can improve one’s mood.

**Kirby:** but it makes you guys act weird!

**Sword Lesbian:** well when you put it that way, I guess it’s not appealing at all

**Sword Lesbian:** but whatever

**Sword Lesbian:** i’m gonna go play volleyball with francisca, wanna come?

**Kirby:** count me in!

* * *

Magolor ushered Susie away from the railing of the Lor Starcutter. “Seriously, you might get hurt! We’re going so fast that you wouldn’t be able to catch up!”

“Ssssh.” Susie flopped her hand up against his scarf, right above his mouth, causing his ears to twitch reflexively. “I’m strong. I can fight the ocean.”

“No you can’t, Susie.” Taranza was already spinning up a magical web to tie her down, then paused. “Wait. We should get her downstairs so she can lie down.”

“Good idea.” Magolor shifted his body to carry the floppy Susie downstairs, to his bedroom. _ Wait, no. It’s a mess in there. _ Change of plan, he’d bring her to the little sitting room he’d put together and put her on the couch.

He and Taranza traveled downstairs, bringing Susie to rest on his somewhat beat-up couch. Magolor wondered if it was anything she was used to, or did she replace her furniture often? She seemed the type of girl to update her living space to match trends.

A sudden sharp turn, caused by the Lor automatically navigating around a large object, jostled him out of his thoughts and right into Taranza, making them both to topple over. “Ow! Sorry, usually it’s better at steering itself…”

He realized how close he was to the spider’s face. Taranza seemed horrified for a second, then blushed as he let loose an amused giggle, one that caused something to stir inside Magolor.

Oh.

_Oh no._

“U-um.” He stood up, or tried to. Something - or rather, someone - had tackled him, causing him to awkwardly headbutt poor Taranza. “Susie!”

“I’m on top, making me the victor!” she cried, punching her hands into the air. “Whee!”

“Susie, don’t you think it’s time we headed back?” Taranza piped up from the bottom of the pile. “I think solid ground would do you good.”

She crossed her arms and huffed, a deep crimson blush covering her face. “I’m_ fine _, Taranza, d-don't worry about me!”

“I don’t think you are.”

“W-well I think you’re a nerd!”

“So are you!”

Susie hopped up, looking offended, and plopped back onto the couch. “Fine, have it your way.”

Magolor stood up, helping Taranza up too. He watched as the spider adjusted his scarf and straightened his hair a bit. _ Cute. Wait, what? _ “Um, I’m going to, uh… the bridge! To bring us back to shore.” He quickly turned, trying to ignore the feelings welling up inside him.

At the bridge, Magolor felt a bit more at ease. _ Stupid, stupid, stupid! What are you DOING, Magolor? _ They hardly knew each other! Sure, they’d bonded a bit when they helped Kirby with Void, but that was about all he knew about Taranza! Well, that and he was a bit of a bookworm, and he liked to knit, and that he was a bit clumsy, he didn't like to talk about that woman whose image he sometimes summoned, and oh, there was that thing about a week ago, where he’d needed to run from his murderous clan, and Magolor was there, with the Lor...

Okay, so, maybe he did know something about Taranza, but what did Taranza know about _ him _? Did he know what he had done? He’d been careful not to bring it up during the Void incident, but when he’d seen that giant Master Crown, well… it had been enough to make him sick, remembering how it stole his will away, imprisoning him in his own body. Taranza had seen his reaction, so he probably knew there was a connection there.

Finally, as he prepared to approach the shore, he tried to decide on what to do, only to realize… he had no plan for this. When it came to ideas for plots, those came easy to him as breathing air, but dealing with romantic feelings? Nothing. His mind was drawing blanks.

The ship made landfall. He took a deep breath and prepared to disembark.

“Magolor?”

The Halcandran nearly jumped out of his skin. “Oh, hey Taranza, what’s up?” 

“I wanted to thank you. For what you did in Floralia.”

“Oh, that? It was no problem, really.”

“It’s just… if you hadn’t used your shield, I might have been…” He paused, wringing his top two hands a bit. “Thank you. I’m in your debt, Magolor.” He smiled, and Magolor’s heart skipped a beat. "Now, shall we help Susie onto dry land?"

“Yeah. Let’s do that.” Magolor felt his cheeks heat up as he realized how hard this was going to be.

* * *

_ 10:49 PM _

** _Susanna Patyra Hartmann_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Magolor_ ** _ ! _

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** Magolor.

**Magolor:** are you feeling better, Susie?

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** Yes, but I’ve realized something awful.

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** You and I have known each other for a while, and I feel as though I can trust you with the following information.

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** You see, I think I’ve fallen in love.

**Magolor:** well, this is an odd coincidence

**Magolor:** i think i fell in love today too

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** Oh, really?

**Magolor:** i mean, i don’t know?

**Magolor:** it’s a weird feeling, being in love

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** I’ve got an idea.

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** Why don’t we both tell each other who we might be in love with, and we can help each other!

**Magolor:** !

**Magolor:** that’s a wonderful idea, susie!

**Magolor:** let’s both close our eyes and send who we like

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** Alright.

**Magolor:** Taranza

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** Taranza

**Magolor:** …

**Susanna Patyra Hartmann:** …

**Magolor:** oh fuck


	4. uwu becomes illegal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kirby figures something out, gay panic and toe beans are discussed, everyone gets invited to a ball, Taranza discusses his glands, and Neil Cicierega.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up - Susie and Magolor have a somewhat sexually graphic argument near the end of the chapter. All they really do is bring up situations and objects, but if this isn't for you, skip the part that starts at 4:02 PM.
> 
> All art in this chapter was drawn by yours truly. I also did so much research on spiders and their silk. Did you know that some madman out there had the idea to make fabric out of spider silk? And then got together a team of like, 80 people to actually do it? BECAUSE HE DID. 
> 
> also SAY HELLO TO THE LARGEST CHATLOG SO FAR
> 
> Most of the characters have kept their names, but some have not. Here is a key:
> 
> dog - Marx (assigned to him by kirby)  
Gaylien - Magolor  
Sword Lesbian - Flamberge  
Chuck E. Cheese - Daroach (name was assigned to him by Meta Knight)  
Borb - Meta Knight (name was assigned to him by Kirby)

_ 9:58 AM _

**Kirby:** hey guys?

**Kirby:** what’s wrong with susie and magolor?

**Kirby:** they’ve been avoiding each other for the last week, i think…

**Kirby:** and both of them have been off the planet...

**Adeleine:** do you think something happened on the Lor?

**Kirby:** maybe?

**Kirby:** i’ll go ask taranza, he was there!

**Dedede:** yo **@Kirby** come to castle dedede for some brunch, we got too many scones!

**Kirby:** i was just heading there! see you soon!!! (^.^)

* * *

_10:00 AM_

** _Susanna Patrya Haltmann_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Kirby_ ** _ ! _

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Kirby, me and Magolor have feelings the same person.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** We had an argument over it, and it turned really ugly.

**Kirby:** oh no!!!!

**Kirby:** that’s not good at all!

**Kirby:** do you think the person likes you guys at all?

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** I’m… not sure.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Why didn’t I think of this?

**Kirby:** hold on, someone else is messaging me

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** That’s fine. I need some time to think.

* * *

_ 10:05 AM _

** _Magolor_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Kirby_ ** _ ! _

**Magolor:** KIRBY

**Magolor:** PLEASE DON’T ASK TARANZA

**Kirby:** why?

**Magolor:** it’s embarrassing

**Magolor:** just

**Magolor:** please don’t ask him

**Kirby:** does susie have anything to do with it?

**Magolor:** no

**Kirby:** are you sure?

**Kirby:** if you’re lying i’ll eat all your gem apples!

**Magolor:** okay fine she does

**Kirby:** hmmm… 

**Kirby:** hey, wait a minute

**Kirby:** susie told me about your argument

**Kirby:** is the person you guys like taranza?

**Magolor:** lfvdlkdfv kadfvknadfvkn ;vfd

**Magolor:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Kirby:** ??????????????????

**Kirby:** MAGOLOR ARE YOU OKAY?

**Kirby:** ARE YOU HURT????

**Magolor:** i’m fine it’s just

**Magolor:** that was super blunt, from you of all people

**Magolor:** BUT LISTEN!

**Magolor: **YOU CAN’T TELL ANYONE

**Magolor:** OKAY???

**Magolor:** ESPECIALLY TARANZA

**Magolor:** if anyone tells him we like him it should be me or susie, got it?

**Kirby:** geez okay!

**Magolor:** where are you right now

**Kirby:** i’m on the warpstar

**Magolor:** going where

**Kirby:** dedede’s castle, for brunch

**Magolor:** DO NOT ASK TARANZA

**Magolor:** I’LL EAT ALL THE TOMATOES IN DREAM LAND IF YOU DO

**Magolor:** DOWN TO THE LAST SEED

**Kirby:** you’re mean!!!

**Kirby:** but um

**Kirby:** there’s something you should both know.

**Kirby:** i’ll tell you after I eat, alright?

* * *

_10:43 AM_

** _Kirby_ ** _ created chat called _ ** _“The Secret”_ **

** _Kirby_ ** _ added _ ** _Susanna Patrya Haltmann_ ** _ and _ ** _Magolor_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“The Secret”_ **

**Kirby:** Taranza likes someone too.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** ???????

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Wait. Magolor, did you tell him?

**Magolor:** well, technically? i did not.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** What do you mean, technically?

**Magolor:** Hang on, i’ll get part of the log

** _Magolor_ ** _ is quoting four (4) messages from _ ** _“privatemsgUsersKirbyMagolor”_ ** _ : _

> **Kirby:** susie told me about your argument
> 
> **Kirby:** is the person you guys like taranza?
> 
> **Magolor:** lfvdlkdfv kadfvknadfvkn ;vfd
> 
> **Magolor:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Kirby:** (*o*) you can do that???

**Magolor:** only in quotable chats

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Oh.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** I have to admit, pinky, sometimes you’re smarter than I give you credit for.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** But this isn’t your business.

**Kirby:** but what I said about taranza liking someone is true!!

**Kirby:** why would i lie about that?

**Magolor:** well then who is that someone?

**Kirby:** well, um

**Kirby:** she’s not alive anymore.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Oh.

**Magolor:** that shadow of a queen he sometimes summons… is that her?

**Kirby:** yeah

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Who else knows?

**Kirby:** me, dedede, and meta knight know he was close

**Kirby:** but i’m the only one who knows he loves her.

**Kirby:** well, me and you guys

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** How long has she been dead?

**Kirby:** 5 years i think?

**Magolor:** hmm…

**Magolor:** he must have really loved her, if he still cries over her

**Kirby:** don’t let him know i told you, okay?

**Kirby:** it’d really make him sad and i don’t want that.

**Kirby:** can you guys come back to popstar and be friends at least?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I can come back to Popstar, but I won’t guarantee being friends with Magolor.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** He’s still my rival for Taranza’s affections.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Goodbye.

** _Susanna Patyra Haltmann_ ** _ has left the chat named _ ** _“The Secret”_ **

**Magolor:** kirby, i know you’re trying your best, and that you like helping people

**Magolor:** but this is between me, susie, and taranza

**Magolor:** stay out of it before you make it worse.

** _Magolor_ ** _ has left the chat named _ ** _“The Secret”_ **

**Kirby:** (;n;)

* * *

_ 12:35 PM _

**Ribbon:** gays

**Gaylien:** what

**Ribbon:** *guys

**Ribbon:** stupid autocorrect ;-;

**Sword Lesbian:** i’m right here ribbon

**Ribbon:** lol!

**Ribbon:** but maybe you can help me, actually!

**Adeleine:** oh no, did something happen on ripple star?

**B.Dee:** please tell me the queen’s okay!

**Ribbon:** oh she’s fine!

**Ribbon:** it’s just

**Ribbon:** there’s these two really cute girls who are visiting her!

**Sword Lesbian:** FIRST GAY CRUSH ALERT

**Sword Lesbian: @everyone** FIRST GAY CRUSH ALERT

**Chuck E. Cheese:** WEEE OOO WEEE OOO

**Adeleine:** :O

**dog:** congrats on your gay crisis ribbon

**Taranza:** And thus, one less straight person exists.

**Gaylien:** the number of straights dafjlkdjkl

**Adeleine:** yo you good?

**Gaylien:** sorry my coffee fell over

**Gaylien:** i forgot what i was going to say

**Ribbon:** aaaaaa

**Kirby:** what are they like, ribbon?

**Ribbon:** well, one’s my size and has rainbow hair

**Ribbon:** and one is bigger and has blue hair!

**B.Dee:** hey, that sounds familiar...

**Ribbon:** wait, why are they staring at me?

**Claycia:** um

**Claycia:** @ me next time

**B.Dee:** OH MY GOD???

**Kirby:** !!!!

**Claycia:** hey kirby, sorry me and elline haven’t been talking in this chat, we’re a bit busy!

**Elline:** also Claycia wasn't sure how to say hi

**Claycia:** kjdklfajjdaksj ELLINE

**Kirby:** that’s alright!

**dog:** wow you just accidentally vaugeposted someone ribbon

**dog:** how does it feel

**Ribbon:** eee i’m so embarrassed!!!!

**Claycia:** we’ll come over and talk to you, but just so you know, we’re in a relationship.

**Ribbon:** oh, with who?

**Claycia:** each other <3

**Ribbon:** aww!

**dog:** is that an “oh that’s cute” aww or a “shit, they’re taken” aww

**dog:** ribbon

**dog:** ribbon answer me

**Ribbon:** i’m trying to have a real-life conversation you ding-dang jester!

**Ribbon:** leave me alone!

**dog:** that is the most adorable way i’ve been insulted

** _dog_ ** _ has changed his name to _ ** _Ding-Dang Jester_ ** _ . _

**Chuck E. Cheese: @Ribbon**, read this when you’re not in a conversation, but take my advice and savor the moment of doing weird things in front of people you think are hot.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** If anything it makes a funny story later.

**Taranza:** It really does!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** I once saw a really hot gal, and wasn’t watching where I was going and tripped and fell in a trash can.

**Taranza:** I got caught making out with a cute guy in the library once!

**Taranza:** And then freaked out and knocked over a bookcase!

**Gaylien:** akadlkdkasdlkjdsl

**Chuck E. Cheese:** You, prim and proper Taranza, making out in a public space?

**Chuck E. Cheese:** _Spicy!_

**Taranza:** I was young and stupid and unsure of my feelings for another person than the one I was making out with.

**Gaylien:** that’s a whole ass mood

**Dedede:** when I was a wee little boy, i had a crush on this lady who worked for my parents

**Dedede:** and i got up on the table, during dinner, and yelled that I was going to marry her

**B.Dee:** it’s a bit weird to imagine you as a child lol

**B.Dee:** you’ve always kind of existed in my mind as a big dude with a hammer

**Gaylien:** when i was just a little fluff ball i told my parents i wanted to marry landia

**Ding-Dang Jester:** SCALY ALERT SCALY ALERT

**Gaylien:** marx shut UP

**Taranza:** Wait, fluff ball?

**Gaylien:** oh, halcandran kits are covered in soft fur!

**Gaylien:** we lose most of it when we get older, but some usually remains on top of the head and down the back

**Dedede:** you’re lying

**Gaylien:** i’m not

**Dedede:** you’re a wizard and a liar

**Gaylien:** hold on

**Dedede: **what

**Gaylien:** i need to find something, just wait

**Dedede:** ?

**Gaylien:** FOUND IT

**Gaylien:**

**B.Dee:** kitty!

**Dedede:** nice picture of a kitten

**Gaylien:** guys that’s ME

**Gaylien:** as a kit

**Sword Lesbian:** that’s what my fake babies are gonna look like, cool!

**Kirby:** so cute!

**Adeleine:** look at the little mohawk!

**Ding-Dang Jester:** this dude out here sending baby pictures

**Dedede:** no way you looked like that

**Adeleine:** do you still have the mohawk??

**Gaylien:** no, not really, i keep my hair pinned back and under the hood so it stays out of my eyes

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Magolor, this is incredibly important and I must know.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Do you have toe beans?

**Gaylien:** i don’t have toes

**Chuck E. Cheese:** I meant on your hands

**Gaylien:** give me a moment

**Gaylien:**

**Chuck E. Cheese:** OH SHIT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

**Chuck E. Cheese:** WE GOT BEANS

**Kirby:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Dedede:** NO STINKING WAY

**Dedede:** YOU PHOTOSHOPPED THAT

**B.Dee: **I WANNA SQUISH THEM

**Zan Parkinglot:** Who knew this treacherous egg was super cuddly all along?

**Taranza:** That’s absolutely adorable!

**Gaylien:** ajdalkdkld

**Gooey:** iwaannnnaliccck

**Gooey:** thosebeeans

**Ding-Dang Jester:** **@Nago** you got bean competition

**Nago:** NO WAY LMAO

**Nago:** look at this soft boy with his soft paws

**Nago:** 10/10 absolutely holdable

**Nago:** uwu

**Dedede:** you are the only person in dream land legally allowed to uwu

**Dedede:** that’s a royal decree, got it?

**Dedede: @everyone** Only Nago can uwu

**Nago:** uwu privileges…

**Nago:** an honor indeed

**Francisca:** nmn

**Dedede:** THAT’S JUST UPSIDE-DOWN UWU

**Dedede:** YOU AIN’T FOOLIN’ ME

**Gaylien:** we’ve determined that i’m cat-like, can I uwu?

**Dedede:** no

**Dedede:** only nago

**Gaylien:** can i owo

**Dedede:** absolutely not

**Kirby:** what if i do this?

**Kirby:** (uwu)

**Dedede:** … i’ll consider it

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

**Susie:** uwu

** _Susie_ ** _ has been timed out for one (1) minute by anti-spam. _

**Kirby:** oh no!!!!!

**Dedede:** HAHAHAHA

**Ding-Dang Jester:** I DIDN’T KNOW THAT COULD HAPPEN LMAO

**Ding-Dang Jester:** GOOD TO KNOW

**B.Dee:** OH WOW

**Gaylien: **i’m gonna print that out and frame it

**Dedede:** YOU WROTE A SCRIPT FOR THAT DIDN’T YOU

**Dedede:** CONSIDER YOURSELF DEDEDENIED

**Dedede:** EVEN THOUGH I DIDN’T DO THE SILENCING

** _Susie_ ** _ is now unsilenced! _

** _Susie_ ** _ has changed her name to _ ** _Suwusie_ ** _ . _

**Suwusie:** I’m simply defending the right to legally uwu.

**Suwusie:** Who’s with me?

**Dedede:** PEOPLE WHO UWU DON’T HAVE RIGHTS

**Dedede:** EXCEPT FOR NAGO

**Ribbon:** what is going on

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Somehow, you started a sequence of events that led to uwu

**Kirby:** !!!!

**Kirby:** ribbon’s back!

**Ribbon:** yup!

**Ribbon:** and guess what?

**Ribbon:** the queen’s going to be throwing a ball!

**Dedede:** A ball?

**Ribbon:** yeah, to celebrate the kingdom’s anniversary!

**Ribbon:** it’s called the crystal ball, and the entire theme is crystals!

**Ding-Dang Jester:** can i go?

**Dedede:** i don’t know, can you?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** did you just dad joke me??

**Chuck E. Cheese:** A Dededad joke.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** omg

**Ribbon:** she says that kirby and all his friends are invited!

**B.Dee:** does that mean, like, all his friends or the ones that helped with dark matter and that creepy eyeball

**Dedede:** there’s a lot of creepy eyeballs related to dark matter, you’re going to have to narrow it down

**B.Dee:** the angel one

**Ribbon:** no, all of them!

**Ribbon:** she invited a bunch of other people from different planets too!

**Ding-Dang Jester:** so i am invited!

**Ribbon:** i guess

**Ribbon:** kirby, do you consider marx a friend?

**Kirby:** yeah!!!

**Ribbon:** then you’re invited marx

**Ribbon:** but you CAN’T RUIN IT

**Ribbon:** I don’t wanna see the queen sad

**Ribbon:** @Chuck E. Cheese same for you, no stealing anything!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Understood.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Do we need to dress up?

**Ribbon:** it’d be appreciated, but not necessary!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** I’ll take any excuse to break out the tux.

**Ribbon:** the queen has her own dress for the occasion and it’s super sparkly!

**Ding-Dang Jester:** i’ve got a bow tie i’m good

**Ding-Dang Jester:** i’ve got lots of bow ties actually

**Ding-Dang Jester:** considering it’s like, the only article of clothing I wear

**B.Dee:** i’m not borrowing your tie, you’d probably pee on it before giving it to me

**Ding-Dang Jester:** damn you got me

**B.Dee:** i’ve got my own tie anyway

**Dedede:** before we get too involved, when’s the ball?

**Ribbon:** in a week!

**Ribbon:** so we’ve got time to plan for it!

**Sword Lesbian: ** shit **@Francisca @Zan Parkinglot**

**Sword Lesbian:** we’ve got four dresses between the three of us

**Suwusie:** The dress you wore to the beach?

**Suwusie:** The white sundress?

**Sword Lesbian:** technically franny’s

**Suwusie:** Do you have dress jackets? Or blouses?

**Sword Lesbian:** what are those

**Francisca:** We have jackets for when it’s cold out!

**Suwusie:** … I have my work cut out for me.

**Suwusie:** I’ll bring you three onto my ship, and we can all work on dresses for you.

**Adeleine:** can I come too?

**Adeleine:** i’ve never really worn a dress before

**Adeleine:** i actually don’t own any

**Suwusie:** don’t you wear one all the time?

**Adeleine:** It’s a really long shirt, with a skirt under it!

**Adeleine:** sometimes I wear shorts if it’s too windy out

**Ribbon:** that’s why people sometimes think you’re a boy :P

**Adeleine:** so? I don’t really care

**Adeleine:** boy or girl i could kick their butt

**Suwusie:** That

**Suwusie:** Wow

**Suwusie:** You know what?

**Suwusie:** You get a dress too.

**Adeleine:** i don’t know, i only have three dollars

**Adeleine:** i couldn’t pay for it

**Suwusie:** Okay LISTEN

**Suwusie:** I want to give the new Haltmann Personal Wardrobe Machine a go

**Dedede:** … Haltmann’s branching into fashion?

**Suwusie:** OKAY FINE IT’S A PERSONAL PET PROJECT

**Suwusie:** I LIKE NICE CLOTHES

**Suwusie:** IS THAT A CRIME?

**Dedede:** whoa calm down

**Suwusie:** Sorry.

**Suwusie:** But what it does is it takes your measurements, allows you to input personal taste, and it tries to calculate the perfect garments for you.

**Suwusie: **It’s still a bit of a work in progress, and it’s really made clothes for me.

**Dedede:** okay question

**Dedede:** could it make me a coat covered in rhinestones

**Suwusie:** That sounds disgustingly tacky.

**Dedede:** but it’s a crystal-themed ball

**Suwusie:** The HPWM can quickly synthesize gemstones, though the process is somewhat flawed.

**Dedede:** whoa, like

**Dedede:** diamonds and stuff?

**Suwusie:** Diamonds are actually the easiest - we have large stores of carbon.

**Suwusie:** I personally recommend Moissanite for more of a sparkle.

**Dedede:** hmmm

**Dedede:** I’ll think about it

**Ding-Dang Jester:** wait susie

**Ding-Dang Jester:** you’re sitting on the technology to create GEMSTONES???

**Suwusie:** Yes?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** WHY DOES YOUR COMPANY FOCUS ON ROBOTICS

**Suwusie:** It’s experimental technology.

**Suwusie:** … That is now likely to be stolen, seeing as I’ve mentioned it in a chat with the leader of the Squeak Squad in it.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Yeah but you need like, a big store of various elements to use it?

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Too much of a hassle.

**Suwusie:** Alright girls.

**Suwusie:** Meet up with me at around 3? I’ll be waiting outside the castle.

* * *

_ 3:53 pm _

**Dedede:** YOOOOO

**Dedede:** GUESS WHO’S GOT A SPIDER SILK OBI

**Dedede:** it’s so soft i love it

**Ding-Dang Jester:** taranza shot that out of his ass lmao

**Taranza:** Marx, when have you ever seen me use my spinneret?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** your what

**Taranza:** You know that little stinger thing at the bottom of my body?

**Taranza: **That’s my spinneret.

**Taranza: **I use the silk that makes in personal things, like my sleeping web or prey webs, and the occasional piece of lace if my body produces too much silk dope.

**Taranza:** Since I know you’ll ask, silk dope is the stuff that my spinneret makes into silk. It’s a complicated process that I don’t know the ins and outs of, but if there’s too much silk dope in my glands it gets kind of uncomfortable.

**Dedede:** so you’re like a can of silly string

**Dedede:** it’s liquid on the inside but solid once it hits air?

**Taranza:** I guess?

**Kirby:** what’s a prey web?

**Taranza:** It’s what I use to catch snacks.

**Kirby:** what kind of snacks?

**Taranza:** Large insects, small birds and reptiles.

**Taranza:** Sometimes smaller, non-sentient spiders.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** you’re a cannibal lol

**Dedede:** marx i eat chicken all the time

**Ding-Dang Jester:** okay true

**Dedede:** okay, what about the obi? Where’d that silk come from?

**Taranza:** Magically produced silk, but I had to do a couple different spells so it wouldn’t glow and to give it color.

**Taranza: **That’s a bit complicated, so I don’t do it for just anyone.

**Chuck E. Cheese: **I skimmed over chat, how’d you get Taranza talking about his glands in a two-line message?

**Taranza: **Silk stuff.

**Taranza:** I made Dedede a gift for letting me stay in his house.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** Oh nice.

**Taranza:** It took me… about a week?

**Kirby: **WAIT TARANZA!

**Kirby:** do you have venom???

**Taranza:** I’m… not really sure?

**Taranza:** I’ve never bitten someone!

**Taranza:** It probably wouldn’t kill, considering how large I am...

**Suwusie:** You can bite me.

**Ding-Dang Jester: **OH HO

**Ding-Dang Jester:** SUSIE’S BEING HORNY ON MAIN

**Chuck E. Cheese:** NO SUSIE KIRBY'S HERE

**Kirby:** but she doesn't have horns????

**Chuck E. Cheese:** oh no

**Chuck E. Cheese:** you're too pure

**Chuck E. Cheese:** please never learn what "horny" means

**Taranza:** I’M NOT BITING YOU

**Suwusie:** Do it for science.

**Taranza:** NO

**Taranza:** Wait.

**Taranza:** Who’s playing Neil Cicierega in the courtyard?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** it’s susie, here to woo you by playing music outside your window

**Suwusie:** NO

**Suwusie:** I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO NEIL CICIEREGA IS

**Ding-Dang Jester:** GET SOME GOOD TASTE SUSIE

**Dedede:** marx is it you?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** i’m at kirby’s house

**Kirby:** yup!

**Taranza:** It’s Waddle Dees.

**Taranza:** They’re just kinda… breaking it down out there.

**Taranza:** Hm.

**Dedede:** wait you like NeilCic?

**Taranza:** I listen on occasion.

**Taranza:** My favorite is T.I.M.E.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** an underrated classic.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** it should be the nova’s theme song

**Ding-Dang Jester: **one shows up and you just hear "YOUNG MAN"

**Ding-Dang Jester:** OW NEVER MIND

**Ding-Dang Jester:** KIRBY JUST PUNCHED ME FOR THAT IDEA

* * *

_ 4:02 PM _

** _Magolor_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Susanna Patyra Haltmann_ ** _ ! _

**Magolor:** susie

**Magolor:** i cannot stress this enough

**Magolor:** but what the FUCK

**Magolor:** I’m not quoting the main chat directly because they can see when I do it but

**Magolor:** “You can bite me.”

**Magolor:** “Do it for science.”

**Magolor:** WHAT

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** IT JUST HAPPENED

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I DON’T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME!!!!

**Magolor:** WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH HIM LIKE THAT

**Magolor:** IN FRONT OF _ KIRBY _

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** That’s your problem with that? That it was in front of Kirby?

**Magolor:** Well my main problem is you flirting with Taranza

**Magolor:** but being nasty in front of kirby is the topping on top of the shit sundae of your behavior

**Magolor:** what’s next, you wear a short skirt and go “oopsie woopsie, i dropped something”?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** You’d do that if you thought you could get away with it.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** You think you’re being subtle with your gibberish?

**Magolor:** it’s called “keysmashing” and it’s a secret gay art

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I bet you’re secretly a big whore.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Don’t even try to deny it, you’d suck someone’s dick for a six-piece chicken nugget meal.

**Magolor:** well first off they'd have to make it at _least_ a ten-piece

**Magolor:** but second of all, it's because i like dick _and_ chicken nuggets

**Magolor:** not because i’m a big whore

**Magolor:** i get to suck some dick _and_ get chicken nuggets? that's a fantastic deal right there

**Magolor:** and your sex toy collection is definitely bigger than mine, don’t lie

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Listen.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I just caught Flamberge and Adeleine dipping burgers in tomato juice and eating it.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I need to take the burgers away.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** And you’re the last person I want to discuss my horniness or my sex toy collection with.

**Magolor:** fine

**Magolor:** i’ve got an advantage over you, by the way

**Magolor:** he and I share the same favorite neil cicierega song

**Magolor:** i’m gonna play it at our wedding just to taunt you

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Good luck with that.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Bye, whore.

**Magolor:** same to you

_4:25 PM_

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** DID YOU SEND ME THE SEXUAL LION KING SONG

**Magolor:** what

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Nevermind, it was Marx.


	5. Marx lands himself in Deep Shit (tm)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, there's not much else I can say. Marx fucks up big time, Kirby gets a big sad. Magolor and Susie reach an understanding, and Susie has a weird dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Marx. You couldn't keep getting away with it all the time. Also, writing dreams is fun.
> 
> Sneezing Taranza art was drawn by me, the bananas were sourced from Google Image Search.
> 
> Most of the characters have kept their names, but some have not. Here is a key:
> 
> Ding-Dang Jester - Marx   
Gaylien - Magolor  
Sword Lesbian - Flamberge  
Chuck E. Cheese - Daroach (name was assigned to him by Meta Knight)  
Borb - Meta Knight (name was assigned to him by Kirby)
> 
> The secret meme chat also shows up in this chapter, but I'll let you guess who is who.

_ 9:56 AM _

**Kirby: **

** **

**Kirby:** oh whoops

**Kirby:** i’m sorry taranza!!!

**Kirby:** i didn’t mean to upload this, i was gonna post a picture of breakfast!!

**Chuck E. Cheese:** No, don’t apologize.

**Chuck E. Cheese:** This is a blessed image.

**Taranza:** The book was dusty...

* * *

_ 10:03 AM _

** _Secret Meme Chat_ **

**This shit is Bananas: **

** **

**Communism:** hey

**Communism:** hey guys did you see the picture of taranza mid-sneeze

**,,,,,slime man:** aiuddddddddononononudionadisojdfs

**Communism:** ?

**Ocean Man:** Gooey almost swallowed his phone.

**Communism:** don’t do that man

**Daddyroach:** The Taranza Sneeze is blessed.

**Communism:** well

**Communism:** what if i

**Communism:** cursed it

**Daddyroach:** MARX

**Daddyroach:** I WILL FUCKING KICK YOUR ASS

**Ocean Man:** I’m scared but intrigued.

**Communism:** i’m gonna send it to magolor because i think he has a crush on taranza

**Communism:** susie probably does too but she’s more likely to vaporize me instantly

**Daddyroach:** Oh? Why do you think that?

**Daddyroach:** The crush thing, not the vaporization thing.

**Communism:** it’s been nearly two weeks since the Lor Incident

**Ocean Man:** i recall it

**Communism:** and magolor gets somewhat blushy and nervous around our sweet spider boi

**Ocean Man:** Mmhm

**Communism:** so i’m going to test to see if my theory holds true

**Daddyroach:** Oh no

**Daddyroach:** NONONONONO

**Daddyroach:** YOU BETTER NOT BE DOING WHAT I THINK YOU’RE DOING

**Daddyroach:** IF YOU AHEGAO OUR SWEET BOY I’M GOING TO FUCKING DROWN YOU IN MY AIRSHIP’S REFUSE TANK

**Communism: ** but daroach

**Communism:** i’m already doing it

**Daddyroach:** NO

**,,,,,slime man:** ???????????????

**Ocean Man:** marx this is a BAD IDEA

**This shit is Bananas:**

** **

**Daddyroach:** BONKERS YOU USELESS MEMELORD BACK US UP HERE

**This shit is Bananas:** huh?

**This shit is Bananas:** oh HELL NO

* * *

_ 10:25 AM _

**Communism:** Ladies and Gentlememers.

**Communism:** We got him.

**Communism:**

**Daddyroach:** Marx.

**Daddyroach:** That was too fucking far.

* * *

_ 10:30 AM _

**Gaylien:** i fucking hate marx

**Taranza:** What did he do this time?

**Gaylien:** um

**Gaylien:** well

**Gaylien:** he sent me a nasty photoshopped picture of someone in this chat

**Gaylien:** not saying who, but he told me it was real

**Ding-Dang Jester:** aww, you seemed to like it though ;)

**Gaylien:** SHUT UP

**Gaylien:** I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU

**Kirby:** marx, why are you being mean?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** well, i was just trying to figure out if Magolor liked a certain somebody~

**Taranza:** Marx, it’s me.

**Taranza:** I know Magolor is in love with me.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** oh WHAT

**Kirby:** !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Gaylien:** UIJNDSAUIAFIJNIAJLNIAJKLNAGIJNNJAFRNJIDN PAVV IPREN GUJ EI;WJCABNPGOIE'PAJVPANEFLDVICJBLJ DC;DLVCIJDF KBJL;MNDK;ZO,NJO'KZGLMKNFBMNkl:vFM, N.ZM VB;KZKMJJSD/KVMK LZDVANJFDJN JHN FAJFAENLJCJKLFNJCIENCIUDAVNIUVNAIUDNVIDVPD FBPDAFIJNEINFIEFKNEV;COADC;AVCadufnijsfn je nfbjNODJIJFJUFO DSOACDJAF OA PJi jNjd SOd

**Gaylien:** IJQEOCVNB FVJIF BJW BWRJEVUBVNUCIKNV AD DFI JUNVIFDJJJI FN GDNAMI AGURBN IUDJ VJNCNFJLA EWIFAVN IVJNCOIWUECBN VWUROUHWXUI FCWVNFIFZFI W;NJJKNA;LNDV JKANICCNUINECF

**Gaylien:** JFVPIFDNFDUIG ERGJ VE NEFUV JIOUEWNBJGVNIU ONVEJ BNIREVN UVNU WVJR IOEVNEIWJGE RWBNCKJV WK ER

**Chuck E. Cheese:** WHOA

**Chuck E. Cheese:** WHAT DID I COME IN TO

**Chuck E. Cheese: @Borb** THE LOR’S NEAR ORANGE OCEAN RIGHT?

**Borb:** Why?

**Chuck E. Cheese:** I THINK MAGOLOR’S HAVING A STROKE

**Gaylien:** I’M FINE I’M FINE

**Gaylien: ** but you knew?

**Taranza:** I also figure you’re not the only one who’s in love with me.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** Should I send that other person the spicy pic too? ;)

**Taranza:** You know what?

**Ding-Dang Jester:** hm?

**Taranza:** Welcome to my block list, Marx.

**Taranza:** And because I know you can read this, you’re staying there until I’m not  _ fucking pissed _ at you anymore.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** um

**Ding-Dang Jester:** this is um

**Taranza:** Have fun screaming at me all you want, I’m not going to see it unless you apologize to me  _ in person. _

**Taranza:** Speaking of which.

**Taranza: ** Magolor, do you mind having a word with me?

**Taranza:** Face-to-face?

**Gaylien:** okay

**Gaylien:** i’ll head over

** _Daroach_ ** _ set his name back to default. _

**Daroach: @Dedede @Coo** Marx has done a lot of bad shit. Meta Knight and Kirby are already here but I’ll ping you two as well.

**Daroach:** I also have the offending image saved, and I’ll be sending it along.

**Borb:** I just looked everything over,  _ what the hell Marx _ .

**Ding-Dang Jester:** hm.

**Ding-Dang Jester:** i get the feeling this wasn’t as funny as I thought it was.

**Borb:** It’s not.

** _Borb_ ** _ has silenced  _ ** _Ding-Dang Jester_ ** _ for one (1) day. _

** _Borb_ ** _ has changed  _ ** _Marx_ ** _ ’s name back to default. _

**Borb:** I don’t want to hear your excuses.

**Borb:** If you want to protest your silencing, then dm me.

**Borb:** I might answer, I might not.

**Kirby:** (;n;)

**Kirby:** i don’t like this at all

**Kirby:** i’m gonna go take a nap or something

**Dedede:** want a hug?

**Kirby:** yeah

**Dedede:** where are you? I'll come to you.

**Kirby:** i’m at my house

**Dedede:** alright.

* * *

_ 11:05 AM _

** _Susanna Patyra Haltmann _ ** _ is talking to  _ ** _Magolor_ ** _ ! _

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I just saw what happened.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Talk to me when you’re ready.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I know you’re with Taranza, but I don’t care. I’m mostly angry at Marx right now.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I’m going to go destroy something.

**Magolor:** Mash up a bunch of grapes.

**Magolor:** Get some wine out of the deal.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Magolor?

**Magolor:** This is Taranza.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Oh

**Magolor:** Magolor is currently, well.

**Magolor:** He had the same idea you did. A bunch of Waddle Dees set up some targets and dummies to practice spear throwing, but he’s using them instead.

**Magolor:** I’m watching to make sure things don’t get out of hand.

**Susanna Patrya Haltmann:** Please tell me you didn’t scroll up in this.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I called Magolor a chicken nugget whore at one point.

**Magolor:** I didn’t.

**Magolor:** But I am going to tell you what I told him.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** ?

**Magolor:** I planned on asking both of you to dance at the ball, to see how I felt doing something sort of intimate with both of you.

**Magolor:** And I still do.

**Magolor:** It’s… going to be tough. My last relationship didn’t end well.

**Magolor:** I care a lot about both of you, and don’t want to hurt you.

**Magolor:** You two were my first friends outside of Dedede and Kirby, and Sectonia.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Sectonia?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Was that your previous lover?

**Magolor: ** ...Yes.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Sectonia… I’ve heard that name, in passing.

Magolor: Really now?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I can’t recall for the life of me where I heard it, however.

**Magolor:** I see.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Well.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I’ll see you when we all head to Ripple Star I guess?

**Magolor:** Alright.

**Magolor:** Hopefully we’ll be in better spirits then.

* * *

_ 1:00 PM _

** _Admin Chat_ **

**Dedede:** Alright, Kirby’s calmed down and napping, and I saw the picture.

**Dedede:** It's fucking nasty.

**Dedede:** Do we disinvite Marx from the ball?

**Meta Knight:** I suppose?

**Meta Knight:** I know he’d go just to joke around, and he did seem genuinely interested in going.

**Coo:** He does seem… somewhat remorseful of his actions?

**Coo:** I say we give it a couple nights, and of course not let him go to the ball.

**Coo:** Since it’s tomorrow evening, and we’re heading to Ripple Star tonight, it’ll be fresh in his mind why he’s not going.

**Dedede:** Alright.

**Dedede:** Sorry for waking you up, Coo.

**Coo:** It’s fine.

**Dedede:** Get some rest before we depart.

**Meta Knight:** I’ll alert my crew that Marx isn’t allowed on board.

**Meta Knight:** We won’t have to worry about him getting on the Lor Starcutter or Susie’s personal ship.

**Dedede:** And Daroach’s airship?

**Meta Knight:** Not space-worthy.

**Dedede:** Alright.

**Dedede: ** See you later this evening, then.

* * *

_ 5:58 PM _

**Sword Lesbian:** omg whose idea was it to give gooey a tiny little top hat

**Kine:** mine!

**Sword Lesbian:** 10/10 my dude

**Kine:** Thanks!

**Kine:** I figure it'd cheer everyone up after what happened today.

**Suwusie:** It did, thank you <3

**Daroach: ** Is everyone accounted for?

**Dedede:** I think so?

**Gaylien:** I have all of my passengers.

**Suwusie:** Same here.

**Dedede:** We’re off then!

* * *

_ 9:30 PM _

** _Susanna Patyra Haltmann_ ** _ is talking to  _ ** _Magolor_ ** _ ! _

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Magolor, it didn’t occur to me he ate bugs  _ alive _ .

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** He asked the Queen if a certain caterpillar was rare.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** And when she told him it was considered somewhat of a pest, he just popped it in his mouth and ate it.

**Magolor:** How’d the queen react?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann: ** She was shocked, but found it funny.

**Magolor:** Good, our man’s not causing a diplomatic incident.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** It’s just a bit… gross?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I’m not sure how I’d feel about coming home to a plate of live crickets or something like that.

**Magolor:** Susie.

**Magolor:** You’ve come too far to give up now over a few live bugs.

**Magolor:** And it’s not like that’s all he eats.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I guess you’re right, it just gives me the shivers.

**Magolor:** lol

**Magolor:** you should get to bed if you want to go to the garden pre-party, instead of talking to me about Taranza all night.

**Magolor:** we’ve already talked back and forth about him for like, four hours now?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** You’re right.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Hey Magolor?

**Magolor:** Yeah?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Are we friends again?

**Magolor:** I think so?

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** I’m glad about that.

**Susanna Patyra Haltmann:** Good luck with Taranza tomorrow.

**Magolor:** You too!

* * *

Susie opened the front door of her modest, yet well-designed home, built on highly sought-after property. She could hear her lovely husband humming something in the kitchen. Dinner was probably ready!

Their two beautiful children - a boy and a girl - ran up, their patented Haltmann Robo-Pup close behind. She lovingly gave them hugs and kisses, before going to see what was cooking. “Hello, honey!” Taranza said, grinning. “How was work today?”

“Wonderful! Haltmann Works Company is now worth 10 gatrillion dollars!”

“Oh, that’s incredible news! And I’ve made your favorite for dinner too!” He pulled out a chair for his wife, motioning with two of his hands. Then, proudly, he set a plate of something in front of her. Something that was  _ moving _ . “Earthworms and meatballs, just how you like it!”

“Oh, it’s… lovely!” Susie forced out, then forced herself to choke down a forkful of worms. A shiver ran down her spine, and she heard a strange gurgling noise.

Taranza was peering in the sink now. “Hm, I think there’s a clog - huh?”

Susie looked over to see her father, Max Proffit Haltmann, spinning up out of the kitchen sink's drain like some sort of demented bottle genie. “Susanna!”

“D-daddy?” Susie gasped.

Haltmann picked old bits of food out of his hair and threw it at Taranza. “Is this really what you want? Insects for dinner each night? Besides -” He slammed the side of the refrigerator, causing its doors to swing open. “Your beautiful husband is cheating on you!”

Magolor sheepishly waved from his nest of frozen peas. “Hey Susie.” 

“Hey Magolor.” Susie said, casually. Magolor offered Susie a carton of ice cream, which she accepted. She took a spoonful. It tasted like Play-Doh. She looked at the label on it and realized it was Play-Doh flavored. She set the ice cream on the table, refocusing on her father. “Daddy, I love Taranza! I love him so much, I let him pick both me and Magolor!”

“Are you truly content with that? To live as an animal would?”

“If it means being with my beloved, an animal I’ll be!”

“Then you shall perish, as I have.” Her fathers eyes turned into a deep purple starfield, and he shot out of the kitchen sink like a rocket.

“W-what?”

There was a deep rumbling as everything folded in on itself, dissolved, stirred, ground together -

Susie sat up with a jolt. She was in bed, in a guest room on Ripple Star. A bit of sunlight filtered in through the window, and she could see a few fairies flying around in the distance. “... Huh. That was weird.” She shrugged, then threw her covers off of her body and went to get ready for the day, figuring her friends would want to hear about her weird dream.


	6. The Biggest Balls of them All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> marx gets unmuted and watches shrek, minor costume porn, and two first kisses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually legitimately sorry if you come to this fic for the chats. This chapter mostly consists of prose. However, this is kicking off a plot arc I had the idea for when I first thought of this fic, so here we go. Actual danger, WHOO!
> 
> also, surprise, all your favorite movies aren't made by humans in the kirbyverse!
> 
> Most of the characters have kept their names, but some have not. Here is a key:
> 
> Gaylien - Magolor  
Sword Lesbian - Flamberge  
Borb - Meta Knight (name was assigned to him by Kirby)

_ 10:57 AM _

** _Marx_ ** _ has been unsilenced! _

**Bonkers:** Uh oh.

**Marx:** haha, oh no, the nasty gremlin boy’s able to talk now

**Marx:** look, i’m actually really sorry

**Marx:** I took things too far, and everyone got upset with me

**Suwusie:** Marx, listen. I don’t have the time to talk with you right now. I’m helping Adeleine put on her dress, and I’ve still got to put on my own dress and do something with Flamberge’s hair.

**Marx:** what’s everyone else up to

**Suwusie:** Preparing for the pre-party.

**Suwusie:** We’re in close proximity to each other, so we’re all talking in person.

**Marx:** pre-party?

**Suwusie:** There’s a pre-party that leads into the actual ball, which starts at four and ends at midnight.

**Marx:** oh.

**Dedede:** Marx, are you behaving?

**Marx:** yes

**Dedede:** Do you promise to continue to behave?

**Marx:** yes

**Dedede:** Okay, I need you, Bonkers and ** @Hyness** to let me know if something happens to the castle.

**Dedede:** If you do so, _ responsibly _, maybe I’ll forgive you.

**Marx:** okay

**Bonkers:** i’ll head on over

**Marx:** hey wait a minute

**Marx:** bonkers and hyness are on popstar?

**Bonkers:** Fancy parties aren’t my thing.

**Hyness:** i can’t dance

**Hyness:** and don’t want to embarrass the girls

**Dedede:** just house-sit for me

**Dedede:** It’ll be easy, most of the work is being done by Waddle Dees.

**Dedede:** Make sure they don’t touch Taranza’s webs and you can just like, sit and watch shrek or something.

**Marx:** well damn if you’d told me i could watch shrek earlier i’d be over there by now

**Taranza:** I don’t want Marx in my room.

**Taranza:** Bonkers is fine, though. Hyness, I’m not sure about.

**Marx:** i understand completely.

**Marx:** wait shit he can’t see my messages

**Dedede:** don’t worry about it

**Dedede:** just go to the castle already

**Marx:** alright alright, jeez

* * *

Ribbon looked out over the sea of glitter in front of her, adjusting the little bow on the dress Susie had made her. It was a nice coral pink, and dotted with little blue gems. There were people from all over Gamble Galaxy filing into the opulent ballroom from the garden outside, and she flitted over to Dedede, waving hi to Elline and Claycia as she passed.

The king was adjusting Kirby’s _adorable_ little suit and bowtie, and looked up at her arrival. “Queen Ripple is almost ready! Look alive, sir!”

The fringe on Dedede’s coat glimmered as he gave her a thumbs up, then turned his attention to the grand doors. A low rumble of conversation filled the room, as Ribbon took her position.

The doors opened, and there was a collective gasp as what looked like a ball of sparks stepped out. The Fairy Queen was wearing a gown with a beautiful pattern etched out in jewels. She’d even gotten a jewel-encrusted pair of glasses to match, and her crown was the plainest part of her outfit -

The queen tripped over her magnificent gown, eliciting an even louder, more concerned gasp from the crowd. Ribbon and another attendant rushed forward to grab the poor queen before she hit the ground. After being steadied, she adjusted her crown and glasses, before clearing her throat. “Welcome, all, to the Crystal Ball!” A swell of music rose, and the crowd clapped and cheered.

* * *

_ 4:30 PM _

**Gaylien:** i can’t believe the queen put raw caterpillars on the buffet because she saw taranza eat one

**Gaylien:** and that kirby refused to eat them

**Taranza:** Oh, heads up, they’re bringing fondue pots to the table.

**Taranza:** Can’t wait to try them chocolate dipped!

**Suwusie:** Please get your own bowl of chocolate.

**Ribbon:** eeew

**Kirby:** caterpillars are gross (>.<)

**Taranza:** I can’t believe how many of you guys actually tried caterpillars though.

**Taranza:** I’ll have to get you guys to try them deep fried, it lends a pleasant nut

**Gaylien:** djklasjkaljdkal a pleasant nut

**Taranza:** AA I HIT ENTER BY ACCIDENT

**Taranza:** I was going to say it lends a pleasant nuttiness to them 

**Taranza:** Also, Magolor, I’m right here, you can keysmash to my face.

**Gaylien:** how

**Suwusie:** No, really. How.

**Sword Lesbian:** clearly taranza just wants to smash and give you a pleasant nut ;)

**Taranza:** FLAMBERGE

**Sword Lesbian: **just being my husband’s wing woman

**Sword Lesbian:** or susie’s

**Marx:** EMERGENCY

**Kirby:** ?

**Bonkers:** we’re at shrek the 3rd 

**Bonkers:** the worst shrek

**Marx:** but if we want to show hyness the fourth shrek movie we HAVE to watch the third because important plot details were introduced in it

**Hyness:** i don’t see what’s bad about it

**Hyness:** it’s another shrek movie how can it be bad

**Marx:** shame on you for not showing him all the shrek movies by the way **@Daroach**

**Daroach:** I refuse to own a copy of Shrek the Third.

**Dedede:** I’m afraid to ask

**Dedede:** but what were you doing for the two hours you weren’t watching shrek

**Dedede:** I told you to go to the castle around five hours ago, and it takes around 3 hours to watch the first two shrek movies.

**Marx:** i was copping some snacks and actually going to the castle, duh

**Marx:** also, how come you know how long shrek one and two are?

**Marx:** do you know how long each shrek movie is?

**Dedede:** shh

**Marx:** if you do that’s legitimately amazing

**Kine:** watch puss in boots to put off watching shrek the 3rd

**Marx:** good idea actually

**Ribbon:** you know, now that I’m thinking of it

**Ribbon:** has anyone seen a human in real life, that isn’t adeleine?

**Ribbon:** she’s the only human at this party

**Marx:** … no?

**Marx:** neil cicierega is definitely not human, btw

**Marx:** i know he looks like one but he’s not

**Kirby:** adeleine’s parents are human, right?

**Marx:** isn’t she an orphan?

**Marx:** like, a bunch of waddle dees found her as a baby one day near a weird crashed spaceship

**Marx:** and they were like, “oh shit free baby” and raised her as their own

**Marx:** that’s what she told me when i asked her where her parents were

**Marx:** probably shouldn’t have mentioned that now that i think of it

**Marx:** she’ll get mad at me

**Ribbon:** she told me that too, so don’t worry too much about it

**Hyness:** truly strange indeed

* * *

Susie sipped at her champagne, watching everyone whirl about the dance floor. Ribbon had been right, there was all sorts of people at the ball. There were even some Halcandrans there. Halcandrans that Magolor was desperate to avoid. There was a story behind that, a story that meant Magolor had chosen a private dance, later in the evening.

Speaking of dancing, Taranza made his way over to her, offering his hand. “Shall we?” She accepted, and away they went, her pink and white gown fluttering behind her. He inched his way to the center, fully intending to lead Susie in the dance.

As far as she was concerned, that wasn’t going to happen. She pushed gently against Taranza’s body, leading him into a dip. He gasped and barely caught himself. “Why, Taranza…” she teased. “Did you forget how clumsy you were?”

“Susie, _ please _…” he whispered, placing a hand on the small of her back and lifting himself up again.

She giggled, despite herself. This was her last chance to make him hers, and she was going to have fun with it. 

They twirled, they waltzed, and somehow, somewhere, something snagged on her hem and she missed a step. _ How? _ She’d taken many dance lessons, from foxtrot to tango, and she’d been certain she’d been doing everything perfectly. But slowly, she dipped and…

Taranza kissed her.

He kissed her, and she froze.

Questions were whirling in her head. Did he plan this? Had he snuck a bit of web onto the floor for her skirt to catch on? And wait, _ oh _ … this was her first kiss like _ this _… 

She’d always been so focused on her work, she’d had no time for boys, or love. And here she was now, having a competition over someone, and dancing and laughing and _ kissing _…

It was too much.

She’d told Kirby, once, that she preferred working in a perfectly controlled environment. She knew where everything was, every variable. But now, she was in an environment where she wasn’t in control, and she wasn’t sure if she liked that.

As his lips left her, she knew she was in love, but could she handle it? She wasn’t sure. “Um… that…”

“Are you okay, Susie? Do you need to sit down?”

“I think… that would be nice.”

Taranza nodded, and guided her to a table where Daroach was helping Bandana Dee adjust his tie. “Do you want anything? Water, maybe?”

“U-um… water would be nice.” Oh, her face was probably bright pink - maybe as pink as her hair by how hot her cheeks felt - and she caught Daroach smirking at her cheekily. “You okay there, Susie?” he asked after Taranza had left.

“I’m not sure.”

“That,” he leaned forward. “was your first _ romantic _ kiss, wasn’t it?”

_ That scoundrel! _ And yet, he was right. That kiss was nothing like the little cheek or forehead kisses she’d shared with others when they shared food. Nothing like Kirby’s sticky tomato-scented ones, or Dedede’s, where he brushed her hair back kind of like a father would…

Oh _ shit _. Daroach had seen them. Who else had? Did Magolor see? She groaned and buried her face in her hands as Daroach laughed at her and Bandana Dee hopped into a nearby chair, picking at a dinner roll. “How’d it feel?” the Dee asked, his eyes full of innocence.

“It was… confusing.”

Daroach chuckled. “Susie, my dear, that’s just how love tends to be.”

She pondered this. If love was confusing and complicated, was it truly right for her? Bandana Dee offered her a roll and she set about buttering it, her thoughts drifting to her dream the night before. All she remembered was her father, yelling from her kitchen sink that she couldn’t be with Taranza… and for whatever reason, Magolor was living with the happy couple in their freezer, distributing ice cream.

Ice cream actually sounded _ fantastic _, and when Taranza returned with her water, she suggested that the whole table go get some from the dessert buffet.

* * *

_ 6:25 PM _

**Bonkers: @Dedede** i think we got a problem

**Borb:** Dedede is dancing with the queen right now. What’s going on?

**Hyness:** it’s marx

**Hyness:** he fell asleep because he said the movie was boring and now he’s screaming

**Bonkers:** his wings keep popping out 

**Bonkers:** i’m kind of scared

**Bonkers:** what do we do

**Borb:** He’s screaming in his sleep?

**Hyness:** yes

**Borb:** Try waking him up, but be careful about it.

**Bonkers:** i just turned the volume up on the movie until he woke up

**Bonkers:** we’re going to give him a moment, he seems pretty shaken

**Borb:** Get back to us as soon as you can.

**Marx:** it was a nightmare

**Marx:** a fucking nightmare

**Borb:** … I’m getting the king.

**Marx:** everything kept disappearing, into this… starfield

**Marx:** everything and everyone

**Marx:** oh god, guys, i don’t want that to happen, i don’t want to lose you guys, i don’t want to be alone

**Dedede:** Marx.

**Dedede:** Do you want to earn my trust again?

**Marx:** yes??

**Dedede:** Then take Bonkers, Hyness, and a few Waddle Dees, and go to Rainbow Resort and check on the Fountain.

**Dedede:** Make sure the Star Rod is in one piece.

**Dedede:** I wish I didn’t have to send you three, but you three are all I’ve got.

**Dedede:** Got it?

**Marx:** yes sir

* * *

The air outside the ballroom was cool. Magolor hated the cold, and was grateful his dress robes - trimmed with the seeds of gem apples - kept him warm. Despite everything, he knew it wasn’t his upcoming dance that worried him.

He’d banished himself out here, to a little gazebo, just as _ they _ had banished him.

In his heart he knew that the Halcandrans here probably knew nothing about him, nothing about _them_, but _they_ were the reason Flamberge was at his side, keeping him warm as well, through her own radiant body heat. Francisca had warned him, at the beach, that standing next to her fiery sister was like standing next to a stove - and she hadn’t been incorrect. Just fistbumping her had been like punching a warm loaf of bread, or something like that. Her black dress glittered with red and orange sparks - little gems that Susie had placed strategically to make it seem like Flamberge was wearing flames.

Nearby, Magolor knew that the other two sisters were waiting behind glass doors - Francisca, in a blue gown trimmed with lace made out of frost, and Zan Partizanne, in a gold lamé dress that arced with an occasional spark. 

_ They _ knew he was here, that he was sure of. His ears twitched, constantly, waiting to hear some insult hissed at him from the bushes, and he flinched when he heard the doors open. “Magolor?”

_ Taranza. Sweet, sweet Taranza. _ He turned, seeing his dance partner waiting and smiling shyly. Magolor couldn’t help himself, he went forward for a hug, which Taranza gladly returned. “I have to admit, I didn’t think you’d request to be in private…”

“I’m going to fully admit that I didn’t either.” Magolor sighed, taking one of Taranza’s hands. “There’s… people that might recognize me…”

“I get it. We can stay out here all night if you’d like.” Taranza nodded to Flamberge, who went to join her sisters, but not before winking conspiratorially and giggling a bit.

And there they were. They could hear the orchestra, through the glass, but the sound between them consisted mostly of a symphony of crickets and frogs. It would have to do, he decided, then reached for Taranza’s hands and led him to the gazebo.

The two moved awkwardly, unsure of how to dance to no music, before giving up and sitting on one of the little benches for conversation. It was pleasant, just talking about the party, and their friends… and then it turned to the subject of why they were outside.

“Well, um, you see, Taranza…” Magolor started. “I’m an exile too.”

A look of horror, than understanding, crossed Taranza’s face. “Oh, Magolor… how did it happen?” The spider reached for his hand, clasping it. “If you’re okay with telling me…”

“Um… not really…” Magolor’s ears drooped. It would seem strange, to a native of Popstar, where love was love, and nobody gave half a shit about a dwindling population, or…

Movement caught his eye. Oh, _ no _… it was one of the other Halcandrans, the female one, her blunt bangs covering her eyes as she inspected the garden nearby… looking for something. Or someone?

If he was being hunted down, he had no time to lose. In one motion, he pulled down his scarf and brought Taranza closer…

And their lips met.

_ His first kiss. _

Taranza paused, for a moment, then moved a pair of his hands to Magolor’s back, pressing in more, pressing their bodies together. For a brief moment, Magolor entertained the idea of going further, maybe adding tongue, or biting one of Taranza’s lips, but it wasn’t worth it - it might scare Taranza away - but he needed this, needed the feeling of being close to someone after feeling alone for so, _ so long _...

A sob racked his body, pressing their foreheads together and separating their mouths. “Taranza, I…”

Taranza wrapped him in a hug. “It’s alright. Tell me what you need to.”

“I’ve done such horrible things…”

“Me too, and Susie has too. You’re not alone-”

“I did those things _ because _ I felt like I was alone!” Magolor cried. God, that other Halcandran was going to hear him, but he didn’t care. “They… my people didn’t want me, after they found out I preferred men… and then I turned around and lied to and cheated the first few people who made me feel like I was wanted, like I wasn’t _ alone _… and… and…”

“I killed her.”

“Wh-what?”

“Sectonia. I killed her, all because I wanted to get her a gift and the damn mirror turned out to be cursed…” Taranza was crying now, into the side of Magolor’s hood. “Kirby… he finished the job, but I’m the reason she’s dead.”

Magolor sniffed a little, pulling back. “But… if you didn’t know the mirror was cursed… was it really your fault?”

Taranza gaped at him a bit. “I… I mean, I should have checked to see… but I was foolish, and all I saw was a mirror that looked like it had been delivered by angels, a perfect gift for a girl who had everything…”

“You don’t… you shouldn’t blame yourself Taranza.” Magolor kissed his tears away. “I’m sure Sectonia, if she were here… she’d understand.”

“She wasn’t herself, Magolor, when she died… I looked up at the Dreamstalk and knew that wasn’t my beloved anymore, just a twisted parody… I had to stop her, had to help Kirby…”

“She’d be proud of you, I think, for coming this far.”

Taranza blinked up at him, wiping away tears. “Y-you think so?”

“Yeah.” He watched, out of the corner of his eye, as the other Halcandran floated away in a sheepish manner, her ears pinned back. She’d definitely heard them, but wasn't attacking him for daring to kiss another man. She just seemed to be embarrassed to have stumbled upon a vulnerable moment. “We’re a mess, aren’t we?”

Taranza giggled a little. “We were supposed to dance, Magolor, not share tragic backstories.”

Magolor laughed. “Why don’t we go chat with that other Halcandran? She looked like she was looking for something, maybe we can help her.”

“I like the idea of that. But, um, Magolor?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to cover your face back up?”

“O-oh!” He moved his scarf back to it's normal position. “T-thank you.”

* * *

_ 12:45 AM _

**Dedede: @Marx @Bonkers @Hyness** STATUS REPORT NOW

**Dedede:** IT’S BEEN SIX HOURS GUYS COME ON

**Marx:** dedede…

**Marx:** there's weird fucking monsters all over the place

**Marx:** we're getting out all the friendly people

**Marx:** we thought they were all dead at first 

**Bonkers: **Hyness is insisting we make sure everyone’s in a safe area

**Dedede:** Oh god…

**Dedede:** go check on the star rod NOW

**Marx:** I’m flying up ahead

**Marx:** oh

**Marx:** dedede i’m sorry

**Marx:** it’s gone

**Marx:** the star rod is gone

* * *

Something was wrong.

He’d gone to sleep in his room, and when he’d woken up, the whole place was covered in glowing cobwebs and he was on the floor! Was this the king’s idea of a silly prank, or was it one of those brats from the village? Say, come to think of it, why was all his furniture different?

He stormed out into the hallway. “Alright, whoever moved all my furniture around - huh?” The place looked completely different. Instead of the brick’s normal dingy green-grey, they were a nice golden yellow, and a red carpet lined the area.

Also, there were two Waddle Dees pointing their spears at him. “Hey, what’s the big idea? Don’t you have any idea who I am?”

“Sir, we don’t know who you are or what you were doing in Taranza’s quarters, but we’re going to have to ask you to explain everything.” Hold on, what? Waddle Dees couldn't _talk_!

“I… you… uuggh…” 

Soon, the Waddle Dees were poking at this strange intruder with the blunt end of their spears, wondering why he’d so suddenly appeared, when another cry rang out...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gee, I wonder who that mysterious visitor could be...


	7. Dedede gets attacked by Capitalism

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone runs back to Popstar, and meet two new people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so i posted this without previewing it first so if there's non-intentional typos that's why
> 
> my introduction to kirby was through smash bros melee and the anime so i have fond memories of it.

_ 1:11 AM _

** _Dedede_ ** _ added _ ** _Queen Ripple_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

**Dedede:** alright, now you can check in on us

**Queen Ripple:** Thank you!

**Hyness:** we cleaned out the rest of the monsters, but the star rod is nowhere to be found

**Queen Ripple:** I’ve asked Claycia and Elline to stay behind, since Seventopia doesn’t have a Fountain of Dreams.

**Queen Ripple:** A few others have offered to stay behind as well, so I feel like our Fountain’s well protected.

**Dedede:** If you feel they aren’t enough, let us know, we’ll send Ribbon back.

**Queen Ripple:** Alright.

**Borb:** I’m going to be completely honest, I assumed something was going to happen at the ball itself.

**Borb:** But not on Popstar...

**Dedede:** I’ve also gotten reports of strange intruders at the castle.

**Dedede:** According to the Dees, their invasion probably wasn't on purpose, so they're being kept in a guest room.

**Marx:** hey dedede does ripple know that you know how long each shrek movie is

**Dedede:** not the time

**Marx:** just trying to lighten the mood

**Dedede:** don’t

**Marx:** okay

**Adeleine:** shit, i left my shirt behind

**Queen Ripple:** Language, young lady!

**Adeleine:** you’re like, my age

**Queen Ripple:** …

**Adeleine:** Right???

**Queen Ripple:** i’m 35…

**Adeleine:** …

**Adeleine:** i’m going to bed

* * *

_ 2:04 AM _

**Marx:** you got here before we ded

**Marx:** did

**Marx:** god i’m so fucking tired

**Dedede:** I ordered Magolor to step on it.

**Dedede:** The invaders are being kept in one of the guest rooms, since the Waddle Dees said they didn’t invade on purpose?

**Marx:** let’s go check

* * *

Dedede knew how the Waddle Dees had figured out that the invasion wasn’t on purpose.

Because one of them was a little girl.

She glared up at him, gritting her teeth. “Okay, Dedede, joke’s over! Where’s my family? Where’s everybody? And where. Is. _ Kirby _?”

“Whoa, whoa, easy there, girlie, Kirby’s on his way, and I don’t -” his breath caught as he finally looked at the other one. He recognized this guy.

He was supposed to be _ dead _.

Escargoon had been one of his attendants, and had died of a stress-induced heart attack during the Dreamstalk incident. He'd never been too active in his plans, and mostly had helped with various gadgets, like Dedede's mechanized hammer.

“I… this is…” Dedede heard Marx come in behind him, and plopped the jester between him and the girl. “Explain where she is, and where we were for the last day. I need to think.”

“But Dedede, I -”

“No buts, Marx. I’m seeing someone who died five years ago in front of me.”

“Wait, _ what _?” the girl yelled, rousing her snail companion. “Who died?”

“Well, whoever it was, you’re screaming loud enough to wake them - oh! Your majesty!” The snail ran forward at a surprising pace, pushing Marx out of the way (and earning a death glare to boot). He embraced his king, nuzzling into Dedede’s chest. “Thank heavens you’re here, and nice job on the quick remodel!”

“Escargoon -” He pushed the snail away, holding him by the shoulders. “What are you doing here?”

* * *

_ 2:35 am _

**Adeleine:** Just got a nightmare, so it looks like my going to bed to avoid embarrassment plan didn't work.

**Taranza:** I just got one ttoo

**Taranza:** Can someone come to the tv room i nnede a hug

**Sword Lesbian:** god wohever stole the star rod

**Sword Lesbian:** im ginna run up to them an be lije

**Sword Lesbian: **I DON'T GET NO SLEEP CAUSE IF YALL

**Sword Lesbian:** YALL NOT GONNA GRT SOE SLEEP CAUSE OF ME

**Hyness:** you need it flamberge

**Hyness:** try to sleep

**Gooey:** baaaaddddreamms

**Gooey:** everyyytime

**Taranza:** **@Marx** i hearr you in the next room

**Marx:** you unblocked me

**Taranza:** This bullshit is more iimportant than how maad i am at you

**Taranza:** But i still waant aan inperrsonc apology

**Taranza: **Thats why i @ you but now i thhink it might not be a good idea? I dont know

**Taranza:** I cant think right now

**Marx:** are you having a panic attack?

**Taranza:** Maybe

**Taranza:** I dont know

**Marx:** dude i hear you crying

**Marx:** put your phone down

**Marx:** i'm just going to make things worse in there but megalovania's on his way

**Marx:** FUCKING

**Marx:** AUTOCORRECT WITH THE BAD TIMING

**Taranza:** heh

** _Dedede_ ** _ has added _ ** _A Burnt Chicken Nugget_ ** _ to the chat " _ ** _Kirby's Friends_ ** _ " _

**Suwusie: @Gaylien**

**Gaylien:** susie can you NOT we have a spider to hug

**Suwusie:** That's why I got your attention, I can't physically be there.

**Marx: **he just zoomed past me susie, he knew

**Suwusie:** My ship's in low orbit, i'll be there soon.

** _A Burnt Chicken Nugget_ ** _ has changed their name to _ ** _Escargoon_ ** _ . _

**Dedede:** I’m getting you and the girl your own phones later, you can borrow this one for now.

**Escargoon:** waddle dees have a weird sense of humor.

**Kirby:** ??? a new friend???

**Escargoon:** KIRBY

**Escargoon:** DON’T TELL ME YOU DON’T REMEMBER ME

**Kirby:** no???

**Escargoon:** NOT AGAIN

**Escargoon:** The king says he remembers me but i’m supposed to be dead!

**Kirby:** what do you look like???

**Escargoon:** A snail

**Kirby:** hmm, i don’t know any snails, sorry!

**Escargoon:** aggh

**Kirby:** hmm

**Kirby:** but you know me?

**Escargoon:** Yeah?

**Kirby:** maybe i should invite all my friends to the castle, so you can see if you know any of them!

**Kirby:** it can be like a slumber party, since it’s so late at night!

**Gaylien: **Kirby, now's not a good time for Taranza.

**Gaylien:** I'm taking him up to his room.

**Dedede:** kirby wait we don’t have enough sleeping bags here

**Dedede:** or pillows, or anything

**Hyness:** i can sleep on the floor

**Escargoon:** I guess I could learn whether **@Sword Lesbian** is a lesbian with a sword, or a sword who’s a lesbian

**Escargoon:** Or a lesbian attracted to swords?

**Escargoon:** a swordsbian

**Sword Lesbian:** DKJSAFSIOAN

* * *

_ 9:30 AM _

** _Dedede_ ** _ has added _ ** _Tiff_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Dedede_ ** _ has added _ ** _Escargoon_ ** _ to the chat named _ ** _“Kirby’s Friends”_ **

** _Dedede_ ** _ kicked _ ** _A Burnt Chicken Nugget!_ **

**Gaylien:** noooo not nugget dee

**Dedede:** he had some weird memes on his phone let me tell ya

**Kirby: @Tiff** hello!

**Tiff:** Hello?

**Tiff:** It works, cool!

**Tiff:** It’s so cool that you have phones that work by touching the screen!

**Gaylien:** boy wait till she learns about the switch

**B.Dee:** I had my switch with me last night…

**Tiff:** the what?

**Gaylien:** it's a game console that has a touch screen

**Tiff:** :O

**Kirby:** Hey how's Taranza?

**Suwusie:** Better.

**Marx:** omg susie’s gonna blow this girl’s mind

**Dedede:** She already freaked out when Kirby spoke a full sentence at her

**Dedede:** He asked, “hi, who are you?” and she screamed

**Tiff:** Well, our Kirby is a baby.

**Tiff:** He only says “poyo.”

**Sword Lesbian:** sadjsdaf adorbale

**Zan Partygoer:** Flamberge PLEASE

**Zan Partygoer:** AT LEAST TAKE A NAP

**Marx:** Our Kirby’s taken down multiple gods.

**Escargoon:** That’s… terrifying.

**Dedede:** from what i can tell these guys are at flip-phone levels of technology

**Marx:** do you have gameboys?

**Tiff:** My brother has a gameboy advance.

**Marx:** Alright that gives us a timeframe here

**Dedede:** wait hold on

**B.Dee:** Someone’s at the castle door…

**B.Dee:** I’ll get it, okay?

* * *

Bandana Dee blinked up at the strange person in a suit and tie, and sunglasses. He looked… almost human, but Dee was pretty sure humans didn’t have short legs. “Um… can I help you?”

The stranger seemed taken aback that he spoke, at first, then smiled, the sun glinting off his sunglasses. “Hello there! Is King Dedede home?”

“Yeah, but something bad happened recently. What’s this about?” Bandana Dee didn’t trust those sunglasses.

“I just wanted to see if he wanted to sign up for Nightmare Enterprises’ catalog delivery ser-”

“Oh, sorry, the king doesn’t accept solicitors.” Bandana Dee shut the door, not giving it a second thought.

* * *

_ 9:37 AM _

**B.Dee:** just some weirdo trying to sell you stuff.

**Dedede:** Oh, okay

**Tiff:** Hey **@Gaylien**, if it’s not weird, can I ask you who you are? You didn't show up last night...

**Taranza:** He's my boyfriend.

**Tiff:** you too, **@Taranza** and **@Suwusie**

**Tiff: **wait

**Tiff:** ???

**Gaylien:** i am???

**Gaylien:** we just kissed and cried on each other last night, i don’t think that counts as boyfriends

**Suwusie:** This is news to me.

**Gaylien:** news to me too

**Taranza:** We decided last night, didn’t we?

**Gaylien:** N-no...

**Taranza:** wait i dreamed that

**Taranza:** You’d think I’d know that because there’s no giant octopus in the castle…

**Dedede:** I mean you don’t know that

**Taranza:** Well is there?

**Taranza: @Tiff @Escargoon** are either of you a giant octopus

**Tiff:** No...?

**Gaylien:** quick we need a giant octopus so taranza will be my boyfriend

**Taranza:** You could just come ask me.

**Taranza:** No need for an all-you-can-eat takoyaki buffet.

**Gaylien:** um

**Gaylien:** hang on where are you

**Taranza:** Upstairs, in my room.

**Gaylien:** Be right there.

**Tiff:** Wait…

**Tiff:** They’re both boys, right?

**Suwusie:** Yes.

**Tiff:** So why are they asking each other to be boyfriends?

**Tiff:** Can they _ do _ that?

**Escargoon:** Tiff?

**Escargoon:** Do you not know what gay means?

**Tiff:** Of course I do, it means happy!

**Tiff:** Right?

**Escargoon:** Um

**Escargoon:** You’re not going to believe me, but it has another meaning.

**Escargoon:** Can someone else me explain?

**Borb: **I’ll do it.

**Tiff:** Who are you?

**Tiff: **Oh, kirby just told me.

**Tiff:** Hi Meta Knight, have you had any luck finding the one who took the Star Rod yet?

**Borb:** Unfortunately, no.

**Tiff:** That’s too bad.

**Escargoon:** It’s starting to occur to me that she’s never seen a gay couple…

**Borb:** Hm.

**Borb:** Tiff, do you know how your mother and father are in love with each other?

**Escargoon:** Or like how Samo and Mabel are pretending like they’re not dating, but they’re totally boyfriend and girlfriend?

**Tiff:** ESCARGOON THAT’S A SECRET!!!!

**Borb:** Sometimes boys can be in love with other boys like that.

**Borb:** Those boys are called gay.

**Marx:** you make it sound so MEAN but it’s the truth!

**Tiff:** Just like that?

**Borb:** Yes.

**Tiff: **Can girls love other girls?

**Borb:** Those are called lesbians.

**Tiff:** Wow, this is all new to me!

**Tiff:** … Can someone love both boys and girls?

**Borb:** Yes. We call them bi.

**Tiff:** Wait, so the lesbians only like girls, and gays only like boys?

**Borb:** That’s correct.

**Tiff:** Hey Escargoon?

**Tiff:** Are you gay?

**Escargoon:** ch bhznffzbff

**Suwusie:** There's the tell-tale keysmash.

**Escargoon:** I DROPPED MY PHONE

**Escargoon: **but yes, I'm gay

**Tiff:** Okay!

**Gaylien:** Ladies and Gentlemen.

**Gaylien:** I have a boyfriend.

**Taranza:** SKDLFJASJKDL I WANTED TO TELL THEM

**Suwusie:** !!!!

**Suwusie:** Congratulations!

**Kirby:** wait

**Kirby:** did you two switch phones?

**Kirby:** cute!!!

**Taranza:** oh crap this is taranza’s phone lol

**Marx:** okay does susie get a consolation prize

**Sword Lesbian:** can i be the prize

**Francisca:** FLAMBERGE

**Francisca:** HYNESS WILL TAKE YOUR PHONE AWAY

**Suwusie:** I honestly don’t know how to respond to that.

**Taranza:** I'll make a sweater for Susie or something.

**Suwusie:** I’d like a full outfit.

**Taranza:** You sure?

**Suwusie:** Yes.

**Tiff:** !!!!

**Tiff:** KIRBY PURRS WHEN YOU PET HIM

**Marx:** we been knew

**Tiff:** how did i never think of petting him…

**Gaylien:** tiff is learning a ton of things today and i’m living for it

* * *

_ 12:43 PM _

**Dedede:** yo i just got a weird sales call

**Dedede:** some dude trying to sell me monsters

**Dedede:** and i was like, “NO”

**Dedede:** “Are you absolutely INSANE?”

**Dedede:** “We’ve already got enough monsters!”

**Dedede:** He called me big D though so that was cool

** _Dedede_ ** _ has changed his name to _ ** _Big D_ ** _ ! _

**B.Dee:** I think he showed up earlier lol

**B.Dee:** weird dude with sneaky looking sunglasses and stumpy little legs

**Escargoon:** I KNOW WHO YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT

**Escargoon: **He used to sell my Dedede monsters all the time!

**Big D:** Why would he buy monsters?

**Escargoon:** To mess with Kirby, mostly.

**Big D:** … Why would I do that?

**Escargoon:** Because you didn’t like him.

**Escargoon:** Well, actually, you did, it’s just that having someone to mess around with kept you from gettin’ bored, Sire.

**Big D:** That’s weird.

**Gaylien:** sorry this is off topic but i can’t believe i forgot about taranza’s giant, sterling silver, two-liter teapot

**Gaylien:** i forgot it fell out of one of his bags when we were loading his stuff on the lor and it made a really loud clang

**Big D:** And we were worried we’d dented it, lol

**Taranza:** I’ll give it to Escargoon so he can spill the tea about his Dedede, and the salesman guy.

**Escargoon:** What does that mean?

**Gaylien:** it means tell us the juicy gossip

**Escargoon:** Well, bring that giant teapot downstairs then, and I’ll spill some tea for ya, and we can FINALLY MEET

**Taranza:** Oh right, I didn't come down last night.

**Escargoon:** you got chamomile?

**Taranza:** I have a chamomile-mint-lavender blend, purely herbal.

**Escargoon:** That’ll work.

* * *

_ 3:32 PM _

**Big D:** HE GOT IN THE CASTLE

**Big D:** HOW DID HE GET IN THE CASTLE

**B.Dee:** Who did?

**Big D:** SALESMAN GUY

**Marx:** the spirit of capitalism drives this man to extremes

**Big D:** I clobbered him, he’s on the throne room floor

**Big D:** look out the windows to the north if you wanna see this dude fly

**Marx:** YEET HIS ASS, DEDEDE

**Kirby:** wait!

**Kirby:** maybe he knows where the star rod is!

**Big D:** oh shit you’re right

**Big D:** okay dungeon time then

**Suwusie:** I’ll grab my dice.

**Big D: **susie no there’s no dragons

**Suwusie:** Well then, what is the _ point _?

**Daroach: **You have a dungeon?

**Big D:** Yeah?

**Escargoon:** What kinda castle doesn’t have a dungeon?

**Big D:** okay he’s in the dungeon

**Big D:** how do we get him to talk

**Marx:** I have an idea

* * *

Dedede looked the salesman over, thinking. This man was clearly shocked that he didn’t want to buy any stinkin’ monsters, and wasn’t prepared for a clobbering. As Marx walked in, he cleared his throat. “Alright boy. You got any idea where the Star Rod is?”

“Star Rod? Your majesty, I have no idea what you’d want with that.” The salesman’s voice was dripping in flattery. “Besides, we don’t have Star Rods.”

Marx chuckled. “That’s not a good lie, sir.” He stepped in front of Dedede. “See, you show up to sell monsters, right after a bunch of monsters invaded Rainbow Resort? I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

“Oh, and who are you?”

“One of the guys who mopped up those monsters. I gotta say, you have quite the impressive catalogue! A giant wolf that breathes fire? That’s badass dude, I’d buy it.”

The salesman grinned, spreading out his arms. “Wolfwrath is one of our strongest monsters! A top-of-the line choice!”

“Yeah, well, it went down like a chump when Hyness cast an ice spell on it.” Marx said, casually tapping his toe. “But you just told me something valuable.”

“Oh?”

“You just admitted that that monster belongs to you.” Marx giggled, flashing those weird eyes he got sometimes, the ones that gave Dedede the creeps. "Or your boss. Who probably has the Star Rod."

“Why you…” The salesman gripped the bars that separated him from the king. “Listen, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, D-meister, but if the higher-ups find out I’ve been treated this way…”

“You’ll what? Send more crummy monsters after us? Kirby will just thank you for the food.” Dedede said. “Anyway, about that Star Rod…”

The dungeon door opened, and a little blue blob scooted his way in, making his way to the bars. “I’d like you to meet Gooey. _ Our _ strongest monster.”

“Do you know what a Waddle Doo looks like when it’s turned inside out?” Marx asked. “I do, because of Gooey!”

“Dyna Blade used to have a mate, who was ten times as powerful as her, and one hundred times bigger,” Dedede leaned closer to the salesman’s face. “Gooey _ ate _ him in about 30 seconds.” Good, the salesman was starting to sweat a bit.

“Did you know we used to have two moons orbiting Popstar? That was before Gooey showed up.”

“Hey Gooey? Why don’t you show this guy your cool trick?”

Gooey nodded, then leapt towards Marx. As soon as he made contact, Marx did the old “ouch hole” thing - you know, the one where he tore himself in half and summoned a black hole. And Marx was screaming, _ horrifically _, the entire time.

Dedede grabbed Gooey to keep him from getting sucked in, while clinging onto the bars himself. “He does this when he gets bored!” he shouted to the now terrified salesman. Once Marx was done, Dedede began to squeeze Gooey through the bars. “Now why don’t you play with this man, Gooey?”

“No! No, please… I’ll tell you what happened to the Star Rod.”

* * *

_ 4:59 PM _

**Big D:** We got good news and bad news.

**Big D:** Good news is that we know where the star rod is.

**Big D:** Bad news is that it’s in multiple locations.

**Kirby:** it got broken again?

**Big D:** Oh, and one more bit of bad news.

**Big D:** This guy works for Nightmare.

**Tiff:** Wait what?

**Tiff:** I thought Kirby got rid of him!

**Kirby:** I thought I killed him!

**Tiff:** …

**Tiff:** You… killed someone?

**Kirby:** i mean, yeah?

**Kirby:** i didn't like doing it, but he was doing bad things

**Kirby:** so... yeah. he's dead.

**Big D:** that's two people who are supposed to be dead who showed up today!

**Suwusie:** At this rate, my dad's going to show up like nothing happened.

**Suwusie:** Ha. Ha ha.

**Tiff:** I... don't know what to say to that other than I'm sorry about your dad?

**Tiff:** Hey speaking of dads...

**Tiff:** Does anyone know a Sir Ebrum?

**Tiff:** Or Lady Like?

**Marx:** those names

**Marx:** perfection

**Tiff:** **@everyone?**

**Kawasaki:** What's happening?

**Tiff:** KAWASAKI!!!

**Kawasaki:** Who are you?

**Tiff:** AAAAAA

**Borb:** Tiff, I knew a Sir Ebrum.

**Borb:** I'll message you privately about him.

**Tiff:** Oh, okay!

* * *

_6:13 PM_

**Tiff:** OKAY SO

**Tiff:** APPARENTLY MY DAD AND MOM DIED BEFORE I WAS BORN HERE

**Tiff:** THAT'S COOL

**Tiff:** THAT'S FINE

**Tiff:** AAAAAAAAAAAAA


	8. The Dark Borb rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiff has a breakdown, gets attacked, and lights a table on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaa i'm so glad you guys are liking this dumb chatfic
> 
> A little girl does get attacked in this chapter, fair warning.
> 
> also, paint washes do break down and smell like absolute ass

_ 7:39 PM _

**Ribbon:** good morning!!!

**Adeleine:** ribbon

**Adeleine:** ribbon i love you but that’s a PM

**Ribbon:** i’ve lost all sense of time!!!

**Ribbon:** COOL!

**Adeleine:** please don’t have a breakdown, i’m already helping tiff through her extistential crisis over here by painting a really stupid picture of dedede

**Tiff:** it’s a good picture

**Tiff:** escargoon sketched it out

**Tiff: @Escargoon** you drew that one part of that cartoon we made, didn’t you?

**Escargoon:** Which part?

**Tiff:** “Have you seen Kirby today your majesty?”

**Escargoon:** HE DON’T SCARE ME NONE

**Escargoon: **I did draw that, because his majesty wanted to be handsome, so I gave him at least one scene.

**Adeleine:** probably NOT a good idea to do a wash painting indoors though, the greens and blues always break down and get RANK

**Adeleine:** wearing a dust mask helps

**Tiff:** But that’s why we’re in the bathroom, and we turned on the fan

**Tiff:** It still smells like the day after Dedede eats a burrito, though.

**Big D:** good to know _ that’s _ a universal constant

**Adeleine:** Damn if this doesn’t produce results, though.

**Adeleine:** Dedede, do you think you’re more of a Pthalo Blue or an Ultramarine Blue?

**Big D:** i have no idea what the difference is

**Adeleine:** one is greener

**Big D:** The greener one then

**Adeleine:** thank you

**Daroach:** Castle is in sight, what are we doing about nightmare my boys and girls?

**Daroach:** I say we try and take him down first 

**Daroach:** He can’t stop all of us, and once he’s out of the picture we go get the pieces of the star rod.

**Tiff:** But that’s not a good idea at all! 

**Tiff:** Kirby needed the Star Rod to defeat Nightmare!

**Big D:** No, I think Daroach is right.

**Big D:** We have quite a few weapons at our disposal, and Kirby’s not doing this alone.

**Tiff:** Well… 

**Tiff: **Do you have any idea where Nightmare is?

**Daroach:** Nope

**Daroach:** Meta Knight is out trying to track him down, I’m here to help with capitalism man in the dungeon.

**Tiff:** Huh?

**Daroach:** He poses no threat physically, but if he gets back to Nightmare he can feed him information. Marx and Dedede already fed him a lie, but I’m thinking we feed him not-sensitive information along with a few more lies to really throw him off.

**Tiff:** That’s underhanded, but clever, I guess.

**Tiff:** I think I’m going to try to sleep.

**Ribbon:** good luck!!!

* * *

Adeleine had decided to walk Tiff to the room she was staying in. 

_ Everything’s so weird… maybe I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream, _ Tiff thought to herself, while rubbing at her eye. She spotted an airship floating over the ocean outside Dedede’s castle, one that looked like it was wearing a top hat. As confusing as it was, this Dream Land sure was pretty… 

Seeing the ocean reminded her of her Kine, and how he’d fallen in love with her. It was silly, especially when _ this _ Kine liked to tell weird jokes that she only understood about half the time.

A blood-curdling scream jarred her from her train of thought. Adeleine stopped for a moment, then raised her paintbrush. “Hold on. Something’s up.”

“Huh?” Tiff followed Adeleine’s gaze until she, too, saw the strange shadow. Short, round, stubby… was that Kirby? No, it was wearing a cape - Meta Knight! “Oh, hey Meta Knight! You came back early -”

“No, Tiff, wait!” Adeleine produced a canvas and plopped it in front of the two, and peered out suspiciously. “... What’s _ he _ doing here? We haven’t seen him since...”

“Wait, if it’s Meta Knight, we can trust him, right?” 

“Depends on which one.” 

“Which one -” The canvas was suddenly slashed in two, and yes, it was Meta Knight, but… something was wrong.

Tiff was pretty sure Meta Knight didn’t have a huge gash in his mask. She was also sure that he didn’t attack little girls for no reason. 

Adeleine screamed and started batting at their attacker with her brush, then looked back. “Tiff, _ RUN _!”

Bewildered, Tiff stumbled, then started running towards where she thought the throne room would be, before something shiny rose before her, and _ oh no _, he was in front of her, raising his sword -

Suddenly, someone was holding her, and she caught sight of a red cape. Tiff looked up to see a giant… mouse? He was wearing a top hat like the airship outside, and in the other hand he clutched a glowing scepter. His yellow eyes were fixed on the strange intruder. “About time you showed up, you mirror bastard… Adeleine! Hold on to me, I’m heading to Kirby!”

“Right!” Adeleine ran over and clung to the mouse’s back, and suddenly they were about ten feet away from Meta Knight, then twenty, then thirty… were they teleporting? The feeling was disorienting, and Tiff started to feel sick, clamping a hand over her mouth so she wouldn’t barf all over her rescuer. 

The mouse felt her gag a little, and he started to fly instead. “Sorry about that, kid. He looked dead set on murdering you, so I’m getting you away from him as fast as I can.”

Tiff blinked up at him. “M-murder?”

“That guy… he’s hard to -”

“Daroach, he’s right behind us!” Adeleine yelled. “I’m gonna try Kracko!”

“No! Stay with us, Adeleine! Think of something to throw Kirby when we get downstairs!”

“Okay!” Adeleine took out a sketchpad and started to paint in it, as Daroach then soared out the window, gaining the attention of something pink…

“K-kirby?” Tiff whispered. But it wasn’t Kirby. It was a girl, who summoned a robot suit from nowhere! If Tuff were here, he’d be over the moon.

Daroach grinned up at her. “Susie, good to see ya! Try and get this guy off our tail!” 

“On it!” A visor flipped down over Susie’s big blue eyes, and she piloted the robot into the window they’d just flown out of. Daroach touched the ground, his toes creating little divots in the dirt, then swerved and shot into another window, crashing through the panes.

Kirby and King Dedede, and that Waddle Dee with the bandana gaped up at them. “Sorry to crash your party, guys, but we got company!” Daroach yelled.

Adeleine held up what looked to be a sword, made out of paint scribbles. “Kirby, catch!” She threw it, and Kirby caught it perfectly, gaining a bright green stocking cap. “Sword Kirby!” Tiff exclaimed, then gasped as Daroach set her down next to the Waddle Dee. 

“B, get Tiff somewhere safe. I’ve got the rest of the Squeak Squad coming in, and I saw Marx farting around on the north tower, so he probably knows something’s going down. Susie’s keeping Dark Meta Knight busy -”

“Wait, _ him _?” The waddle dee squealed. Daroach didn’t have time to answer that, since a large part of the ceiling collapsed (causing Dedede to groan), sending Susie toppling down with the rest of the rubble. 

“Apologies, your majesty. I’ll pay for the damages.” Susie said as she pulled out some sort of gun and aimed it at the hole. Tiff didn’t have time to watch, since B was now tugging her away, out of the throne room and into the hall, where they bumped into Magolor. “Ack - B. Dee, thank god, Taranza’s already gotten Escargoon out. I’ll take the - GET DOWN!” The weird alien pushed Tiff and her escort aside, putting up a big, star-shaped shield, which Dedede’s throne bounced off of. 

“Sorry, Magolor!” That was Marx, the weird jester Tiff had only seen once or twice. Tiff peered in the room to see Kirby dueling the strange intruder as the others fired attacks off, a look of anger on his face. A loud clang rang through the room as Kirby managed to push him towards Dedede, who brought his hammer down…

Dark Meta Knight was sent flying out of the throne room, right at Tiff’s feet. His mask was now cracked all the way through, and the two halves slid off of his face. Wait… was that _ Kirby _ ? He glared up at her. “ _ This isn’t over, child, _” he growled, then covered himself in his cape and disappeared.

* * *

_8:15 PM_

**Tiff:** i have so many questions

**Daroach:** You wanna start on those questions now?

**Tiff:** okay, first

**Tiff:** WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE KIRBY???

**Kirby:** that’s a secret, you can’t tell anyone who’s not in this chat!

**Kirby:** normal meta knight doesn’t like it when people know.

**Tiff:** but

**Tiff:** WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT???

**Kirby:** that’s just what his face looks like!

**Tiff:** Is he like your dad or something?

**Kirby:** uh… hm

**Tiff:** I think i’m dreaming this whole thing, there’s no way meta knight looks like kirby under his mask!

**Daroach:** You’re taking the “I almost got murdered” thing pretty well.

**Tiff:** … I almost got MURDERED

**Tiff:** WHAAAT IS GOING ON

**B.Dee:** Speaking of murder, me and Marx went down to check on the salesman to see if he had anything to do with this.

**Daroach:** Oh shit

**Daroach:** Oh shit??

**Marx:** He’s got at least twelve stab wounds to the chest and is in two pieces, it’s not pretty

**Big D:** Okay so

**Big D:** If DMK is working with Nightmare, which may or may not be a possibility

**Big D:** Nightmare is probably completely willing to have someone murdered, including a _ child _ who has no combat ability to speak of.

**Big D:** What the _fuck_.

**B.Dee:** So do we like, bury the body?

**Borb:** Leave it be, I’ll search his body for anything of interest.

**Borb:** I’m coming back to Dream Land.

**Borb:** I think it’s safer if we’re all together right now.

**Borb:** Besides, I think we’ve just gotten a lead handed to us.

**Suwusie:** Tiff just fainted, I think everything got to her.

**Suwusie:** Adeleine and I are taking her to bed, and after that I’m going to look into cybersec stuff for us.

**Big D:** What’s cybersec?

**Suwusie:** It’s safer if I tell you in person.

* * *

_9:09 PM_

_❤ Welcome to SoosChat 1.0! ❤ _ ** _Big D (Dedede)_ ** _ has imported the chat named “ _ ** _Kirby’s Friends!_ ** _ ”_

** _Big D_ ** _ has given _ ** _Suwusie_ ** _ admin privileges! _

**Big D:** Susie

**Suwusie:** Yes?

**Big D: **You made your own chat app?

**Suwusie:** I started making it shortly after Kirby invited DMK, just in case.

**Suwusie:** This one’s super-secure, so nobody can read it but us.

**Kirby: **susie, that’s so cool!

**Kirby:** i wish dmk wasn’t a jerk, though.

**B.Dee:** Remember, Kirby, we still have no idea why he helped us with void.

**Kirby:** maybe he’s just looking for something to do?

**Borb:** Unfortunately, that something seems to always be destruction or violence.

**Borb:** I’ve been tracking him ever since the void incident.

**Kirby:** but he can’t be all bad, right? He helped us with void!

**Marx:** Kirby, you’re a poor judge of character.

**Marx:** You trusted _ me _, remember?

**Kirby:** …

**Kirby:** marx, i have a question.

**Kirby:** how do you use a phone if you have no hands?

**Marx:** i… 

**Marx: **i don’t know

**B.Dee:** KIRBY

**B.Dee:** YOU BROKE HIM

**B.Dee:** HE’S SITTING HERE STARING AT THE GROUND

* * *

_9:55 AM_

**Gaylien:** hello my fellow heterosexuals how are you

**Gaylien:** whoops wrong chat

**Sword Lesbian:** i'm doing fine my lovely husband

**Gaylien:** pff

**Tiff:** ???

**Gaylien:** tiff no we’re not actually married

**Tiff:** Okay.

**Tiff:** Um, I actually have a question.

**Tiff:** Can I learn magic?

**Tiff:** I want to be able to defend myself.

**Taranza:** Tiff, it’s not easy. You’d be better off finding a magic item or using an ordinary weapon.

**Marx:** or making a wish on a nova, that’s what I did

**Marx:** don't make kirby angry when you do it though, that's a mistake

**Marx:** :)

**Tiff:** what

**Tiff:** what did you do?

**Marx:** :)

**Taranza:** I started learning magic when I was around your age, Tiff, so I suppose it’d be the perfect time to do it?

**Taranza:** We could start you on prestidigitation, maybe.

**Suwusie:** Taranza, this isn’t D&D.

**Taranza:** It is an actual beginner’s spell though!

**Taranza:** Or rather, a small group of beginner’s spells, usually small but practical.

**Taranza:** My first spell was lighting and snuffing out a candle.

**Gaylien:** I unscrewed jar lids.

**Gaylien:** which later in life turned out to be an amazing skill

**Hyness:** i started zan par out on charging batteries

**Taranza:** That’s so stupid. I love it.

**Sword Lesbian:** i warmed up hot pockets

**Tiff:** I think I have an idea of what to try!

**Taranza:** Meet me in the library, then.

* * *

_12:25 PM_

**Tiff:** okay this is hard

**Tiff:** my head hurts :(

**Tiff:** and it doesn’t help that somebody’s DISTRACTING MY TEACHER

**Taranza:** MAGOLOR KEEPS PRESTIDIGITATING KISSES AT ME FROM ACROSS THE ROOM!!!

**Ribbon:** awww!

**Taranza**: It was only cute the first couple of times! I’m trying to do something!

**Gaylien:** i’m like, kiss sniping him

**Gaylien:** he squeaks every time it’s adorable

**Tiff:** … wait

**Tiff:** I might have something that could help!

* * *

_12:30 PM_

**Big D:** okay from now on

**Big D:** NO MAGIC PRACTICE IN THE CASTLE

**Kirby:** why am i flying??

**Gaylien:** SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE TURNING BOOK PAGES

**Taranza:** I DIDN’T KNOW SHE HAD A WARP STAR WITH HER

**Taranza:** OR THAT SHE’D TRY TO USE IT AS A FOCUS

**Taranza:** NEXT THING I KNEW THE TABLE WAS ON FIRE AND A WINDOW WAS BROKEN

**Taranza:** I’M SORRY

**Big D:** MY CASTLE’S ALREADY BUSTED ENOUGH

**Big D:** STOP

**Suwusie:** You think it’s safer for her to just have a gun?

**Suwusie:** I can get her a blaster, I don't think she can set a table on fire with that.

**Borb:** It may be the easiest for her to learn in a short time.

**Taranza:** hey let’s not hand the panicking 9 year old a gun

**Marx:** you talking about yourself or tiff?

**Taranza:** Marx do you want to get blocked again?

**Escargoon:** Tiff with a gun is one of the most terrifying concepts i’ve had to think about.

**Borb:** Anyway, I’ve inspected the body.

**Borb:** My mirror counterpart really wanted this man dead, but I see no useful things on his body other than a partially destroyed cell phone.

**Borb:** I’ll be giving it to Susie to see if she can extract anything.

**Marx:** god watch that anything be nightmare’s nudes or something

**Marx:** you think nightmare sells his nudes on the internet?

**Escargoon:** I change my mind that's more a terrifying concept than tiff with a gun

**Escargoon:** Why would you make me think of that?

**Marx:** sucks for you lmao

**Big D:** lol what would you see anyway

**Big D:** “i sent you my hell vortex answer me”

**Escargoon:** BJKSDJAKF

**Gaylien:** nine year old is now calmed down and agrees that the gun would be better

**Suwusie: **I’m on my way.

* * *

_1:43 PM_

**Gaylien:** hey ** @Queen Ripple**

**Gaylien:** did you know all the halcandrans that showed up at your ball are gay?

**Gaylien: **i added rikka to my friends list and now i’m in a chat called “gay eggs” 

**Queen Ripple:** That wasn’t an accident.

**Queen Ripple:** 90% of Ripple Star’s population consists of lesbians, and you know how your kind tends to react to that sort of thing.

**Sword Lesbian:** ?????

**Sword Lesbian:** ALL THE FAIRIES ARE LESBIANS?

**Sword Lesbian:** HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN A CUTE FAIRY GF

**Queen Ripple:** We’re mostly girls, of course we’re mostly lesbians!

**Queen Ripple:** There’s the occasional trans guy, and he usually gets with all the straight girls.

**Ribbon:** i am an outlier because i’m straight

**Ribbon:** or i guess i’m bi now?? lol

**Sword Lesbian:** also magolor your new friend’s name derives from “painful”

**Sword Lesbian:** it’s got k’s instead of g’s but it def means painful

**Gaylien:** MDLFAKSL

**Gaylien:** why were our ancestors……. Like That…

**Gaylien:** who fucking hurt my great great grandparents 

**Tiff:** Okay first

**Tiff:** What does “trans” mean

**Tiff:** WHY ARE YOU ALL TYPING

**Adeleine:** I got this, I’m right next to her.

**Queen Ripple:** Let us know when you’re done.

**Gaylien:** tiff has had one hell of an adventure these past two days

**Gaylien:** she gets transported to another universe, nearly gets murdered, sets a table on fire, acquires a gun, learns her LGBT’S

**Tiff:** Okay, that was super easy to understand!

**Tiff:** Now what does “fuck” mean?

**Gaylien:** ...

**Queen Ripple:** … Do _ not _ repeat that word.

**Queen Ripple:** It’s a swear word.

**Tiff:** Oh!

**Tiff:** You shouldn’t use that sort of word, Magolor.

**Gaylien:** i really shouldn’t

**Tiff:** I have another question, too.

**Tiff:** I'm actually starting to feel bad that I'm asking so many questions...

**Ribbon:** i mean you're new to this place, so it's only natural that you have so many!

**Tiff:** I guess you're right.

**Tiff:** So, all of Ripple Star is girls, except for the few boys that were born into girl bodies.

**Tiff:** So where do baby fairies come from?

**Tiff:** I know where babies come from normally, so don’t lie to me.

**Queen Ripple:** You’re not going to believe me, but we wish for them.

**Marx:** so what you just call up a nova and go “give baby please?”

**Queen Ripple:** No, we have our own special shrines specifically meant for wishing for children, that have been there long before any fairy can remember.

**Queen Ripple:** They get a few visitors from other places, since the ordinary process is messy and painful. 

**Queen Ripple:** Plus, with the normal way, you have to wait for your baby, and can’t pick the number of babies to have or the number of parents…

**Tiff:** You can have more than two parents with it?

**Queen Ripple:** I have three biological moms!

**Ribbon:** My mom just had me by herself, then met my dad!

**Sword Lesbian:** so wait ribbon did you have to come out as straight?

**Ribbon:** actually my parents were straight, so i asked them why they weren’t two girls first

**Sword Lesbian:** askdjfklsjkdlsf

**Ribbon:** i was the straightest fairy alive until about a week ago, lol

**Queen Ripple:** I’m not sure why Halcandrans haven’t swarmed us and started wishing for kids, though one of the couples I invited did wish for a baby while they were here.

**Gaylien:** that baby is adorable by the way

**Gaylien:** they named her after you ripple

**Queen Ripple:** Aww!

**Gaylien:** anyway, it’s a very stupid reason

**Gaylien:** clan leaders don’t like anyone using outsider magic, mostly because they see it as a threat to their own

**Queen Ripple:** But there’s how many Halcandrans left?

**Gaylien: **last i knew, about 1000, separated into 10 wandering clans

**Gaylien:** none of which live directly on halcandra anymore, but drop by for the occasional visit

**Gaylien:** and at least 12 halcandrans are queer and exiled from their clans, and around 30% of the population can’t have children for various reasons

**Tiff:** Wow, that’s… really freaking stupid.

**Tiff:** “Oh, this could save our race but we don’t waaannna”

**Gaylien:** THAT’S BASICALLY IT

**Marx:** no offence but they deserve to die out if they’re gonna be like that lol

**Gaylien:** honestly, yeah

**Gaylien:** I don’t think we’d be missed we’re a race of big dumbasses

* * *

_2:52 PM_

** _Susie _ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Meta Knight_ ** _ ! _

**Susie:** This potato of a phone took a bit of work, but I’m in.

** _Susie_ ** _ has sent a zip file. _

**Susie:** Lots of messages, a few voice and video calls, but those are mostly corrupted.

**Susie:** I'm also sending you all my notes, but I haven't gone through it all.

**Meta Knight:** Thank you.

**Meta Knight:** I'll get back to you as soon as I've read it all.


	9. Zan admits to yeeting her meat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daroach reveals a secret, the merits of the bottom bunk are discussed, Zan's family roasts her, and Taranza gets a job.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have over 1000 hits on this fic what the FUCK  
i'd do some art to celebrate, but most of my artistic talent is focused on my class. i need to graduate bro
> 
> this chapter does contain a few discussions that may trigger dysphoria, the one at 4:29 am and the one at 12:51 pm in particular (12:51 pm discusses dysphoria-related self-harm, too). However, Daroach's anatomy is accurate to real-life mice (and the only reason i know this is that i dissected a female mouse in freshman year of high school.)
> 
> also i had a friend stay over once and i dropped my pillow on his face from the top bunk.

_ 6:35 PM _

**Escargoon:** *sips rosé ffrom a fast food cup*

**Escargoon:** i gues syou could caAll me a fancy bastard

**Taranza:** I see someone found the king’s wine cellar.

**Taranza:** Are you drinking alone?

**Escargoon:** no the roach is hear

**Big D:** I have wine glasses you know

**Daroach:** He didn’t want to get them out.

**Big D:** Is the capitalism phone file really so bad you want to drink?

**Daroach:** Hey, I’m being responsible, I’m drinking a vitamin water.

**Daroach:** And all you’ve got is sweet wine, which I don’t like.

**Big D:** Well, I agree with Kirby, most alcohol tastes bad.

**Big D:** I only like it if it’s sweet and fruity and I might not realize how drunk I am until i’ve destroyed a wall or two.

**Borb:** …

**Borb:** I may have just realized something about an old foe of mine.

**Taranza:** Which one?

**Borb:** Pink one.

**Taranza:** Susie?

**Taranza:** Are you implying Susie is an alcoholic?

**Borb:** No, someone else.

**Taranza:** If anyone in our friend group is an alcoholic, it’s me.

**Marx:** i’ve seen taranza sip 140 proof rum from a teacup without flinching

**Taranza:** ^^^ I can confirm this. I was there.

**Marx:** it’s kind of terrifying

**Gaylien:** ???

**Gaylien:** when did he do this

**Taranza:** Bonkers and Vividria’s Void afterparty.

**Gaylien:** oh

**Gaylien:** OH THAT’S WHAT YOU WERE DRINKING

**Gaylien:** no wonder Kawasaki was losing it lmao

**Gaylien:** i thought it was because the cup was vividria’s paint water thingy

**Adeleine:** no offense but why would you use a teacup for that

**Adeleine:** use a mug at least

**Adeleine:** or a solo cup

**Gaylien:** i guess you’re right

**Gaylien:** also i’m cleaning my room and found my roller coaster tycoon stuff

**Gaylien:** see you in a few hours

**Taranza:** Noooo

**Taranza:** Clean your room so you’re okay with me entering it.

**Gaylien:** but

**Gaylien:** the merry-go-round music

**Gaylien:** it calls me

**Big D:** wait

**Big D:** is THAT why you’re so good at making amusement parks?

**Gaylien:** …

**Gaylien:** maybe

* * *

_ 4:29 AM _

**Escargoon: @Daroach** why did you let me drink a whole bottle of wine

**Escargoon:** i have a pounding headache now

**Daroach:** I did it so you’d learn the valuable lesson of not drinking a whole bottle of wine on an empty stomach.

**Daroach:** I offered you some doritos but you said you hated them.

**Escargoon:** did i cause trouble?

**Daroach:** I had Taranza pop in a weird art movie because it was probably all you could handle.

**Daroach:** Spoiler alert: it wasn’t. You started crying at the ritual bath part.

**Marx:** i did too, honestly, but out of laughter

**Escargoon:** i cried because kirby came and sat on my lap

**Coo:** I believe that’s what the kids call “valid.”

**Taranza:** “He’s so soft I can’t believe it’s not butter.” 

**Taranza: **I think that’s what you said.

**Borb:** I’VE JUST HAD A BREAKTHROUGH

**Daroach:** oh shit allcaps borb

**Daroach:** whatcha got.

**Marx:** lay it on us

**Borb:** I think, from what I've transcribed from the voice calls, Nightmare has taken up residence on a planet.

**Borb:** One that’s fairly abandoned.

**Borb:** We should write down which planets we know to be desolate, then investigate.

**Daroach:** we go out one by one, or in small groups?

**Daroach: **On separate days?

**Daroach:** That’s one way to case a joint.

**Borb:** Hm. Laying all your secrets out, are we?

**Daroach:** Shiiit

**Borb:** It's a good idea though.

**Marx:** daroach you dumb whore

**Daroach:** Literally only one of those is true about me.

**Marx:** … I’m going to pretend it’s the first one.

**Daroach:** You write ABO and vore fanfics you can handle me breaking out the strap-on now and then

**Marx: **hold up, you own a strap-on?

**Daroach:** Marx

**Daroach:** I’m trans.

**Marx:** wait really?

**Daroach:** I mean it's not that big of a deal.

**Marx: **… huh, you just exude big dick energy

**Daroach:** You saying I can’t be trans and have a big dick?

**Daroach:** I can prove how big each and every one of my dicks are.

**Marx:** no, no, I don’t need a demonstration

**Daroach:** You want my uteri? I got two of them.

**Marx:** you WHAT

**Daroach:** Mice have two uteri.

**Marx:** THIS IS CURSED INFORMATION

**Borb:** Like I said, Daroach is laying out all his secrets tonight.

**Borb:** Though that last one isn’t exactly a secret.

**Marx:** anyway

**Marx:** i write those fanfics because they’re funny

**Marx:** not because they turn me on

**Daroach:** … really now.

**Daroach:** Send me one.

**Marx:** what

**Daroach: **Let me read your shitty fanfic.

**Coo:** Oh.

**Coo:** Oh my god you’re literally doing this?

**Coo:** Send it to me too. I need to provide him emotional support.

**Taranza:** Sir, that’s my emotional support animal friend.

**Coo:** heh

**Coo:** Kine’s read them, he says they’re god awful.

**Marx:** okay i’ll send you all my .txt files

**Marx:** taranza do you want them too

**Taranza:** Oh fuck no.

**Marx:** Escargoon? Meta Knight?

**Escargoon:** i have no idea what you guys are talking about

**Escargoon:** but i’m guessing it’s something sexual

**Daroach:** It’s sexual in the worst kind of way, and it will NOT fix your hangover.

**Escargoon: **Kids?

**Marx:** god fuck no

**Marx:** i’m not that sick

**Escargoon:** Alright, i’m trying to guess what abo stands for…

**Escargoon:** Adult Baby Orgy???

**Daroach:** That’s equally as cursed tbh

**Borb:** I’ve already read your fanfics, Marx.

**Marx: **?????

**Marx:** WHAT

**Borb:** I looked them over to make sure they weren’t about us.

**Borb:** Your Shrek one is… disturbing.

**Marx:** then it’s doing its job

**Taranza:** Anyway.

**Taranza:** I’ve got a boyfriend to go cuddle, and try to avoid nightmares.

**Marx:** you’ve been dating for a week and you’re already sleeping with each other?

**Taranza:** Non-sexually.

**Taranza:** It helps with the bad dreams, somewhat.

**Taranza:** Not that anything really helps right now…

**Taranza:** Also, don’t tell him I told you this, but his snores are cute. ::3

**Marx:** interesting 

**Taranza:** … Shit, you’re the worst person to tell that to.

* * *

_ 10:15 am _

**Gaylien:** so that’s why he wasn’t at breakfast this morning

**Kirby:** oh, i see!

**Tiff:** I hope Escargoon feels better, he sounded absolutely miserable when I went to check on him today.

**Marx:** that might have been my fault but i’m not getting into it

**Marx:** anyway, magolor

**Marx:** taranza says you snore

**Kirby:** he does (OuO)

**Kirby: **back when he first visited Dream Land i caught him snoozin’ on the lor’s console one time

**Gaylien:** dude i know i snore

**Gaylien: **i’m not self-conscious about it 

**Gaylien:** and it’s not like i have sleep apnea or something

**Suwusie:** So, I guess Taranza also knows if you’re a top or a bottom?

**Gaylien: ** JKDVJIAOJDASI SUISIE _ NO _

**Suwusie:** Bunk, that is.

**Marx:** oh obviously magolor sleeps on the bottom bunk

**Marx:** he’d totally let his boyfriend steal the top bunk from him

**Tiff:** Hm, no, he seems like a top person to me.

**Kirby:** i mean, the top bunk is cool and all

**Kirby:** but the bottom bunk makes it easier for you to get midnight snacks!!!

**Suwusie:** Plus, if there’s a ceiling fan you might hit your hand on it or something.

**Tiff:** What kind of things are you doing up there, Susie?

**Suwusie:** If you roll around a lot…

**Tiff:** Good point!

**Tiff:** And if you need to go to the bathroom, you don’t need to climb down a ladder.

**Adeleine:** Also, if you drop something, like your pillow, then you don’t have to climb all the way down to get it

**Suwusie:** Why would you drop a pillow?

**Adeleine:** I dunno, stuff happens.

**Gaylien:** alright so we’ve established that the top bunk sucks

**Gaylien: **bottom’s where it’s at

**Marx:** Haaa, you’re a bottom

**Gaylien:** shut UP

* * *

_ 12:51 pm _

**Marx:** so like, adeleine’s nb, daroach is trans

**Marx:** is there any more trans people in here before I lodge one of my feet firmly in my mouth

**B.Dee:** I mean I guess your shoes look like bread, so it wouldn’t be that much of a problem

**Marx:** they do NOT

**Zan Parvovirus:** Me.

**Marx:** you?

**Zan Parvovirus:** I’m trans.

**Sword Lesbian:** she shot herself in the dick once lol

**Zan Parvovirus:** FLAMBERGE

**Zan Parvovirus:** WHY WOULD YOU TELL MARX THAT

**Zan Parvovirus:** WHY WOULD YOU TELL ANYONE THAT

**Marx:** LOL YOU TRIED TO YEET YOUR MEAT?

**B.Dee:** AAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOO

**Zan Parvovirus:** it’s embarrassing to talk about

**Francisca:** We were just praying one day, and then heard a zap and a scream from the other room

**Francisca:** And now Zan has trouble peeing.

**Marx:** ZAN’S JUST OUT HERE GETTING ROASTED

**Hyness:** i support my girls in all their life choices

**Hyness:** but this was a bad one, we could have found a safer way

**Marx:** YO CHILL

**Marx:** FLAMBERGE IS THE FIRE ONE

**Hyness:** she was bedridden for two weeks

**Marx:** WHY YOU DOING YOUR GIRL LIKE THIS

**Marx:** SHE DOESN’T DESERVE THIS

**Francisca:** “Oh, don’t bother trying to get me the surgery guys, what we’re doing is much more important than removing my useless appendage.”

**Francisca:** and then the VERY NEXT DAY she goes and tries to shoot it off

**Sword Lesbian:** guys stop this is too much

**Sword Lesbian:** Zan i’m so fucking sorry 

**Sword Lesbian:** this isn't okay

**Zan Parvovirus:** I FUCKING 

**B.Dee:** YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN STOP

**Marx:** i mean 

**Marx:** maybe she _ does _ deserve it?

**Marx:** i’m starting to realize I don’t know much about zan

**Marx:** all i really know is that she’s trans and she shoots lightning, and that those two things turned out to be a horrible combination

**Marx:** and she calls magolor an egg but we’ve all done that 

**B.Dee:** i don’t think i’ve done that?

**B.Dee:** like, not even when i first met him

**Marx:** go do it then

**Marx:** right now

**B.Dee:** okay

**Zan Parvovirus:** The less you know about me the better, Marx.

**Marx:** aww, you sure?

**Marx:** maybe we could head out to a mystery planet where some tornado fucker might be hanging out

**Marx:** maybe find him idk

**Marx:** maybe chill out, talk about stuff

**Marx:** gang gang

**Zan Parvovirus:** I suppose you’re not the worst person to be paired up with.

**Zan Parvovirus:** You’re decently strong and presumably, you’re not a fan of Nightmare and won’t join his side.

**Marx:** i fucking hate the dude lol

**Marx:** you don’t roll up to dream land and just hit me with a fucking night terror

**Zan Parvovirus:** Excellent.

**Zan Parvovirus:** Not the night terror thing, the “I hate Nightmare” thing.

**Marx:** alright cool

**Gaylien:** why did B.dee just walk up to me and say “egg”

**Marx:** HE ACTUALLY DID IT WOW

* * *

_ 1:20 PM _

**Tiff:** Man i feel useless

**Tiff:** All I’ve been doing is playing video games with Adeleine today, while you guys are getting your stuff organized.

**Kirby:** i wouldn’t feel too bad about it!

**Kirby:** our dream land is a lot different than yours!

**Tiff:** You’re right, I guess.

**Kirby:** and you’re making sure escargoon’s in good shape after he got sick!

**Tiff: **That too…

**Tiff:** Hm.

**Tiff:** I kind of miss my brother, he’d be all over this sort of thing.

**Tiff:** Finding bad guys, going on big adventures…

**Tiff:** I wish I could tell my family I’m alright.

**Kirby:** tiff?

**Kirby:** do you need me to come cheer you up?

**Tiff:** that’d be nice

**Tiff:** i miss my mom and dad

**Tiff:** and all the cappies

**Tiff:** and even tokkori, annoying as he was

**Escargoon:** and his majesty?

**Tiff:** we’ve got a dedede here

**Tiff:** a better dedede

**Escargoon:** Honestly, I can’t argue with that.

**Escargoon: **Tell you what, I’ll come meet you as well.

**Tiff:** okay

**Tiff:** thanks

* * *

_ 3:02 PM _

**Taranza:** I guess I have a job now.

**Marx:** you didn’t before?

**Taranza:** I’m the royal librarian.

**Taranza:** My job is to organize the books in the castle’s library.

**B.Dee:** Yeah we uh

**B.Dee:** Never put those back in order, even though we said we would

**B.Dee:** Sorry Taranza

**Taranza:** It's fine, it gives me something to do.

**Big D: **I decided that if he’s living here I may as well put him to work.

**Big D:** I don’t know what’s in all the books, I mainly have them because they make me feel smart.

**Tiff:** You need to actually read them to be smart, Dedede.

**Big D:** I know, it’s just that I never really have the time anymore, and when I do get free time I have other stuff I like to do.

**Tiff:** Like what?

**Big D:** playing chess

**Tiff:** You like playing chess?

**Big D:** yeah

**Borb:** He’s pretty good at it too.

**Tiff:** Is it okay if I join you for a game?

**Big D:** You know what, sure

**Big D:** It’ll help me think, maybe.

**Big D:** I’ll get the dees to bring out the board

* * *

_ 10:39 PM _

**Marx:** is our list of planets done?

**Borb:** We’re still putting it together, but I suppose we could start our search soon.

**Borb:** Decide upon groups of two, at most, and we’ll create a schedule.

**Suwusie:** I call dibs on the ocean planet.

**Marx:** you just want a vacation, don’t you

**Suwusie:** No.

**Suwusie:** Well, maybe.

**Daroach:** Damn it, I wanted to go there!

**Marx:** oh there’s treasure there isn’t it

**Marx:** that’s why both of you want to go

**Daroach:** ;3

**Marx:** do not make three mouth at me

**Borb:** As long as you do what you’re actually supposed to do, you may take whatever treasure you find.

**Borb:** Provided, of course, it doesn’t already belong to somebody else.

**Daroach:** I’ll be a good boy

**Marx:** alright **@Zan Parvovirus** pick out a planet to go check out.

**Zan Parvovirus:** Why me?

**Marx:** I figure whatever i pick will make you angry

**Zan Parvovirus:** Alright.

**Escargoon:** I’ll watch over his majesty’s castle.

**Big D:** No need, I’m staying here.

**Escargoon:** Really?

**Big D:** What if he comes back?

**Big D:** What would you do?

**Escargoon:** Tiff has a gun…

**Big D:** Tiff also hasn’t seen too much combat.

**Kirby:** i’m also staying behind, so you don’t have to worry too much, escargoon!

**B.Dee:** I’ll be here, too!

**Adeleine:** And me!

**Kirby:** besides, it’s not like they’re all leaving at once!

**Kirby:** we’ll be fine! (OuO)


	10. Nightmare Ruins Everything (TM)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marx and Zan meet a tetris witch, Magolor and Taranza visit Arrakis, Daroach and Susie fight an octopus, and Nightmare's generally just an asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man  
fight scenes are hard
> 
> also we 10 chapters in boys

_ Monday, 9:42 am _

**Marx:** yo guys check out this little witch me and zan found

**Marx: **

** **

**Marx:** they’re just out here playing puyo-puyo tetris in the woods

**Sword Lesbian:** wow

**Sword Lesbian:** i’ve just seen one picture of them and I want to be their friend already

**Zan Parietal:** They have mugs shaped like little cauldrons, and they served us tea in them. I adore this person.

**Kirby:** what’s their name?

**Marx:** gryll

**Kirby:** that name makes me hungry!

**Borb:** Any sign of Nightmare?

**Marx:** hang on i’ll ask them

**Marx:** Gryll says no but they’ll help us look for him

* * *

_ 10:30 AM _

**Zan Parietal:** i don’t think thath was nojrmal tea

**Marx:** it was

**Zan Parietal:** what wask the blujsea rica

**Marx:** the what

**Zan Parietal:** DLOQWY

**Zan Parietal:** FLOOWER

**Marx:** gryll says the flowers were lavender

**Zan Parietal:** soapahhhhh

**Marx:** you got a mouth full of weird spores, that’s why you’re like this

**Marx:** Gryll told us to avoid that mushroom, but you were like, “nah i can handle this”

**Zan Parietal:** shujnt then hel youra mouthagn

**Zan Parietal:** mothman

**Marx:** just

**Marx:** stay at gryll’s house

**Marx:** don’t bother looking for your drums or your spear, we’ve got them

**Borb:** That’s… hm.

**Marx:** if nightmare came out here it’s for the good ass shrooms and i can’t blame him

**Marx:** zan seems like she’s having a hell of a time just watching the dvd logo bounce around

**Borb:** No sign of Nightmare, though?

**Marx:** None whatsoever, sorry.

**Marx:** i’ll keep looking while waiting for zan to come down

**Borb:** No. Go be Zan’s trip buddy. Get your new friend to help.

**Marx:** but what if he is here?

**Escargoon: **Look around you and tell me what you see.

**Marx:** trees, sunshine

**Marx:** oh my god there was a cute bunny

**Marx:** but yeah this place is mostly a cute little forest where a tetris witch lives

**Escargoon:** Nightmare is most likely not there, otherwise it’d be a hellscape.

**Borb:** Zan needs you Marx, go!

**Marx:** i have to be the responsible one, this sucks

**Marx:** Hey, while i’m thinking about it though

**Marx: @Kirby** Gryll says they know you

**Kirby:** but I don’t know them???

**Escargoon:** It might be a Nightmare monster.

**Escargoon:** If you eat it, everyone forgets you.

**Marx:** that’s fucked up, dude

**Marx:** but they’re not gonna monster out on us, right?

**Escargoon:** Well, I didn’t.

**Escargoon: **Gryll should be fine.

* * *

_ Tuesday, 4:36 pm _

**Taranza:** Why did I let magolor pick the desert planet 

**Taranza:** I hate deserts

**Taranza:** there’s nothing here but sand, and it’s super hot

**Kirby:** could you build sand castles, maybe?

**Taranza:** Not enough moisture.

**Taranza:** We don’t even have an excuse to be here, unless we say “oh we wanted a bit of alone time”

**Taranza:** And even then, why would you go to the desert for _ that? _

**Zan Partition:** at least there’s nothing that’ll make you start hallucinating

**Taranza:** Yeah but you got a cool witch friend to bring back!

**Gryll:** hell yeah they did

**Taranza:** oh?

**Taranza:** OH

**Kirby:** taranza??? Are you okay?

**Gaylien:** WORM

**Gaylien:** BIG WORM

**Zan Partition:** OKAY MAYBE THERE IS SOME SORT OF HALLUCINOGEN THERE

**Marx:** oh worm?

**Taranza:** I READ DUNE I SHOULD HAVE EXPECTED THIS TO HAPPEN

**Gryll:** THE SPICE MUST FLOW, MOTHERFUCKERS! HAHA!

**Zan Partition:** … Guys?

**Zan Partition:** Are you okay?

**Zan Partition:** Taranza, do you copy?

**Marx:** i think they may have been vored

**Gryll:** this is horrible, i’ve barely met these cool wizard boyfriends and they’re already dead and i said goodbye to them with a stupid dune reference

**Gaylien:** we’re good we’re good

**Gaylien:** it almost ate the lor holy shit

**Gaylien: **we can’t land here

**Gaylien:** if we do we’ll get eaten

**Tiff:** You think Nightmare has anything to do with the giant worm?

**Taranza:** I’d say no.

**Taranza:** If anything, the worms are probably why this place is uninhabited

**Taranza:** Ultimately, I’d find this planet useless to inhabit unless the worms have something useful, and it’d probably be too hard to harvest en-masse.

**Taranza:** There might be something beneath the sand, but it seems too loose and dry to dig through easily.

**Tiff:** I guess you’re right.

**Taranza:** I guess we go home now?

**Taranza:** If there’s nothing here.

**Taranza:** Yeah, we’re going home, expect us back soon.

**Gaylien:** No

**Gaylien:** Let’s take the long way home and I’ll try to entertain you.

**Daroach:** YEAH GET SOME

**Kirby:** some what?

**Daroach:** ALONE TIME

* * *

_ 6:09 PM _

** _Susie_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Taranza_ ** _ ! _

**Susie:** Taranza?

**Susie:** It’s been a few hours and you and magolor haven’t sent any messages to me or the main chat, so I’m checking in to see if you’re in danger.

**Taranza:** this is magolor

**Taranza:** taranza’s getting dessert

**Taranza:** i can’t fucking move from the couch and he’s saying he’s going to eat all the donuts on the lor

**Taranza:** he webbed me down, susie

**Taranza:** granted, it was after he told me to stay put so he had a reason to

**Taranza:** i got one hand free and he left his phone here, mine is… somewhere on this ship

**Taranza:** this is gonna be a bitch to clean up, but it was fun

**Susie:** Congrats.

**Taranza:** i like how you went from my romantic rival to my wingwoman

**Taranza:** taking the long way home was your idea and I appreciate it

**Susie:** Well, if I can’t have him, I’ll at LEAST get him laid.

**Taranza:** susie

**Taranza:** we didn’t fuck

**Taranza:** granted, we got to second base, but didn’t get a home run

**Susie:** No fucking way.

**Taranza:** yes way

**Susie:** You have a habit of lying.

**Taranza:** that’s fair

**Taranza:** but we really didn’t have sex

**Taranza:** my v-card is fully unpunched over here

**Susie:** You’re telling me we’re both virgins?

**Taranza:** You’re telling me _ you’re _ a virgin?

**Susie:** … you know

**Susie:** The chicken nugget conversation keeps getting funnier the more we learn about each other.

**Susie:** Anyway, do you know what third base is?

**Taranza:** smashing societal expectations?

**Susie:** … I was going to say oral but your answer is better.

**Taranza:** he’s coming back, i’ll just tell him that you were trying to check in

**Taranza:** at least five other people have sent us “are you alive” messages, so if you can spread the word that’d be great

**Taranza: **Susie?

**Taranza:** SUSIE HE’S GOT THE DONUT BOX I’M SCARED

**Susie:** RELAX HE’S PROBABLY JUST GOING TO FEED YOU DONUTS

**Taranza:** DIAPHPAJAPJF

**Taranza:** This is Taranza.

**Taranza:** I just untied him and shared the donuts with him, he’s fine.

* * *

_ Wednesday, 3:45 pm _

**Daroach:** Hey **@Taranza** do you remember your giant octopus dream?

**Taranza:** Yeah, why?

**Daroach:**

**Taranza:** Oh no, Magolor has to be my boyfriend now.

**Gaylien:** lol why is it on fire

**Marx:** its mouth looks like a butthole

**Daroach:** Sorry we picked this planet, you can’t have your romantic octopus battle now.

**Suwusie:** We’ll be going for a swim, so don’t expect messages from us in the next fifteen minutes or so.

**Tiff:** Wait!

**Tiff:** That’s one of Nightmare’s monsters!

**Escargoon:** Yeah, that’s the one that was eating the mayor’s sheep!

**Daroach:** It’s my nightmare right now, it’s got its butt parked on our treasure

**Tiff:** … Do octopi have butts?

**Daroach:** If it doesn’t it’s about to have one.

**Daroach:** Just so I can kick it.

**Tiff:** Well, good luck I guess.

* * *

_ Thursday, 6:35 AM _

**Suwusie:** Hey **@Marx @B.Dee @Borb**

**Suwusie:** The salesman was 100% dead, right?

**Marx:** oh no

**Borb:** He was dead, yes.

**Suwusie:** Yeah he’s on the same beach as my spaceship, and I think he’s going to try to sell us monsters.

**Marx:** oh no it’s the ghost of capitalism

**Suwusie: **I have an idea.

* * *

_ 9:03 AM _

**Kirby: @Suwusie @Daroach** hello???

**Kirby:** it’s been hours…

**Taranza:** I’m getting ready to investigate.

**B.Dee: @Big D @Borb @Kirby** Unidentified flying object to the east!

**Ribbon:** it’s hostile, it’s burning the countryside!

**Kawasaki:** We’re holding it back the best we can!

**Adeleine:** I’m going out to help, Ribbon!

**Escargoon:** boy this is what we needed huh, some aliens wrecking our stuff

**Tiff:** Wait, are they saucer shaped?

**Kawasaki:** Yes, is that important?

**Tiff:** Escargoon, do you think that’s a Destroya?

**Escargoon:** … Oh shit.

**Escargoon:** RUN

**Escargoon:** YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT THING ON BY YOURSELF

**Ribbon:** EVERYONE PLEASE

**Ribbon:** STAY AT THE CASTLE

**Ribbon:** HE’S HERE

**Ribbon:** NIGHTMARE HIMSELF IS HERE!

**Prince Fluff:** Guys, I found Daroach!

**Prince Fluff:** He’s asleep and Susie’s nowhere to be found, but I got him back to Patch Land!

**Prince Fluff:** Thank me later, you’ve got stuff to do!

**Big D:** GET READY EVERYONE!

* * *

_ 5:34 PM _

**Queen Ripple: @everyone** PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF EVERYTHING ANSWER ME

**Gryll:** that

**Gryll:** was fucked up

**Kirby:** at least i remember you now…

**Kirby: **but he took people

**Kirby:** probably to where he took susie

**Kirby:** and he was invincible, and big

**Coo:** We weren’t able to do a thing, since he put us all into a deep sleep…

**Tiff:** A dreamless one too, so we couldn’t even touch him!

**Daroach:** why does everything feel like pants

**Kirby:** NIGHTMARE ATTACKED

**Kirby:** And you're in patch land!

**Daroach:** Kirby! He got Susie

**Daroach:** I couldn’t do a thing

**Kirby: **Go meet with Prince Fluff, he can send you back to dream land!

**Daroach:** On it. Let the Squad know where I’ll be showing up.

**Francisca:** Magolor and Taranza are both missing.

**Sword Lesbian:** Hyness is screaming about a baby, we don’t know what baby it is

**Zan Partizanne:** The baby is Void. He’s worried that Nightmare will find Void.

**Borb:** Escargoon is gone too.

**Borb: **The king is nowhere to be found, but I remember him charging directly at Nightmare before I was put to sleep.

**Kirby:** it’s okay!

**B.Dee:** i’m okay, and so is ribbon and kawasaki

**B.Dee:** we found dyna blade and she took us to some weird air thing?

**B.Dee:** it’s called the dragoon and we fought off the ufo with it

**B.Dee:** dyna blade put out all the fires 

**B.Dee:** we’re taking the dragoon to the castle

**Kirby:** this sucks!!!!!

**Kirby:** i have to find all my friends now!!!!

**Kirby:** I WANNA SCREAM!!!!

**Kirby: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

** _Suwusie_ ** _ has added _ ** _Nightmare_ ** _ to _ ** _Kirby’s Friends_ ** _ ! _

**Nightmare:** Good Evening.

**Kirby:** NO

** _Kirby_ ** _ has banned _ ** _Nightmare_ ** _ ! _

** _Suwusie_ ** _ has unbanned _ ** _Nightmare_ ** _ ! _

** _Borb _ ** _ has removed _ ** _Suwusie_ ** _ ’s admin privileges! _

** _Suwusie_ ** _ has deleted the chat named _ ** _Kirby’s Friends_ ** _ ! _

* * *

_ 5:48 pm _

** _Nightmare Chat_ **

**Susie:** Okay, deleting the chat was a bit of an over-reaction.

**Susie:** It shut them up though. <3

**Nightmare:** You’ve done well enough.

**Dark Meta Knight:** Fools, the lot of them.

**Dark Meta Knight:** But powerful fools nonetheless.

**Dark Meta Knight:** We need to be rid of them as soon as possible, master.

**Nightmare:** While I’m working on the others, why don’t you tell me what Void is?

**Dark Meta Knight: **I think it’s too powerful, master.

**Dark Meta Knight:** Even for you.

**Nightmare:** Presumptuous.

**Susie:** Void Termina is a dark power, with the potential to destroy the universe.

**Susie:** A god to end all gods.

**Susie:** But I don’t think you need that, sir!

**Susie:** There’s much more accessible things in this dimension.

**Nightmare:** Oh?

**Susie:** Have you heard of galactic novas, sir?

**Nightmare:** Hold that thought, the king got loose and he’s being a pest.

* * *

_ 5:50 PM _

** _Daddyroach_ ** _ has added _ ** _20 people_ ** _ to the chat _ ** _Squeak Squad_ ** _ ! _

**Spinni:** WHAAAAAT ARE YOU DOING

** _Daddyroach_ ** _ has changed the name of the chat to _ ** _NIGHTMARE CAN EAT THE FATTEST PART OF MY ASS SQUAD_ **

**Kirby:** HE STOLE OUR FRIENDS AND I THINK HE’S TURNING THEM EVIL

**Kirby:** AND HE’S SENDING ME CREEPY MESSAGES

**Spinni:** oh shit you just don’t DO that

**Spinni:** I’ll go get storo up and we can go kick nightmare’s teeth in

**Spinni:** if he has teeth

**Spinni:** idk what nightmare looks like

**Daddyroach:** we’ll fix that later.

**Daddyroach:** Get the airship and bring it to the castle. I’ll meet you there with Prince Fluff.

**Daddyroach:** We can’t stay at the castle, so I’m moving us all to the Squeak Squad hideout.

**Spinni:** noooooooo whyyyyy

**Spinni:** no offense boss but most of your friends are goody-two-shoes

**Kirby:** guuuys, nightmare sent me a picture…

**Daddyroach:** post it

**Daddyroach:** wait, no, send it to me first

**Daddyroach:** gotta make sure it’s not nightmare’s hog

**Ribbon:** i’m scared what did he send kirby

**Daddyroach:**

**Ribbon:** that’s just a picture of marx?

**Gryll:** why is he so bad at taking pictures holy shit

**Kirby:** he said “I’ll be sending this one back.”

**Kirby:** oh no

**Kirby:** oH NO

* * *

“Heyyyy, Kirby! What’s hanging?” Marx’s voice was a deep, hellish voice. This was way different from that time with the sun and the moon… Kirby deftly dodged out of the way as a razor-sharp crescent whizzed by his head, and looked up.

Marx’s wings had taken on a devilish red hue, and his tongue lolled out of his mouth. He looked like a vampire, almost, and where did he get that weird necklace? “Aww, what’s the matter, Kirby? Don’tcha wanna play with your pal, Marx?” Marx zoomed past, slashing the puffball across the back and sending him tumbling off the castle wall…

And then Kirby was flying on some sort of machine. “Sorry I’m late, Kirby!” Bandanna Dee yelled over the wind - they were flying FAST. Ribbon handed him a tomato, which he gleefully accepted. 

“Okay, so. That’s what Marx looks like when Nightmare gets to him I guess.” Kirby muttered, then caught sight of a bright light. Tiff was below him, holding an electric lamp she’d clearly torn from the wall, determination in her eyes. She shouted something - he couldn’t hear, and Bandanna Dee changed the course of the Dragoon to pick her up. By the time Tiff was aboard the Dragoon, he could make her words out. “No, wait Kirby! I wanted you to suck this up! I was going to throw it to you and everything!”

“Oh, sorry! I’ll do that now!” He inhaled the lamp, feeling the electricity course through his body - Plasma ability! “Okay, now let’s try to catch up with him! Are you going to be okay Tiff?”

“I don’t think so, but you need to go after Marx, okay? Don’t worry about me.” Tiff gave Kirby an unsure smile. 

“Well, um, hold your gun up.”

“Like this?” Tiff thrust her weapon skyward, and Bandanna Dee held his spear up in a similar fashion.

“Yup!” Kirby sent a small jolt of electricity towards his friends - one he’d probably get from dragging his feet across Dedede’s expensive rugs - giving it shock power. “There, now your attacks will be more powerful!”

“Y-you’re sure I should do this?” Tiff seemed - no, she probably _ was _ unsure.

“You’ll do great, and if you get in trouble, me, B, and Ribbon are here!” Kirby assured her. “Here, I’ll do my static shield!” He began shuffling his feet on the Dragoon, creating a crackling barrier around them. “Okay, now get closer! You guys can probably get a shot in!”

Marx had gone to dive over the ocean, and Bandanna Dee shakily brought the Dragoon down closer - his piloting wasn’t perfect. The jester glanced back at them and giggled, spitting a few ice bombs at the group. They glanced harmlessly off the plasma shield, causing Marx to scowl. “Come oooon, that’s cheating! I don’t -”

Tiff chose that moment to shoot Marx in the mouth. She squeaked as the gun went off, and Marx coughed like he’d stuck his head under the couch and took a deep breath. “Girl!” _ Cough. _ “You got no chill! I -”

Ribbon shot a few crystals at him, using his bewilderment to her advantage. One pierced a wing near the shoulder joint, causing the jester to plummet into the ocean. “Down! Go down!” Kirby yelled, and the group stopped right about where Marx had disappeared into the water.

There was nothing but the sound of waves, and a few bubbles. “Do you think we…” Ribbon didn’t finish her question, afraid of the answer.

Marx answered it for her by ramming into the back of the Dragoon, sending everyone tumbling off. Four splashes rang out, followed by a louder one as Marx chased his prey. _ Crap, this was bad! _ Kirby blinked around through the dark, salty water. He saw Tiff paddling for the surface, while Ribbon reached for Bandanna Dee desperately. He also spotted Marx making his way towards Tiff like some sort of demented circus shark. Not on his watch! He paddled as fast as he could, grabbing onto Marx’s shoe and…

Oops. He pulled it off. And he did _ not _ need to see Marx’s gross sock, eeew. Still, he popped the shoe in his mouth, making sure to stare Marx in the eye as he did so, and started to dive down, distracting this beast. And it worked, Marx was ready to beat him within an inch of his life as Kirby swam as fast as his little limbs could take him, deeper and deeper until… 

_ Whump. _

Kirby felt something limp hit him in the back, and turned to see a now unconscious Marx with a spear jutting out of him. He spat out the nasty shoe, popped it back onto Marx’s foot, and began to drag him to the surface. The weird, vampire-like appearance was starting to fade, leaving behind the Marx everyone was familiar with. That weird necklace even seemed to dissolve away into the ocean.

When Kirby surfaced, the Dragoon was hovering gently above them. Ribbon was helping Tiff up onto it, while Bandanna Dee wrung out his namesake headgear. Kirby threw Marx onto the legendary machine, then hopped up just as Marx opened his eyes. “K...kirby?”

“I’m here, Marx!” He turned towards the castle, where he could see Gryll and the Mage Sisters flying towards them, probably as back up. In the distance, he heard the familiar roar of the Halberd.

Marx nudged Kirby, insistently. “Kirby, it’s… it’s bad… he knows.”

“Knows what?”

“Nightmare knows about Novas.”


	11. Nightmare learns a lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The conclusion of the Nightmare arc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gonna be honest, not too satisfied with this chapter, but that's because i suck at fight scenes so whatever
> 
> Also, i'm just now realizing someone asked for my discord back on chapter 1 dkjakslsdk so it's here: Chimeranyx #6060
> 
> it was magolor's birthday yesterday, happy late birthday magolor

_ 7:26 PM _

** _Nightmare Chat_ **

**Susie: @Marx** check in time! <3

**Marx:** Kirby is now my beach ball!

**Susie:** Okay, good, or else Nightmare would have to punish you.

**Susie:** And you wouldn’t want that, would you?

**Marx:** okay, thanks susie, very cool!

**Marx:** gotta go kick kirby around some more

* * *

_ 7:30 PM _

** _NIGHTMARE CAN EAT THE FATTEST PART OF MY ASS SQUAD_ **

**Marx:** okay um

**Marx:** interesting development

**Kirby:** huh?

**Marx:** i’m still in the nightmare chat

**Marx:** I don’t think nightmare is aware that i am no longer in his employ as of like… an hour ago?

**Marx: @Adeleine** fire up photoshop and make me look evil

**Adeleine:** Easily done.

**Marx:** Kirby we need to do photoshops of me using you as a beach ball

**Kirby:** but we won’t really be fighting, right?

**Marx:** but of course

**Tiff:** it’s cold here and I’m soaked :(

**Daddyroach:** Let me get some towels and my ma’s quilts for you. 

**Tiff:** I mean, you don’t have to…

**Daddyroach:** My ma would have wanted to see them used, instead of hung up in a museum like my sister wanted.

**Marx:** hold the phone, you have a sister?

**Daddyroach:** I have four sisters and three brothers, all of whom dislike me intensely.

**Daddyroach:** Probably because I was ma’s favorite - she was a pirate before she got pregnant with us and settled down, so I take after her I guess.

**Tiff: **You’re a pirate?

**Daddyroach:** I prefer the term “Treasure Hunter”

**Tiff:** But you steal things.

**Daddyroach:** Only from people who don’t deserve them.

**Kirby:** but my cake?

**Daddyroach:** I REPLACED THAT, OKAY?

**Daddyroach:** LIKE, 100 TIMES

**Daddyroach:** EVERY TIME I GO TO THE STORE I BUY YOU A CAKE

**Kirby:** that’s true

* * *

_ 10:25 PM _

**Marx:** alright boys

**Marx:** they bought the photoshops

**Adeleine:** nice

**Marx:** looks like they’re going to the planets i sent kirby to for the star power

**Daddyroach:** How many planets are there?

**Marx:** seven

**Hyness: **i’m going to the divine terminus

**Hyness:** i need to make sure void isn’t summoned

**Hyness:** and i’d like it if the sisters could come with me

**Marx:** here’s the planets: floria, aquarius, skyhigh, hotbeat, cavius, mekkai, and halfmoon

**Marx:** they’re deliberating now

**Marx:** Magolor is… kinda scaring me

**Marx:** it’s like nightmare deleted all his emotions

**Daddyroach:** Oh, geez…

**Marx:** Let me screencap it really quick

**Marx:**

** **

**Marx:** as shitty as nightmare is even he’s like, “fuck”

**Marx:** and i’m not getting into what happened to escargoon

**Tiff:** I have a feeling I know.

**Flamberge:** OH FUCK NO

**Flamberge:** THIS ISN’T OKAY

**Flamberge:** I’M GETTING MY FAKE HUSBAND BACK TO NORMAL AND BACK WITH HIS BOYFRIEND

**Flamberge:** AND NOBODY CAN STOP ME

**Hyness:** do what you must, Flamberge

**Hyness:** may i ask **@Gryll** to assist me in guarding the divine terminus, then?

**Gryll:** me?

**Gryll:** all i can really do is summon blocks…

**Hyness:** that’s actually perfect

**Hyness:** we may be able to build a wall around the divine terminus

**Hyness:** and zan seems to like you

**Marx:** Dedede is staying with Nightmare, and he’s really fucked up

**Marx:** like, he's a kaiju or something

**Marx:** Taranza is going to Floria, Susie is going to Mekkai, Magolor is going to Hotbeat, DMK is going to Halfmoon, and Escargoon is going to aquarius.

**Kirby:** okay, thanks marx!

**Marx:** I volunteered to go to skyhigh to avoid suspicion

**Meta Knight:** Are they all going at the same time?

**Marx:** Yeah

**Marx:** Nobody’s going to Cavius so i guess we just beat them there?

**Daddyroach: **I say we beat them to all of them

**Meta Knight:** Indeed. Decide where you’re going and head there _now_.

**Kirby:** Also, Marx, do you know where nightmare is?

**Marx:** I sure do, he’s on some weird mystery planet where a bunch of tacs hung out

**Spinni:** oh fuck, the kitty committee 

**Spinni:** those guys were dicks

**Kirby:** i’m going there!

**B.Dee:** I’ll go too, for my king!

**Claycia:** Queen Ripple says we can go to Mekkai, guys, so we’ll take care of Susie!

**Meta Knight:** Kirby, Bandanna Dee: You two should wait for the rest of us to give the all-clear.

**Kirby:** yeah, i will

**Kirby:** let’s go!!!!

* * *

Taranza floated towards Floria’s fountain, humming happily to himself. 

He caught his reflection in a stream, and examined himself. He brushed his new golden hair aside, grinning widely. _ She _ ’d be so happy to see him again, he couldn’t wait! His new master was nothing, nothing compared to _ her _ light, and he’d snatch the Nova’s wish all for himself! And since Magolor broke off their relationship, he was free to pursue _ her _ all he wanted! He giggled, maniacally, then crushed a few Bronto Burts diving for his head. Nothing would stand in his way!

Soon, he dove upon the fountain, the glittering star tantalizingly close, and he reached forward…

And it was gone, swiped away by some sort of whip. “Hm? Who’s there?”

“I am!” cried a small voice. Taranza looked down to see a small creature, about the size of Kirby, glaring up at him. He held the power star under one stubby arm, and a little crown, made of foil, sat atop his fuzzy head.

Taranza let loose a cackle. “Ah, I see Kirby’s sent his finest, but…” He drew upon his stores of energy. “... Did he really send someone made of yarn to fight someone who knits?”

“Oh, I’m not alone! Come on guys!”

Taranza heard a meow as he was tackled to the water below, and some tentacles reached up to grab him. He growled, throwing ChuChu and Nago off of his body, then felt a sharp pain pierce his forehead. _ Pitch _! The little bird was pecking at his eyes! “Fools! You think I’m going to go down easy? Think again!” He wrapped Pitch up in a web, tossing him back to his companions. 

He wasn’t going to give up, not when Sectonia was so close!

* * *

_ Slurp. Slurp. _

“Eugh, that’s so gross sounding…” Kine mumbled. Adeleine had painted up a small wagon to carry him in - turns out, he could breathe just fine on land,even if he wasn’t exactly useful in one of the few underwater caves that dotted Aquarius.

“If Nightmare turned him into a monster again… this isn’t going to be pretty.” Tiff warned.

“Again? What do you mean?” Ribbon asked, her wings flitting as she rested on Adeleine’s head.

“Well, it’s… kind of complicated.” Tiff started. “His shell got destroyed once, and Nightmare provided a new one.”

“Yikes…” Adeleine mumbled. “Look alive, guys, we’re almost there.”

They advanced into a dark cave, with some form of dock… and the skeleton of a large whale. A dark figure loomed over it, licking at the bones. “That’s him,” Tiff whispered. “Let’s sneak past and see if we can find the power star before him.”

The others nodded, and started down the dock. Escargoon, or whatever he was now, was focused on the bones in front of him - up until one of the boards beneath them gave a loud creak.

Nobody wanted to move, and so Escargoon moved for them, turning. “Well, well… look who came to stop me.” Two green eyes glared out at the group from beneath a metallic shell. “Listen girlie, there’s something I really hate about you - you never know when to call it quits.”

* * *

Hotbeat was like home to Flamberge.

Navigating the planet’s magma tunnels had been a breeze, and now she waited for whatever her dear friend was now, near the Fountain of Dreams. She’d already claimed the power star as her own (and gave it to Bonkers and Vividria to take off planet), but she really wanted to free Magolor from whatever Nightmare had done to him. She shivered a bit - anticipation? Terror? The fact that the Fountain was downright freezing compared to the rest of the planet? She didn’t want to answer the question.

Finally, a dark shape advanced forward, and a single, red eye regarded her with… disinterest. Flamberge sucked in her breath. No way was this him! This thing was a monster! An abomination! “Magolor?”

It blinked. “That… is this one’s name, yes… and this one remembers you.” It moved closer, inspecting her. “You were this one’s play wife.”

“As far as I’m concerned, we’re still fake married.” Flamberge readied her sword, feeling her fire magic flicker around her.

“This one wonders if its play wife would be happier with this one’s master.” It continued. “Not that this one cares for its play wife.”

“Oh Magolor, you wound me.” She stabbed at the hand on its head, eliciting a screech. “Not as much as I wound you, of course, haha!”

Magolor responded with a blast of heavy energy, plunging Flamberge into the depths of the Fountain. Maybe fighting him here wasn’t the best idea… but she rose out of the water anyway, heating her body to dry herself off. “Listen, Magolor! This _ ISN’T YOU _! You’re not an it! You’re a somebody!”

“This one… is nothing but a tool for its master.”

“YOU’RE ACTING LIKE A FUCKING TOOL!”

* * *

Susie examined the remains of the mechanical beast. A somewhat sophisticated model, shaped like a lobster - not as sophisticated as her Business Suit, of course, but there was probably something here she could work with. She set about picking out pieces of the wreckage, before noticing something odd. 

A blob of paint.

_ How curious, _ she thought. _ Is that silly artist girl, Adeleine here? _She cleared her throat, then looked around, her silver hair flying in her face a bit. “Come out, come out, Adeleine! I know you’re here~”

Sure enough, something approached her. It looked like Adeleine, and she cackled and suited up again, ready to crush the little girl in an instant. The crushing process went swiftly and successfully, but it was without a sound. Confused, Susie inspected her Business Suit’s hand, realizing that it was now dripping… in clay. “That’s… not your medium…”

“Nope! It’s _ ours _.” Susie whirled to face two girls, one small with rainbow hair, the other large with blue. “You ready to have an art attack, Susie?” The little one asked, eliciting a snort from the larger one.

Susie glared. “Bring it on, bitches. I’ll show you_ my _ form of art!”

* * *

The sounds of swordplay echoed throughout Halfmoon, but that didn’t concern Gooey at all. He floated his way through the stellar landscape, humming to himself in his strange voice.

Meta Knight had told him to go to the Fountain and take the shiny star there. Gooey could do that easily, while the knight fought with his doppelganger. 

Well, it’d be easy if he knew where he was going. Marx had told them, before they left, that Halfmoon had a quickly shifting landscape, and that wasn’t one of his jokes. Before he knew it, Gooey was in some sort of glittery cave, and was instantly weary - what if Dark Meta Knight went after him from the reflections? 

He bumped into something that wasn’t there before, and summoned a sack to hide in. Peering out, he realized it was like a window on a computer! Actually, there were a few of them! One of them contained the message, “A magician appears!” and beneath it was a picture of a friendly-looking person!

Gooey smiled his trademark, goofy smile at the picture, but then it dropped out of the frame, and just sat there. Confused, Gooey backed up as it rose back in, then shot a spell at him. Oh, so it was like an RPG game! Gooey liked those, especially the ones with the enemies that looked like him! This would be fun!

* * *

_ 2:45 AM _

**Flamberge:** Magolor is officially unfucked, but seems a bit out of it

**Taranza:** Unharmed?

**Flamberge:** i mean…

**Flamberge:** i did my best, had to call in kawasaki as backup

**Flamberge:** i couldn't just LEAVE him there

**Flamberge:** he’s going to send you a dm

**Taranza:** Thank you, Flamberge.

**Susie:** I’d like to formally apologize for my behavior.

**Daddyroach:** Can it and get to the meet-up point.

**Prince Fluff:** so, does magolor mean that all of us are okay?

**Kirby:** well, most of us

**Kirby:** once you all get here, we’ll attack nightmare and get dedede back!

**Marx:** yo **@Meta Knight** question

**Marx:** can i blast shitty dubstep at nightmare through the halberd’s sound system?

**Susie:** … That gives me an idea.

* * *

_ 3:00 AM _

** _Nightmare Chat_ **

**Nightmare: @Everyone** I’d like a status report.

**Nightmare:** It’s been five minutes, everyone. Where are you?

**Dark Meta Knight:** Bad news, Master.

**Dark Meta Knight:** Our enemy has most likely collected all the power stars themselves.

**Nightmare:** Hm. A terrible development, but I can work with this.

**Nightmare: **Return to me at once.

**Dark Meta Knight:** Understood, Master.

**Nightmare:** I’ll arrange an audience with the king for them.

**Nightmare:** Wait, what's that noise?

* * *

_ 4:47 AM _

** _NIGHTMARE CAN EAT THE FATTEST PART OF MY ASS CHAT_ **

**Dedede:** I’m back, bitches.

**Claycia:** I’m glad i stuck escargoon onto the nova’s face

**Claycia:** it was stupid but it worked

**Marx:** emergency nova summoning worked out I guess

**Dedede:** he’s currently passed out so i put him on a shelf

**Claycia:** ???

**Dedede:** WELL WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???

**Dedede:** SORRY I’M TRYING TO ADJUST FROM BEING A GIANT MONSTER THAT TRIED TO EAT YOU LITERALLY FIVE MINUTES AGO

**Claycia:** it’s fine, i just

**Dedede:** Kirby just flew past me

**Dedede:** are we fighting nightmare now?

**Claycia:** I think so?

**Claycia:** things got weird when you jumped on the battleship 100 feet above you

**Claycia:** we’re all disorganized af rn

**Daddyroach:** I’m heading down.

**Marx:** yo wait

**Tiff:** You might need to go to sleep to do it

**Marx:** yeah that

**Tiff:** and he needs to specifically put you in a dream where he’s present?

**Tiff:** I think?

**Tiff:** It’s not like i could ask him when my kirby fought him.

**Tiff:** like, "yo nightmare, how does one go about defeating you?"

**Dedede:**... shit, how do we do this

**Tiff:** I don’t know.

**Tiff:** We can try sleeping, but I don’t think it’s a 100% thing that will, um.

**Tiff:** what’s the word

**Tiff:** WORK

**Daroach:** Or

**Daroach:** We could try beating on him while awake.

**Susie:** i! want! to take! a nap!

**Daroach:** Then do that.

**Daroach:** Does anyone else want to come beat the shit out of him?

**Magolor:** ill do it

**Daroach:** You sure dude? You’re not doing so hot

**Magolor:** i’m operating on pure anger right now

**Daroach:** I mean, you were mid-panic attack...

**Magolor:** oh that’s worn off i’m 200% mad

**Magolor:** maybe i’ll be too mad to die

**Daroach:** And Taranza?

**Magolor:** not everything i do has to revolve around my boyfriend, who is passed the fuck out currently

**Magolor:** he did a good job, keeping dedede at bay, and now he’s asleep and i aggressively but lovingly tucked him in

**Tiff:** I’ll go down too

**Tiff:** I survived him being close to me before, I can do it again.

**Dedede:** I think i’m legally obligated to go

**Dedede:** And if I’m not? Fuck it, it’s a law now

**Dedede:** FOR DREAM LAND

**Tiff:** … Did he just jump off the Halberd?

**Claycia:** I’ll go catch him!

**Tiff:** WAIT GUYS

**Tiff:** NIGHTMARE’S COMING UP HERE

* * *

Nightmare cackled, watching everyone scatter in front of him. “Fools! Your hero lies sleeping within my fortress!”

Tiff scrambled back, watching as Nightmare charged a dark ball of energy. He slammed it down on the deck, creating a shockwave that threw her back and off the edge of the Halberd’s deck…

_ So this is it, huh? _ She wondered as she fell. _ Maybe when I hit the ground, I’ll wake up back home… _She squeezed her eyes shut, waiting for the impact.

Something jerked her to the side, hard. “You alright, kid?”

Tiff opened one eye, then the other. “... Dedede?”

“Yeah, it’s me. I gotcha.” He grinned, before shifting her under his arm. “Listen, I got a plan. I heard him sayin’ that Kirby’s down in the fortress there. You think we could get to him?”

“Yeah! Let’s do it! But um…” She craned her neck back, trying to see just how the king was flying. “Oh, hey there. Are you Claycia?”

The blue-haired witch nodded. “You must be Tiff.” She started to fly down to earth, into the gaping hole in the fortress.

It was easy to see where Kirby had fought with Nightmare. There was debris everywhere, and the puffball himself was laying still in the middle of the room. “Oh no, Kirby!” Tiff cried, wiggling herself free and running towards Kirby’s prone body. She heard his soft breathing, that was good…

Dedede ran next to her, examining Kirby. “You think we can get his mouth open?”

“Should be easy…” Tiff placed her fingers in Kirby’s mouth and stretched it like a rubber band.

“Alright, here goes!” Dedede shoved all the power stars into the waiting mouth, causing both Tiff and Claycia to shout in alarm. “When did you pick those up?” Claycia asked.

“Well, y’all just left them laying around after the Nova went away. It ain’t like their power goes away after you use ‘em once.”

“I guess not…”

Kirby stirred a bit, then smiled in his sleep. “Oh! I think your idea worked!” Tiff said, then pulled Kirby into her lap. “You can do it, little guy.”

* * *

_ 6:13 AM _

**Flamberge:** so

**Flamberge: @Kirby @Dedede @Tiff @Claycia**

**Flamberge:** did nightmare exploding have to do with you guys?

**Kirby:** He exploded?

**Kirby:** i fought him in my dream with the star ship, but i didn’t think it’d get rid of his real-world body!

**Dedede:** I KNEW IT WOULD WORK

**Claycia:** Tiff fell asleep, do you mind picking us up?

**Meta Knight:** Not at all.

**Elline:** Babe <3 I’m so proud of you!

**Claycia:** but i didn’t really do anything

**Elline:** You caught Dedede!

**Elline:** That’s something <3

**Elline:** Now, when you get back on the Halberd, i’ve got something for you: a big fat kiss!

**Marx: **eeeww, get a room

**Daddyroach:** When Susie wakes up, we’ll talk about maybe getting the old chat back online.

**Spinni:** no they can stay

**Daddyroach:** Oh, now you’re okay with it?

**Spinni:** marx has good memes

**Daddyroach:** Who do you think I stole mine from?

**Marx:** you FIEND

* * *

_ 7:05 AM _

** _Nightmare Chat_ **

**Dark Meta Knight:** Master, I’ve arrived.

**Dark Meta Knight:** Master?

**Dark Meta Knight:** … oh FUCK MY LIFE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nightmare went down like a chump in the anime too


	12. Back to Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to routine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, it's been a bit.
> 
> Pappy Pottey is an actual book from the anime, btw.
> 
> The kind of tea Taranza and Gryll talk about, Pu-Erh, comes in little disk-like cakes.

_ 9:33 AM _

**Dedede:** Ya’ll mind giving me a dream report?

**Gooey: **diiiinoooosauurs! buttheyaaatepeople

**Tiff:** I had one where I flew around with kirby! And then something showed up and attacked us.

**Susie:** My dad was in the sink again.

**Francisca:** Well, that’s weird.

**Francisca:** Hyness was in the sink in mine.

**Tiff:** Hey, come to think of it, my dad was in the sink too! He told me to go have fun.

**Escargoon:** I don’t have a dad, but my mommy was in the sink?

**Adeleine:** my waddle dad was in the sink

**Daddyroach:** Mom in the sink over here.

**Dedede:** okay, so

**Dedede:** parental sink dreams seems to be a recurring theme here

**Ribbon: **i mean, we don’t have all the pieces of the star rod, though that’s on the agenda today

**Dedede:** right, let’s get to it kids

**Taranza:** are we still doing dreams because i had one where sectonia was shoveling spaghetti into my mouth

**Dedede:** what

* * *

_ 12:49 pm _

**Kirby:** Good morning!

**Dedede:** You missed breakfast.

**Kirby:** aww :(

**Dedede:** But you’re awake in time for lunch!

**Kirby:** What really?

**Kirby:** oops

**Tiff:** We’re having tomato soup and grilled cheese!

**Kirby:** sounds good, I’ll be right there!

**Marx:** man, everything feels normal

**Marx:** IDK if that’s good or not

**Meta Knight:** Things aren’t normal, but we’ve got people working on that.

**Taranza:** All the books fell out of the shelves 3::

**Magolor:** Do you need my help?

**Taranza: **I should be fine, my dear, just focus on your piece of the Star Rod.

**Meta Knight:** It should be easy. They're unguarded, for the most part.

**Meta Knight:** Whatever monsters he had guarding the star rod pieces are gone.

**Taranza:** I might put a sleeping web in here, to be honest.

**Escargoon:** It looks like most of the castle is intact, Sire, except for a few windows, and the throne room ceiling. Those should be fairly easy to fix.

**Dedede:** And then we can focus on getting you and Tiff home.

**Escargoon:** … right.

**Susie:** Magolor and I are tossing theories back and forth. We’ll find a way back soon.

**Tiff:** Thanks, Susie.

* * *

_ 1:38 pm _

**Marx:** oh shit dudes i just realized

**Marx:** it’s friday

**Marx:** but since we recently dealt with nightmare i feel like a non-scary movie is in order

**Hyness:** can we watch little shop of horrors again

**Taranza:** I'd like to attend, so no.

**Marx:** well, since this is escargoon, tiff, and gryll's first fear friday i figure they can pick

**Gryll:** taranza's gonna be pissed because im gonna pick little shop

**Hyness:** i’m mean and green

**Gryll:** AND I AM

**Gooey:** shhreeek

**Gryll:** … that works

**Marx:** excuse me gooey you don't look like any of the three i mentioned

**Gooey:** sooome

**Marx:** people call me the space cowboy

**Gooey:** ooohnooomymeeeemes

**Tiff:** what's going on?

**Marx:** pick a movie

**Tiff:** pappy pottey? 

**Escargoon:** Hm?

**Escargoon:** oh i guess i’ll go with pappy pottey too

**Gryll:** people keep saying i look like him lol

**Marx:** which pappy pottey?

**Tiff:** the only one?

**Marx:** tiff there's like nine

**Tiff:** oh WOW

**Gryll:** tbh idk what rowlin was thinking when she named her protagonist “pottey”

**Gryll: **especially in a book for kids

* * *

9:17 pm

**Magolor:** how did my gay ass not know rainbow martinis existed

**Taranza:** You don’t get one. Besides, I’m making you a pot of tea right now.

**Magolor:** YOU’RE NOT MY DAD

**Taranza:** But you call me daddy. :;3

**Magolor:** DJKLAKSLFKFLAKJDF NO I DO _ NOT _

**Daddyroach:** speaking of gay, we should get back to nicknaming so you can go back to being gaylien

**Daddyroach: **and i’m an admin now, so Meta Knight can’t strip me of my current one

** _Meta Knight_ ** _ changed _ ** _Daddyroach_ ** _ ’s name to _ ** _Think Again_ ** _ . _

**Think Again:** OH COME ON

** _Think Again_ ** _ changed his name to _ ** _Daddyroach_ ** _ . _

** _Flamberge_ ** _ changed her name to _ ** _Sword Lesbian_ ** _ . _

** _Magolor _ ** _ changed his name to _ ** _Gaylien_ ** _ . _

** _Meta Knight_ ** _ changed his name to _ ** _Bob_ ** _ . _

** _Bob_ ** _ changed his name to _ ** _Borb_ ** _ . _

**Marx:** borb the builder

**Kine:** CAN WE FIX IT

**Marx:** borb the builder

**Dedede:** D

**Borb:** D

**Marx:** D

**Kine:** we did it

** _Dedede_ ** _ changed his name to _ ** _Big D_ ** _ . _

** _Taranza_ ** _ changed his name to _ ** _Daddy_ ** _ . _

**Gaylien:** DFNASKDFNIADFNAISDFND _ DON’T _

**Gaylien:** TARANZA PLEASE

** _Taranza_ ** _ changed his name back to default. _

**Taranza:** I just wanted to see what noise you’d make :;3

** _Francisca_ ** _ changed her name to _ ** _uwu_ ** _ . _

**Big D:** i am going to punch you all softly

**uwu:** Do it coward uwu

* * *

_ 3:34 AM _

**Marx:** i’m making SOUP

**Coo:** At 3am?

**Marx:** yo what’s a fennel

**Marx:** who cares it’s going in lol

**Coo:** … Whose house are you at?

**uwu:** MARX!!!!!

**uwu:** I WAS GOING TO USE THAT!!!!

**uwu: **I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS

**Marx:** chill

**Marx:** wait OH GOD

**Coo:** Marx?

**Hyness:** why do i hear screaming

**Coo:** Check your kitchen.

**Hyness:** okay i see francisca beating marx with a leek

**Coo:** Well, he stole her fennel I guess?

**Hyness:** Flamberge grabbed him and he just

**Hyness:** calmed down

**Hyness:** i guess he’s sleeping here now

**Hyness:** why is he even here

**Coo:** … I don’t think he has a home.

**Hyness:** i thought he lived at the circus

**Coo: **Oh, someone just yelled from the castle library. I’m going to check it out.

**Hyness:** do you need back up?

**Coo:** I should be fine.

**Hyness:** keep me updated

**Coo:** Just Magolor trying to get Taranza to go to bed.

**Sword Lesbian:** ooohohohoho

**Marx:** heehooohohoho

**Coo:** And Taranza found a stash of worms on strings in a false book.

**Marx:** wait WHAT???

**Marx:** THERE’S BEEN SECRET WORM BOOKS THIS ENTIRE TIME???

**B.Dee:** NOT MY WORMS!!!

**Gaylien:** good luck finding them, they’re our children now

**B.Dee:** oh noooo

* * *

_ 10:45 AM _

**Susie:** So I was like, “Hey, Magolor, I think Taranza left a bit of web on your hood,” and I pulled on it and there was a worm

**B.Dee:** thanks susie!

**Daddyroach:** Hey **@Adeleine** what do you want for your birthday

**Adeleine:** you don’t gotta get me anything, especially after all we just went through

**Daddyroach:** Nonsense.

**Adeleine:** you’ve been asking all month…

**Daddyroach:** And now your birthday’s next week!

**Tiff:** How old will you be turning?

**Adeleine:** twelve

**Adeleine:** but seriously, you don’t need to

**Ribbon:** well, too bad, i already got you something!

**Adeleine:** oh… okay

**Daddyroach:** Do you want a 3ds

**Adeleine:** I already have one.

**Daddyroach:** Oh, okay

**Daddyroach:** I’ve got twenty

**Adeleine:** … why?

**Daddyroach:** It’s a good system.

**Adeleine:** I mean, hm.

**Adeleine:** I guess I could use it to trade pokemon back and forth…

**Tiff:** What’s pokemon?

**Adeleine:** Oh, just a video game

**Tiff:** Huh. My brother would know more about that.

**Kirby:** I’m gonna go pick flowers, does anyone want to come with me?

**Tiff:** Oh, I will!

**Adeleine:** Yeah, I’ll go too.

* * *

_ 12:51 PM _

**Gaylien: ** hey **@Escargoon** come to the library

**Escargoon:** Why

**Gaylien:** just get up here

**Escargoon:** Oooh, how bold. Does your boyfriend know you’re flirting with me?

**Gaylien:** I AM _NOT_

**Gaylien:** IT’S FOR SCIENCE

**Escargoon:** Sounds like an excuse to me!

**Escargoon:** I’m in.

**Susie:** Taranza practically moved into the library now, so trust me, he knows.

**Big D:** i thought i was getting a spider, not a bookworm

**Taranza: **What can I say? I’m dedicated to my job.

**Susie:** He’s even got his electric kettle up here which is, quite frankly, a godsend.

**Susie:** Although I constantly need to use the bathroom now because of all the tea he’s served.

**Susie:** So that sucks.

**Marx:** not if you’re into that

**Susie:** I will disintegrate you.

**Marx:** that's fair

**Taranza:** While we’re on the subject of tea, though, does anyone want this pumpkin pie stuff?

**Taranza:** Frankly, it was disappointing and I don’t feel like getting out cream and sugar every time I have it.

**Gryll:** I’ll give it a go i guess, you want any of my old shit?

**Gryll:** you into pu-erh my dude?

**Taranza:** You mean the stuff that tastes like licking Whispy Woods?

**Gryll:** yeah lmao

**Taranza:** Hand it over.

**Gryll:** alright i’ll get all the tea frisbees and yeet them at you

**Taranza:** LOL TEA FRISBEES

**Taranza:** Ignore the snail man screaming because of Magolor and Susie chasing him

**Gryll:** ????

**Tiff:** Hold on, what???

**Tiff:** what are you doing with Escargoon!

**Taranza:** Something about matter samples.

**Taranza:** wait

**Taranza:** WHY ARE THEY USING SCISSORS

**Big D:** OKAY I’M STEPPIN’ IN

**Escargoon:** I’M FINE

**Escargoon:** THEY TOOK HAIR, I’M FINE

**Escargoon:** oh no now taranza’s mad because i threw a book

**Taranza:** If you need those three, you can find them in the time-out corner.

**Susie:** You can’t keep me contained forever.

**Taranza:** Watch me.

**Susie:** Your threats are less dire when I’m watching you flirt with your boyfriend.

**Susie:** You’re supposed to be punishing him.

**Escargoon:** Oh, he will be punished. Later.

**Big D:** Stop doing hot jail roleplay in my library!!!!

**Escargoon:** well if they weren’t before, they’re certainly doing it now!

**Sword Lesbian:** hot jail rp?

**Sword Lesbian:** can i be the jail lesbian that turns susie gay

**Susie:** What if I like girls already?

**Sword Lesbian:** … are you

**Sword Lesbian:** flirting with me

**Susie:** I could ask you the same thing.

**Sword Lesbian:** i mean i meant it as a joke, but hey if it gets me make outs

**Escargoon:** important: flirting with the warden works to get out, but only if you’re his boyfriend

**Gryll:** hello it is i the drug smuggler

**Gryll:** here to give the warden his secret drugs

**Sword Lesbian: **SUSIE I’M COMING TO MAKE OUT WITH YOU

**Escargoon:** NO, YOU’LL HAVE ME WATCHING

**Kirby:** ????

**Kirby:** why are susie and escargoon in jail???

**Taranza:** It’s not real jail, they’re being overdramatic.

**Kirby:** oh, you're playing! okay!!!

**Daddyroach:** HOLD ON YOU TWO I’M BUSTING YOU OUT

**Sword Lesbian:** can i make out with susie _ after _ she gets out

**Daddyroach:** if she consents to it

**Susie:** I’ll make out with both of you if you get me out.

**Daddyroach:** … 

**Daddyroach:** Deal.

**Marx:** wait why are we making out with susie?

**Escargoon:** Taranza just labeled the corner “gay baby jail”

**Taranza:** COME TRY TO GET THEM OUT 

**Taranza:** I’M READY

**Gaylien:** dedede just walked in and slammed his hammer down

**Gaylien:** court orders they’re free to go

**Sword Lesbian:** awww

**Susie:** My make out offers are still on the table.

**Sword Lesbian:** oh cool


	13. Adeleine's Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adeleine completes a journey around the sun, Dedede gets a weird phone call, and cursed pizzas are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i finished this faster than i expected to
> 
> my own birthday's coming up in like, a couple weeks (do not get me anything). I actually HC adeleine's birthday to be the same as mine (Nov. 27th) because that's the day dream land 3 came out in the US
> 
> note about blade knight in the anime dub: he truly is incomprehensible.

_ 12:00 am _

**Kirby:** HAPPY BIRTHDAY **@Adeleine**!!!

**Adeleine: **what

**Adeleine:** kirby please i just want to sleep

**Kirby:** okay!!!

**Marx:** NO WAIT ADELEINE

**Adeleine:** what

**Marx:** OPEN YOUR WINDOW IT’S SNOWING AND I’M OUTSIDE

**Adeleine:** YOU DUMBASS, YOU KNEW IT WAS GETTING COLDER

**Coo:** Language.

**Adeleine:** IT’S MY BIRTHDAY I’LL SAY WHAT I WANT

**Kirby:** you can stay at my house, marx!

**Marx:** I MIGHT JUST DO THAT

**Marx:** COO HOW ARE YOU NOT FREEZING

**Coo:** I have warm feathers.

**Big D:** he’s lying he’s in the castle

**Adeleine:** yeah screw this goodnight

**Marx:** ADELEIIINE

**Marx:** I’M OUTSIDE LET ME IIIIIN

**Daddyroach:** LEAVE MY KID ALONE YOU CREEP

**Marx:** YOU’RE NOT HER REAL DAD

**Marx:** she let me in and now she’s freaking out over you calling you her kid

**Daddyroach:** … i just did that, didn’t i

**Big D:** you live up to your nickname in a more innocent way, incredible

* * *

_ 7:05 AM _

**Adeleine:** i’ve had four presents shoved in my face already

**Ribbon:** did you like mine though?

**Adeleine:** yeah, it’s perfect for today, thanks

**Susie:** What did she get you?

**Adeleine:** a nice cloak, with a hood on it

**Adeleine:** it’s super warm

**Adeleine:** we’re going to the castle, though i don’t think i have a choice in the matter

**Big D:** I’ve got Kawasaki making a cake, you better show up

**Adeleine:** you better be paying him!!

**Big D:** he’d poison me if i didn’t tbh

**Kirby:** Do you want to play in the snow while we wait for the cake??

**Adeleine:** Sounds good!

**Tiff:** I’ll head out after Taranza finishes my sweater!

* * *

_ 7:46 AM _

**Daddyroach:** oh my god, ribbon, it’s got mouse ears

**Ribbon:** i figured she’d like it better than the cat one!

**Daddyroach:** and it’s red

**Marx:** you broke him lol

**Ribbon:** aaaaaa

**Marx:** you knew about him being adeleine’s dad before we did lol

**Spinni:** we knew before ribbon

**Spinni:** he was in full dad mode around this kid

**Daddyroach:** shhhhh

**Spinni:** you were boss!

**Spinni:** you freaked out when adeleine got a cold once

**Spinni:** which is EXACTLY what you do when one of us gets sick

**Daddyroach:** SSSSHHHHH

**Daddyroach:** SPINNI MY STREET CRED

**Doc:** If your mom spitting eight kids out of herself didn’t hurt her street cred, neither will you adopting a kid.

**Daddyroach:** DOC???

**Daddyroach:** HOW DARE YOU BREAK YOUR SILENCE TO MAKE FUN OF ME

**Doc:** It’s true though

**Doc:** Saying the name “Vicenza” still sends shivers down many a spine

**Big D:** your mom was THAT vicenza?

**Big D:** terror of popopo vicenza?

**Daddyroach:** … Yeah?

**Big D:** she scared the shit out of my dad back in the day, even though we didn’t live near the sea

**Ribbon:** daroach

**Ribbon:** are you actually thinking of adopting adeleine?

**Ribbon:** she hasn’t seen her adoptive parents in a while… i’m worried about them and her...

**Daddyroach:** … 

**Daddyroach:** DM me Ribbon.

**Ribbon:** okay!!!

**Kawasaki:** Dedede, is it alright if I get out the fancy plates?

**Big D:** you mean the bone china?

**Daddyroach:** The ones with the red and gold trim?

**Kawasaki:** yeah those ones!

**Big D**: …

**Kawasaki:** oh

**Big D:** Daroach

**Daddyroach:** They’re right where you left ‘em.

**Big D:** they better be, those belonged to my granny

**Big D:** anyway, go ahead and get them out

**Escargoon:** I’ll do it.

**Taranza:** The crystalware too, sir?

**Big D: **i don’t think we’ll need it, this is a kid’s birthday party

**Big D:** but you can get the tea set part out

**Taranza:** Alright, I’ll help you out, Escargoon.

**Escargoon:** Oh, you don’t need to.

**Taranza:** I have six hands, it’ll be easy.

**Escargoon:** But i’m the king’s servant, not you!

**Big D:** you are?

**Escargoon:** I mean, um

**Tiff:** Escargoon never told you what he did, huh?

**Big D:** i mean i assume he works for the other me?

**Tiff: **He pretty much does everything for the king.

**Escargoon:** Except for running the kingdom.

**Tiff:** Yeah, my dad does that.

**Escargoon:** SHUT UP

**Tiff:** But it’s true!

**Escargoon:** IT’S TRUE BUT YOU SHOULDN’T SAY IT

* * *

_ 12:42 PM _

**Escargoon:** can i just stay in the universe with the good kawasaki

**Escargoon:** these scones are going to make me put on a few pounds, and it’s worth it

**Claycia:** Adeleine seems to like our gift! That’s wonderful.

**Vividria:** sis if you’re leaving now i swear to god

**Claycia:** i’m nooooot, even though we _should_ get back to seventopia soon to make sure everything’s okay

**Claycia:** and it’s not like you’re better, you’ve been chatting with your boyfriend the entire time!

**Adeleine:** she has a boyfriend?

**Vividria:** Bonkers and I have been dating for over two years now??? I thought everyone knew???

**Adeleine:** WHAT

**Vividria:** YOU’VE SEEN HIM KISS ME

**Adeleine:** I THOUGHT YOU WERE SHARING FOOD!

**Borb:** You’ve got to admit he has some funny dicks.

**Vividria:** wh

**Adeleine:** um

**Claycia:** HHHHHHHHHHH

**Borb:** That was a typo.

**Borb:** … And this is the wrong chat. Apologies.

**Gryll:** oh, i see why marx is losing his mind

**Gryll: **you just know he’s screenshotted that

**Borb:** I know.

**Adeleine:** Okay, um.

**Adeleine:** Does anyone want more cake?

**Borb:** I’ll have some.

**Escargoon:** … Huh.

**Borb:** What?

**Escargoon:** Nothing.

* * *

_ 4:52 PM _

**Kirby:** hey escargoon?

**Escargoon:** Hm?

**Kirby:** was there a reason why you were watching Meta Knight the entire time he had cake?

**Marx: **he wanted to see the funny dicks

**Escargoon:** DON’T SAY THAT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS

**Escargoon:** I wanted to see him eat, that’s all.

**Kirby:** he doesn’t like that. i think it makes him nervous.

**Escargoon:** No, kirby you don’t get it.

**Escargoon:** I looked away to get another cup of tea, and when I looked back his slice of cake was gone!

**Kirby:** he saw his chance and took it!!

**Kirby:** don’t stare at him, it’s rude!!

**Escargoon: **alright, alright!

**Adeleine:** oh my god this glow pigment is incredible

**Adeleine:** thanks meta knight!!!

**Borb:** No problem.

**B.Dee:** Hey um

**B.Dee:** The king just got a call… and we can’t understand the person on the other end.

**B.Dee:** I think he’s saying something about sriracha?

**Borb:** Do you need me to investigate?

**B.Dee:** It’d be appreciated, i think.

**Gaylien:** maybe it’s an alien language?

**Gaylien:** i’ll take a listen

**Hyness:** i will too

**B.Dee:** We’ve told the person to wait a bit, it looks like they can understand us!

* * *

“I’m sorry, but I can’t quite make heads or tails of what this guy’s saying. I’ve never heard anything like it!” Magolor shrugged and shook his head. “Maybe it _ is _ just a junk call…”

The voice on the other line sounded distressed, and Meta Knight sighed as he turned to Hyness. “What about you?”

“It’s… certainly not Jamba.” The priest hung his head. “And it’s nothing the ancients spoke, either.”

Dedede groaned and slumped in his throne. “I don’t wanna hang up… what if it’s something important? Like, one of my citizens could be having a stroke or somethin’…”

Bandanna Dee patted his king’s hand. “It’s okay sir, I bet Susie could track the call.”

“Yeah, but she’s busy enough tryin’ to get Tiff and Escargoon back home. She went right back at it after the party...” Dedede rubbed his forehead. The strange voice perked up at the mention of Tiff, and actually pronounced her name. “Hey, you know her?” More gibberish. “I’ll send someone to get her, okay? B, Tiff’s upstairs playing with Adeleine and Kirby, I think. Can you go get her?”

“Yes sir!” Bandanna Dee went to open the door, only to bump into Escargoon. “Oop! Pardon me!”

“Hey, watch it!” The snail cried. “I’ve got the king’s snack here!” Indeed, he was carrying a tray full of cookies.

The gibberish increased in volume, and Escargoon’s name could be picked out from the mish-mash of syllables. Escargoon paused, then quietly handed the tray off to Bandanna Dee. “Blade? Is that you?” The voice sounded overjoyed, in a weirdly hesitant way. “It _ is _ you! Oh, you wouldn’t believe what I - what we’ve been through!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on Escargoon, you can understand him?” Dedede asked, straightening himself out a bit.

“Blade’s accent is as thick as his armor, but he’s not that hard to understand, right?” Escargoon flashed a grin, which slowly faded as he realized that no, they really _ couldn’t _ understand Meta Knight’s loyal servant. “I mean… after you’ve known him for a couple years… oh forget it. Blade, can you get Meta Knight on the phone?”

“Escargoon, he’s right here…” Dedede reminded him.

“I mean the one from my universe, Sire.” 

Blade responded with what sounded like an affirmative, and there was silence for a few moments. Awkwardly, Bandanna Dee approached the king and handed him the cookie tray. Suddenly, a heavily accented voice - though not as heavily accented as Blade’s - emanated from the phone. “Hello. This is Meta Knight. My servant, Blade, tells me that he’s made contact with Escargoon.”

“That’s right! Here I am, ta-da!” Escargoon yelled into the phone, and Dedede winced and took it gently from him, setting it on a side table nearby. “Oh, sorry Sire.”

“Sire? Is there a Dedede where you are?”

“Yeah, that would be me.” Dedede puffed out his chest, though the other Meta Knight couldn’t see him. “King of Dream Land, at your service. Your guy’s been talkin’ to a few of my people, and me.” He ignored Magolor exclaiming “I’m his people!” to Bandanna Dee. “I’ve been letting Escargoon and Tiff stay at my castle.”

“Thank you, your majesty.” There was a pause, with a familiar-sounding “poyo” in the background. “May I speak to Tiff as well?”

“Oh, right. Bandanna Dee! Go get her, boy!” Dedede snapped his fingers, causing the dee to scramble a bit.

“Right! Sorry sir!” The waddle dee ran as fast as his little feet could carry him.

“In the meantime, Escargoon,” the other Meta Knight continued. “I’ll send for Tiff’s family, and your mother.”

“My Momma?” Escargoon blinked a couple times, as Dedede began to distribute the cookies. “But she lives all the way out in the country!” 

“Yes, but I called her to see if she knew of your whereabouts. She came to the castle to assist in our search.”

“But she’s just an old woman! My momma’s amazing, but she can’t do everything!” The snail began to pace a bit.

“Escargoon, she is good at keeping morale high, and has been assisting Lady Like.”

“Huh? What’s wrong with my mom?” Tiff asked as she walked in, with Kirby close at her heels. There was a louder, overjoyed “poyo!” now. “Oh! Hey Kirby! You miss me buddy?”

“Poyo~! Poyo!”

“Whoa, is that the other me?” Kirby asked, perching upon Dedede’s lap and happily accepting a cookie. “Hey little guy! Tiff’s told me so much about you!”

“Poyo?”

“Your Kirby can speak?” asked the other Meta Knight.

“I sure can!” Kirby replied, before cramming the entire cookie into his mouth. “Tiff and Escargoon were surprised too, so don’t worry too much about it, okay? I think you should tell Tiff about her mom.”

“Well… it is a rather personal issue.” The shifting of armor could be heard. “Tiff, your mother hasn’t been feeling well. However, it isn’t a serious illness, and she should feel better soon.”

“Oh, that’s terrible! Do you think that, um… that it’s because of me?” Tiff hugged herself, looking down. Dedede scooped her up and placed her on his lap as well, giving her a reassuring smile. It was getting crowded on the throne.

“In part, yes. Having a missing child is no easy matter. But… I am certain hearing your voice will make her feel better.” There was another “poyo!” as a little boy’s voice could be heard, asking about his sister. “Your families are here now. You should speak to them.”

“Okay, thanks Meta Knight!”

A lengthy, overjoyed conversation soon filled the throne room. Dedede hadn’t seen either of his ...visitors? He guessed they were visitors... this overjoyed since they got here, except for when Nightmare had been destroyed. He smiled to himself, patting Kirby on the head as the little orb grabbed another cookie.

Soon, however, the conversation turned to how to return the two back home. “I’ve been working with a close friend of mine,” Magolor explained. “She’s got some experience with interdimensional travel, as do I. In fact, I’d say that you calling us helped immensely, since we had no idea where these two popped in from, and well, Nightmare wouldn’t help with that.”

“And who might you be?” the other Meta Knight asked. “I do not think that we have been introduced.”

“Oh, that’s Magolor! He’s... an alien wizard, I think.” Tiff rubbed her chin. 

“An alien wizard? Awesome!” Tuff - Tiff’s little brother - exclaimed. “What’s he look like?”

“Well, he’s kind of like an egg - whoa!”

“Heeeey, I’ll see about getting video chat going so that you can see me _ and _ your sister, alright?” Magolor interrupted, eliciting a glare from Tiff. “Or, I could find a way to send pictures!”

“Whoa, really? That’d be great, thanks Magolor!” A sudden crash sounded through the phone. “Uh oh, I think that’s -”

“WHAT ARE Y’ALL DOIN’ IN HERE? Y’ALL THROWIN’ A PARTY WITHOUT ME?” Dedede sat up straight, sending Kirby and Tiff toppling to the floor as Escargoon flinched away from the phone. _ Was that who he thought it was? _

Quickly, Escargoon cleared his throat. “S-sire, it’s me, Escargoon! Me and Tiff!”

“Is that Escargoon? What’s he doin’ in that doohickey?” It sounded like people were being shoved out of the way. “Heeey! Ain’t this part of my monster teleportizer?”

“Yes, sir, but do not touch it!” The other Meta Knight’s voice sounded muffled.

“Huh? Why not?” They could hear someone whisper. “Oooh, I get it. Right! Can’t let my handsome mug get mugged!"

Dedede grinned, despite himself. “Are you the other Dedede? Escargoon and Tiff bring you up now and then.”

Dead silence. “Th-there’s anotha one of me?”

“You’d best believe it! There’s another Kirby and Meta Knight too!” Dedede reached down to help Tiff to her feet.

“T-two Kirbies? You’re pullin’ my leg!”

“Nope! I’m here, hi!” Kirby said, crawling back up on Dedede’s lap again.

“Naw, you ain’t Kirby! Kirby don’t talk!”

“Oh, um…” Kirby thought for a second. “Poyo?”

The other Dedede yelled something incomprehensible. “Wh-what about Meta Knight?”

“Hello.” Meta Knight - theirs, not the other one - stepped forward. “I may not have the accent of my counterpart, but I can assure you that I’m here as well.” 

“Whoa… so is there another Escargoon too?” The other Dedede asked. “How ‘bout another Sir Ebrum?”

“Well, yes, but -”

“Are they better at their jobs?”

Meta Knight cleared his throat. “No.”

“Huh? Why not?”

“Because they’re dead.”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room. “A-ah… I see. Uhhh… so when’s Escargoon and the girlie gonna come back home?”

“Well, hopefully soon, Sire. I don’t know exactly when, but Tiff and I are supporting the two working on it the best we can, okay?” Escargoon seemed to be a nervous wreck, tugging gently at his beard.

“Alright. You come back soon as you can, you hear?”

“Yes, your majesty.”

“Alright. I’ll be waitin’. Y’all have fun down here, I’m gonna do some, uh, kingly things. Later!” The call suddenly ended.

“Um, did he just hang up on us?” Tiff asked, completely dumbfounded.

* * *

_ 6:27 PM _

**Adeleine:** yeah, it sucks the king hung up on you

**Adeleine:** but you’ve got pizza

**Adeleine:** does he have pizza?

**Tiff:** Probably not, our Kawasaki can’t make it very well…

**Adeleine:** See, you’re in a better spot than him.

**Tiff:** Hey, is Kawasaki getting a pizza too? I know he's making all of them, but...

**Kawasaki:** mine’s in the oven right now!

**B.Dee:** a custom pizza party is an amazing idea, adeleine!

**Adeleine:** Thanks! Kawasaki asked me for dinner ideas, and i wanted to include everyone!

**Adeleine:** even though you guys are now making cursed pizzas

**Vividria:** don’t shame my boyfriend’s banana pizza!!!!

**Vividria:** shame taranza’s bbq cricket pizza instead!!

**Marx:** that one’s good though, he let me try some

**Vividria:** gross

**Marx:** love the cronch

**Gaylien: **i tried it too, but i’m not a fan of barbeque sauce

**Escargoon:** What about the corn pizza I saw?

**B.Dee:** it’s good, screw you!

**Rick:** some of us like corn, alright?

**Escargoon:** Meta Knight’s dessert pizza?

**Tiff:** Admit it, you’d eat it.

**Escargoon:** Okay, fine, Gooey’s pizza.

**Escargoon:** I don’t know what’s on it, but the sauce is jet black.

**B.Dee:** … okay it’s cursed, but he’s eating it so

**Kawasaki:** it’s squid ink sauce

**Gaylien:** marx made a none pizza with left beef, which is incredible

**Marx:** tastes bland though

**Marx:** i want a pineapple one

**Kawasaki:** … just pineapple?

**Marx:** yes

**Kawasaki:** I can spread raspberry jam on the crust and dust the thing with sugar.

**Kawasaki:** crushed pineapple “cheese”

**Kawasaki:** maybe add strawberry slices as “pepperoni”

**Adeleine:** oh damn that sounds amazing

**Ribbon:** it really does

**Marx:** birthday kid’s right, i want that instead

**Kawasaki:** i’ll go ahead and make two of them

**Adeleine:** wait, hold on, dedede and daroach are pulling me aside

**Marx:** ooooOOOOOOOOOH ADELEINE’S IN TROOOOUBLLLLE

**Ribbon:** NO!

**Gaylien:** what’s going on?

**Tiff:** I don’t know.

**Tiff:** Also, you put a slice of pizza on your notebook.

**Gaylien:** OH CRAP

**Gaylien:** THANKS, I GOT IT BEFORE IT STAINED EVERYTHING

**Tiff:** No problem!

**Adeleine:** i’m adopted

**Marx:** we know

**Adeleine:** i just got adopted again

**Ribbon:** !!!!!!!!!!!

**Kirby:** (*o*)

**Spinni:** YO **@Doc @Storo**

**Spinni:** HE WENT AND DID IT

**Spinni:** BOSS IS A DAD

**Storo:** cool


	14. You better get it with a child back guarantee!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiff and Escargoon return home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo it's my birthday tomorrow. Perfect time to post a whump chapter.
> 
> This chapter contains depictions of abuse.

_ 4:52 PM _

**Susie: @Gaylien** Progress report time.

**Gaylien:** can’t do big brain stuff, i’m making dinner right now

**Susie:** Ah. 

**Gaylien:** i can make more if you’re hungry

**Susie:** What are you making?

**Gaylien:** stir-fry noodles

**Susie:** Just noodles?

**Gaylien:** it’s quick and easy

**Gaylien:** and i have a ton laying around

**Susie:** … Is it that instant stuff?

**Gaylien:** yeah, you got me

**Susie:** How nostalgic.

**Gaylien:** you’re weird lol

**Susie:** So are you.

**Tiff:** Ew, why are you eating that crap?

**Gaylien:** i just told susie why

**Gaylien:** it’s basically all i have on my ship, and i’m hungry and don’t want to bother taranza into making me food

**Gaylien:** and last i checked, you’re way too young to be my mom

**Tiff:** Well, what else do you have?

**Gaylien:** i have a ton of hot dogs, but here’s the problem

**Gaylien:** the noodles are cooked, tiff, and i’m not wasting food

**Tiff:** Okay, fine.

**Kirby:** just eat hot dogs and noodles!

**Gaylien:** wonderful idea

**Gaylien:** i hope you’re ready for noods and weiners, susie

**Susie:** That just sounds like a decent night of catfishing.

**Marx:** how come you have a ton of hot dogs my dude

**Gaylien:** i like ‘em and i eat em cold sometimes

**Marx:** there’s… a lot of jokes to make there dude

**Taranza:** That explains why your mouth tastes like hot dogs sometimes ::/

**Taranza:** I wasn’t going to comment because it seemed rude.

**Gaylien:** oh my god please don’t break up with me over my love of hot dogs

* * *

_ 11:39 PM _

**Susie: @Tiff @Escargoon**

**Susie:** good news and bad news

**Escargoon:** oh no

**Escargoon:** Tiff’s asleep but I’ll take a message for her.

**Susie:** we made it through to your universe and sent something

**Escargoon:** Oh, what did you send?

**Susie:** …

**Gaylien:** hot daaaawg

**Escargoon:** oh _ no _

**Big D:** yo why did the other meta knight call me about random hot dogs flying in through a portal

**Big D:** … ah

**Escargoon:** I’m coming to the throne room so I can talk with him, Sire.

**Big D:** i’m in my bedroom

**Escargoon:** Oh.

**Big D:** you can come in it’s not like i’m naked

**Big D:** good news, other me is pleased with the interdimensional hot dog delivery

**Taranza:** Bad news, catnip gets Magolor high.

**Susie:** That was my bad news.

**Susie:** I’m impressed that he managed the calculations while off his shit.

**Gaylien:** i'm not high

**Taranza:** You held susie’s hand and thought it was mine.

**Gaylien:** oh

**Nago:** yo where’d he get catnip

**Taranza:** I gave it to him.

**Gryll:** … oh shit you tried it in tea didn’t you? LMAO

**Taranza:** It’s not to my tastes, honestly, but thanks for the suggestion.

**Taranza:** Anyway, Magolor keeps throwing hot dogs through the small portal he and susie opened up.

**Taranza:** He’s getting an absolute kick out of it.

**Taranza:** AAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Escargoon:** WHAT DID HE DO

**Escargoon:** WHY IS HIS HIGHNESS SCREAMING

**Susie:** HAND

**Nago:** ????

**Susie:** HE THREW TARANZA’S HAND THROUGH

**Nago:** NOOOOOOOOO OMG

**Gryll:** i feel partially responsible for this

**Taranza:** THIS FEELS WEIRD

**Gryll:** … can you move it?

**Taranza:** I

**Taranza:** I can

**Taranza: **I think I’m making it crawl across the floor, is it doing that?

**Escargoon:** To quote his majesty, “IT’S THE HAND FROM THE FREAKY FAMILY SHOW”

**Escargoon:** His majesty is making a deal.

**Escargoon:** Me for your hand.

**Taranza:** My hand… in marriage?

**Escargoon:** no

**Taranza:** This may be my minor sleep deprivation talking, but.

**Taranza:** What if we _ pretended _ to interpret it that way?

**Taranza:** It might be funny.

**Escargoon:** please don’t

**Gaylien:** darling nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

**Taranza:** We could still get married at some point, Magolor. I won’t let him ruin me.

**Gaylien:** okay

**Marx:** are we doing fake wedding shit _ again _

**Escargoon:** Again?

**Rick:** hopefully a real wedding is coming if my proposal goes well

**Marx:** OH?????

**Nago:** RICK??????

**Nago:** WHEN ARE YOU PLANNING ON DOING IT???????

**Coo:** Don’t put Pick on the spot with a Christmas proposal.

**Rick:** Not planning on christmas, just...

**Rick:** Sometime in the next month, maybe?

**Susie:** A new years one might be fun.

**Susie:** Be all romantic and say, “My new year’s resolution is to love you as much as possible!” and then propose.

**Rick:** Susie, that’s a wonderful idea

**Marx:** shit i wanna marry susie now

**Susie:** No shitty jesters are allowed to marry me.

**Marx:** what, did your dad make that rule

**Susie:** …

**Gaylien:** ruhroh

**Marx:** oh shit

**Marx:** i am

**Marx:** SO SORRY

**Gaylien:** CHANGING THE SUBJECT CHANGING THE SUBJEEEEEEEEEEECT

**Gaylien:** i’m bribing the other dedede for my boyfriend’s hand

**Escargoon:** With apples made of gemstones?

**Gaylien:** gem abple yeah

**Big D:** if you explode those you stupid egg fuck i swear i will dededestroy you

**Gaylien:** in what way

**Big D:** what

**Big D:** what do you even mean by that

**Taranza:** Y’all I just got slapped by my own hand.

**Escargoon:** Slapped so hard you used the word “y’all.”

**Taranza:** Anyway, Rick

**Taranza:** Whatever you do, DON’T GET YOUR GIRLFRIEND A MAGIC MIRROR AS YOUR PROPOSAL GIFT

**Taranza:** IT MIGHT BE CURSED

**Big D:** Hold up, you mean… _she_ was your fiance?

**Taranza:** I thought it was obvious.

**Taranza:** My search for the lower world’s hero was her nuptial challenge.

**Rick:** Nuptial challenge?

**Taranza:** Do you guys not have those?

**Rick:** No...?

**Taranza:** I

**Taranza:** huh

* * *

_ 9:18 am _

**Tiff:** So we can really head back?

**Escargoon:** As soon as Magolor wakes up and gets his coffee, yeah.

**Tiff:** Hm.

**Escargoon:** What’s up?

**Tiff:** I’m going to miss everyone, that’s all.

**Kirby:** you’ll still have your phone, and we can come visit any time!

**Tiff:** I guess so…

**Gaylien:** we should forewarn the other universe so they don’t shoot us down or something

**Gaylien:** i don’t need to get trapped in another dimension _ again _

**Escargoon:** Again?

**Kirby:** good morning, magolor! 

**Gaylien:** oh, good morning

**Gaylien:** anyway we don’t need to cover my edgy backstory

**Big D:** can we talk about how it’s like, a theme with the lgbt people in our friend group to get trapped in another dimension

**Taranza:** LGBT makes up a large portion of us, though…

**Big D:** … true

**Susie:** … Oh. Oh my god.

**Susie:** Me, Magolor, Escargoon…

**Daddyroach:** this does not bode well for me

**Sword Lesbian:** does searching for your weird dad in another dimension count because that’s me, francisca, and zan down

**Big D:** Francisca?

**uwu:** i like girls uwu

**Susie: @Hyness** are you… you know

**Hyness:** gay?

**Hyness:** i don’t know

**Marx:** bruh how do you not know

**Hyness:** i’ve never really had time for that

**Gaylien:** ah my coffee is here

**Gaylien:** … taranza seems kinda mad… did i do something stupid last night?

**Big D:** You don’t remember?

**Gaylien:** no?

**Big D:** Scroll up.

**Gaylien:** oh

**Gaylien:** oh no

**Tiff:** Hey, do you guys wanna meet my family?

**Big D:** I was already planning on coming with you, Tiff.

**Big D:** I wanna get a look at the other me.

**Kirby:** me too!!!

**Borb:** As do I.

**B.Dee:** I just wanna go because it sounds neat.

* * *

Tuff picked at the sandwich his mom made him. Man, how was he supposed to eat when his sister could be back at any time? Of course, it was also kinda weird eating on the castle roof with everyone who was waiting. He sighed, and handed the sandwich off to Kirby, who had been staring at him expectantly. “Here, you can have this.”

“Poyo!” Kirby shoved the whole thing in his mouth. A jingling noise echoed throughout the roof, and Tuff turned to see Dedede, walking out while wearing that stupid crown he only brought out on what he called “state occasionallies”, and all sorts of ugly jewelry. Honestly, who was he trying to impress? Tuff also spotted his mom look a little green and press her fan over her mouth - she’d been throwing up a lot lately, but Tuff guessed that seeing Dedede would make anyone want to hurl. His dad reached over and rubbed her back, and she gave him a soft smile. 

There was a quiet crackling noise, and suddenly, a star-shaped rift appeared in the air. The small group gasped, and Tuff could see Meta Knight’s cape shift a bit - reaching for his sword, just in case, probably. A brilliant blue and white sailing ship emerged from it, landing gently on the roof below. Dedede moved forward, pushing everyone aside. “Outta my way y’all, I’m gonna see Escargoon and ‘em first! Bweh-heh-heh-heh!”

“Hello!” shouted someone from the ship, and Tuff looked up to spot a Waddle Dee, clad in a blue bandana, waving at them from the prow. “Permission to disembark, King?”

Dedede looked dumbstruck, and to be honest, Tuff couldn’t blame him. Who’d ever seen a Waddle Dee _talk_? He glanced at Meta Knight and Tuff’s dad, who gave silent nods of approval. “Uhh… sure you can!”

The Waddle Dee produced a spear, spinning it above his head like a baton. He leapt off the prow, floating gently down in front of the waiting group, then bowing to the king. “Greetings, your majesty. I’m Bandana Waddle Dee, but all my friends call me Bandana Dee! Forgive our King’s lateness, but we’re making sure we can get back to our Dream Land as soon as possible.”

“Oh, that’s a shame.” Escargoon’s mother slid forward. “From what Junior told me, you all seem like very wonderful people.” She produced a small bundle from her purse, handing it to the Waddle Dee. “Here, have some cookies, dear.”

“Oh! Thank you ma’am!” Bandana Dee closed his eyes and nodded, something Tiff had guessed was the Waddle Dee version of a smile. “It’s not that we don’t want to visit, it’s just that the last time we all left Dream Land, something terrible happened, and we could have prevented it had we been there.”

“Have you left Dream Land unguarded now?” Meta Knight asked, concern clear in his voice.

“Oh, no sir, a few of us stayed behind. They’re stationed around Dream Land now.” A hatch on the side of the ship hissed, then began to slide open. Bandana Dee ushered the group aside, as a familiar figure stepped down the ramp. Whoa, another Meta Knight! This one was wearing a bit more armor, and a little bracelet made of beads on his right arm. He paused, then stepped to the side. “It’s all clear, sir.”

_ Oh great, another Dedede? _ Tuff thought, but as the new one descended the ramp, his thoughts were interrupted by an overjoyed “Poyo!”

“Huh? What’s up Kirby - hey!” Before he could figure out what Kirby was so excited about, the little star warrior had already begun dashing up the ramp, and immediately, Tuff saw what all the fuss was about.

“Kirby! It’s so good to see you again!” Tiff was there, giving Kirby a great big hug. The new Dedede smiled down at her, holding a hand behind her so she didn’t fall. Tuff felt his eyes began to water as Tiff's eyes fell on her family, and she grinned widely. “Mom! Dad! Tuff!” She gently placed Kirby aside and ran towards her family, who swept her all into a long, tight hug. “I missed you guys so much…”

“Aww, we missed you too, Tiff.” Tuff said, squeezed between his dad and his sister. “Life just wasn’t the same without you around.” Kirby started to worm his way into the hug, and Tuff moved aside to let him - he was like a part of the family, after all.

“Your Majesty!” Tuff looked up to watch Escargoon running down the ramp, arms outstretched and his eyes glittering with tears. Dedede was running at him too, a grin on his face. “Oh Escargoon! I missed you too, buddy!”

The two embraced, with Escargoon making the ugliest crying noise. Tuff noticed that Tiff was now frowning as she watched this scene unfold, and he also saw Dedede reach for his hammer… uh oh.

“You know what I also missed, Escargoon?” Dedede asked, his voice dripping with more false sweetness than one of Kawasaki’s desserts.

“What’s that, sire?”

“KNOCKIN’ YOU ON THE NOGGIN!” The king laughed as he brought the hammer down -

There was a loud clunk as it met another hammer. The other Dedede must have seen him prepare to hit Escargoon too. He was staring down their Dedede now, a tranquil fury in his eyes. “Well, ain’t this a wonderful first impression,” he quipped, casually flicking his hammer up and jerking the other one out of his doppelganger’s grip. “I’d say it’s nice to meet you, but I also swore not to lie to myself.”

“Junior? Oh, are you alright?” Escargoon’s mom rushed forward, checking on her son, as their Dedede choked on his words. “Come on inside, my boy, you must be exhausted after all that’s happened!”

“Momma, I’m fine, honestly…”

“Hey! What’s going on?” said a familiar, high-pitched voice. Tuff looked up to spot the other Kirby, standing in the hatch while waving his little stubs around. He, too, was wearing a little bead bracelet. “Come on, let’s not fight _ already _!”

The other Dedede shrugged, straightening out his coat. “Right, not even half of us are off the Lor yet.” He stood at the ramp. “Come on out, y’all!”

* * *

_ 2:28 PM _

**Kirby:** that was the most uncomfortable i’ve ever been while eating lunch...

**Escargoon:** I’ve never seen my momma glare at someone like that.

**Escargoon:** She was really mad at his majesty...

**Big D:** Does he hit you often?

**Escargoon:** … Can we talk about this later? In person, and preferably alone?

**Tiff: **YEAH HE DOES HIT ESCARGOON A LOT

**Tiff:** ESPECIALLY WHEN HE’S MAD OR BORED

**Escargoon:** … ANYWAY

**Escargoon:** Your mom sure was polishing off that pudding, huh?

**Tiff:** YEAH, MOM’S BEEN EATING A LOT OF PUDDING LATELY

**Sword Lesbian:** yo did tiff forget how to turn off caps lock

**Tiff:** THIS IS TUFF

**Tiff:** TIFF IS LETTING ME PLAY WITH HER PHONE!

**Escargoon:** You can turn off the caps, you know.

**Tiff:** ALL CAPS IS COOL!

**Escargoon:** Whatever you say, kid.

**Tiff: **IS BIG D THE OTHER DEDEDE

**Big D:** Yeah.

**Tiff:** I THINK YOU’RE PRETTY COOL

**Tiff:** YOU’RE NOT AS FAT AND UGLY AS OUR DEDEDE

**Escargoon:** fkdajkjsf

**Tiff:** WHOSE IDEA WAS THE BRACELETS, THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA

**Ribbon:** mine!

**Tiff:** YOU KNOW I THOUGHT FAIRIES WERE JUST SOMETHING IN STORIES

**Tiff:** BUT THERE’S A WHOLE PLANET OF THEM?

**Ribbon:** that’s right!

**Tiff:** WOW!

**Big D:** you know, we need a word to signify who we’re talking about from what universe

**Big D:** rather than just going “our dedede” or “your dedede”

**Tiff:** YEAH

**Borb:** Though it should be easy to tell you and the other one apart.

**Borb:** You’re slimmer, and you wear a shirt.

**Marx:** i say we use anime for tiff and escargoon’s universe

**Big D:** why

**Marx:** it’s the first word that came to mind lol

**Tiff:** IS IT A BAD WORD?

**Big D:** no, so i guess it’s better than anything else marx could have suggested

**Tiff:** BY THE WAY MARX

**Tiff:** ARE YOU THE ONE ON THE BALL

**Marx:** yeah lol

**Tiff:** I THINK YOU’RE COOL, TOO!

**Marx:** i

**Marx:** thank you

**Marx:** there is something extremely validating about being called “cool” by a little kid

**Marx:** did you see magolor yet?

**Tiff:** YEAH!

**Tiff:** HE IS SHAPED LIKE AN EGG

**Tiff:** BUT HE’S AN ALIEN WIZARD, WHICH IS AWESOME

**Tiff:** AND HE’S DATING A BOY!

**Tiff:** I DIDN’T KNOW YOU COULD DATE A BOY IF YOU’RE A BOY

**Tiff:** BUT THAT’S EVEN COOLER BECAUSE YOU DON’T GET COOTIES!

**Marx:** lol

**Tiff:** AND HIS BOYFRIEND IS AWESOME TOO!

**Tiff:** A SPIDER WIZARD, WITH HORNS! HOW COOL IS THAT?

**Tiff:** I WONDER IF A SPIDER WIZARD WILL BE IN THE NEXT PAPPY POTTEY BOOK

**Tiff:** I THINK THERE SHOULD BE ONE

**Sword Lesbian:** yo that’d be rad as hell

**Tiff:** WHICH ONE ARE YOU SWORD LESBIAN

**Sword Lesbian:** oh i’m not in your universe, little dude

**Tiff:** OH OKAY

**Sword Lesbian:** I can send a picture of me if you want

**Tiff:** YOU CAN SEND PICTURES THROUGH YOUR PHONES?

**Sword Lesbian:** yeah check this out

**Sword Lesbian:**

** **

**Tiff:** WHOA

**Tiff:** COOL SHIRT!

**uwu: **berge… that’s my mask

**Sword Lesbian:** oh i just picked it up and slapped it on lol

**Marx:** why do you guys cover your faces anyway

**uwu:** religious modesty uwu

**uwu:** we must cover our noses and mouths, except when we eat, sleep, or bathe

**uwu:** lord hyness does it too.

**Marx:** huh, guess i never realized he does because it’s dark under that hood of his

**Big D:** hey, i recognize that shower curtain

**Big D:** why are you in my personal bathroom, flamberge

**Sword Lesbian:** just wanted to sit on the royal throne

**Big D:** … darn, i can’t get mad at you just because of that joke

**Sword Lesbian:** also why is your tub so big? are you doing laps in here or something?

**Big D:** the salesman was very convincing

**Big D:** and sometimes i just like to sit under the water

**Big D:** it’s relaxing

**Sword Lesbian:** can’t relate

**Tiff:** OKAY TIFF WANTS HER PHONE BACK, AND SHE’S GOING TO SHOW YOU GUYS AROUND IF YOU WANT

**Adeleine:** Hey dad, i’m going with Tiff, okay?

**Daddyroach:** Be back before dark.

**Tiff:** We’ll try!

**Susie:** Hey, I went to the bathroom and the mirror was broken. Is this normal?

**Borb:** Perhaps we should ask my counterpart, or Tiff’s father.

**Susie:** Good idea.

* * *

Escargoon opened the door of his room, breathing in the familiar scent - his scent. Everything was spotless - his mother had come in and cleaned it all while he was away. He sighed, flopping down on his bed and thinking. Had he really wanted to come back? Sure, his mother would have been heartbroken, but… this Dedede - anime Dedede, he reminded himself - was a brute. A selfish loudmouth who beat him.

And Escargoon had loved him. At some point, anyway. He wasn’t sure anymore. He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow, groaning. His time away had given him room to think and, over the last few weeks, he’d realized that everything he’d done in the name of the king was kind of messed up. Maybe it was for the best he was constantly beat on - he, too, was a rotten jerk.

The door opened, and he looked up to see Dedede - which one, though? “Oh… your majesty, I’m feelin’ a bit jet-lagged -”

“Cut the crap, Escargoon, and listen.” Okay, this was anime Dedede. The king shut the door behind him and moved close, leaning on the bed. “Just because you was in another diamention doesn’t mean you don’t work for me no more, got it? You’re still my guy, right?” His voice sounded almost… pained? Had his majesty truly missed him?

“I - yes, sire, I don’t see why I wouldn’t be.” Escargoon sat up, placing his hands on his lap.

“Good. I need you to make sure that creepy talkin’ Kirby never comes back to the castle.” The king glared at the door, as if Kirby was standing behind it. “Arrange an accident or something, okay?”

“S-sire…” Escargoon gulped, remembering something Susie had brought up. Something about Kirby having potentially infinite power… “I don’t know if I can…”

Dedede suddenly grabbed him by the neck, bringing him towards his face. “Whaddya mean you don’t know?” he roared. Escargoon could smell cheeseburgers on his breath - oh, his majesty was truly upset, if he was stress eating...

“Sire, that Kirby… he’s taken down gods. On his own, too! What could one little snail like me do? Besides, he’ll probably leave by -” The king threw him to the bed, and instinctively, Escargoon flung his hands up over his head for the incoming hit.

It never came. Instead, Dedede placed his fingers under his chin, lifting it up so that Escargoon looked him in the eye. “You’d do it if it means you get to date me, wouldn’t ya?”

Escargoon was dumbstruck. “You - your majesty, I-”

“Aww, look at you, blushin’ like a little school girl.” Dedede leered down at him, and Escargoon was painfully reminded of how much smaller he was than the king, how much _weaker_... “Listen, Escargoon, I’ve known for years now ya had a thing for me, and I’ve done some thinkin’. We ain’t gettin’ any younger, you know.”

“Well, that _ is _ true… you’d think you’d act your age now and then...” He felt a bit guilty - he’d promised his momma grandkids, and his biological clock was ticking. 

“Uh-huh! And I’m the king, so nobody could be homophonic without takin’ a trip to the dungeon! I’m willin’ to give you and me a shot, but only if that Kirby goes away. Do we got ourselves a deal?”

Escargoon’s heart fluttered, despite himself. Was it out of fear, or love? “I… yes, sire. I’ll do it for you,” he murmured.

“That’s my Escargoonie-goo.” The king kissed him gently, on the cheek. “Bye-bye now. See you when that Kirby kicks the bucket. Bweh-heh-heh-heh!” He left, closing the door behind him, and Escargoon slumped down, feeling confused and filthy.

His phone buzzed, and he glanced over at it.

* * *

_ 3:32 PM _

** _Taranza_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Escargoon_ ** _ ! _

**Taranza:** I heard all of that.

**Taranza:** Are you alright? Did he hurt you?

**Escargoon:** how

**Escargoon:** how did you hear me

**Taranza:** Your window is open, and he’s loud.

**Escargoon:** oh

**Taranza:** I’m alone, so I’m the only one who knows.

**Taranza:** Well, no, there’s a few Waddle Dees here, but they seem to be minding their own business.

**Escargoon:** what do i do, taranza?

**Escargoon:** i can’t get rid of kirby

**Escargoon:** i’m physically incapable of it

**Escargoon:** and i don’t know if i even love his majesty or not

**Taranza:** He doesn’t deserve you.

**Escargoon:** i deserve him

**Escargoon:** i’ve done horrible things

**Escargoon:** just for him

**Escargoon:** because i thought i loved him

**Escargoon:** i belong with him

**Taranza:** I’m coming up to talk to you.

**Escargoon:** no don’t

**Escargoon:** just leave me here

**Escargoon:** leave me here so he doesn’t take out his anger on anyone else

**Escargoon:** if i’m gone he might hurt sir ebrum, or lady like, or even the kids or my mom

**Escargoon:** and i don’t wanna be responsible for that

**Taranza:** I see.

**Taranza:** This is a bit personal, but…

**Taranza:** I was in a situation similar to yours, once.

**Escargoon:** …

**Taranza:** May I come up?

**Taranza:** I’ll shut the window behind me.

**Escargoon:** yeah

* * *

_ 3:56 PM _

**Taranza:** **@Everyone** We’re not leaving Escargoon here.

**Gaylien: **?

**Gaylien:** what happened

**Gaylien:** what did you see out in the garden

**Taranza:** It’s not what I saw, it’s what I heard.

**Taranza:** Escargoon isn’t safe here. Not with this Dedede.

**Gaylien:** alright, we’ll do the same as when we got you out of floralia

**Gaylien:** we’ll sneak everything he wants to take into the lor

**Gaylien:** and then when we leave we’ll take him with us

**Daddyroach:** I can move quite a lot of things without people noticing. Just point it out and I’ll get it on board.

**Escargoon:** …

**Escargoon:** you’re all so nice

**Escargoon:** but i don’t deserve it

**Escargoon:** i’m a terrible person

**Escargoon:** just ask tiff

**Tiff:** Escargoon…

**Escargoon:** tell them what i did to our kirby

**Tiff:** You did all of it for the king, though.

**Tiff:** Which I never understood, he’s… always kind of treated you like crap.

**Tiff:** At least as far as I can remember.

**Escargoon:** tiff, sometimes when you’re in love, you do horrible things

**Escargoon:** and maybe, if i did what he wanted, he’d stop hitting me

**Tiff:** You love him?

**Tiff:** Get a grip! There’s _ nothing _ loveable about our Dedede!

**Escargoon:** … yeah… 

**Tiff:** He’s an awful, mean slob!

**Escargoon:** Yeah.

**Tiff:** He’s selfish and lazy!

**Escargoon:** YEAH!

**Tiff:** AND HE DOESN’T TREAT YOU RIGHT!

**Escargoon:** THAT’S FOR DAMN SURE!

**Tiff:** SO DITCH THE BASTARD!

**Escargoon:** …

**Escargoon:** Tiff, should you be using that word?

**Tiff:** Oops.

**Sword Lesbian:** GO CHOP HIS DICK OFF, ESCARGOON

**Escargoon:** NO THAT’S TOO FAR

* * *

_ 6:10 PM _

**Tiff:** Ok question

**Tiff:** I came home and the Meta Knights are fighting, what’s up with that?

**Big D:** They’re dueling. They mutually agreed to it beforehand.

**Tiff:** Oh, okay.

**Kirby:** by the way, i’m with the other me, so don’t worry escargoon!

**Escargoon:** Dinner is soon, everyone.

**Escargoon:** Tiff, you and your family are expected to make an appearance.

**Tiff:** Oh, a feast, huh?

**Escargoon:** Yup.

**Tiff:** Did you tell your mom what’s happening? I told my parents that you’re going to leave, and they seemed okay with it.

**Escargoon:** … Yeah.

**Tiff:** How’d she take it?

**Escargoon:** She didn’t like it, but she also doesn’t like the fact that his majesty hits me.

**Escargoon:** She’d rather me leave then stay here, if it means I’m safe.

**Escargoon:** And she also brought up the idea of getting rid of him?

**Escargoon:** But that’s a bit scary…

**Marx:** holy shit

**Marx:** i’m just imagining your mom, this sweet old snail lady

**Marx:** leading a huge army of revolutionaries

**Escargoon:** I’m not sure how to feel about that.

**Marx:** by the way, is it okay if I put on a show?

**Marx:** entertaining kings is what jesters are supposed to do

**Big D:** Go for it, just don’t piss on the table or do something gross.

* * *

_ 7:31 PM _

**Escargoon:** MARX???

**Marx: **did you like the show? :3c

**Daddyroach:** I’m still upstairs, what did he do?

**Escargoon:** HE KICKED HIS MAJESTY IN THE CROWN JEWELS

**Daddyroach:** which one?

**B.Dee:** ANIME

**Marx:** i invited him up to assist me with a trick, and i miiight have slipped ;)

**Daddyroach:** INCREDIBLE

**Escargoon:** He’s mad.

**Escargoon:** I’m with my momma, so I should be okay?

**Borb:** I’ll go with you.

**Escargoon:** Not necessary, our Meta Knight just showed up by my side.

**Escargoon:** I’m gonna fill him in and then… go draw his majesty’s bath, I guess.

**Borb:** Are you sure?

**Escargoon:** It’s not something I want to do, but I can’t let him get suspicious.

**Escargoon:** And my Meta Knight’s coming with me, so it won’t just be me and him alone.

**Ribbon:** anime dedede asked adeleine if she was a boy or a girl

**Daddyroach:** How’d she handle it?

**Adeleine:** “oh wow, professor oak! I’m a huge fan!”

**Adeleine:** and then he called me ugly

**Daddyroach:** HE WHAT

**Adeleine:** it didn’t really bother me

**Tiff:** I think he just thinks humans are ugly.

**Tiff:** When he rented a bunch of human art, he thought it was ugly too.

**Adeleine:** Human art? Where’d it come from?

**Tiff: **I dunno, he never told us.

**Daddyroach:** Whatever.

**Daddyroach:** By the way, Escargoon, I’d never guess you were into botany.

**Escargoon:** Oh, I wrote a whole book on it! I planted the castle garden myself, too.

**Taranza:** It’ll have a nice home in the library.

**Taranza: **Um, the book, not the garden. I don’t think we can take that with us.

**Tiff:** Hey, um, my dad wants to know when you’re leaving.

**Borb:** Tonight, probably.

**Escargoon:** So, just a bit more, huh?

**Escargoon:** Then I’ll be out of here.

**Escargoon:** Ten years of service to him… over. Just like that.

**Tiff:** Yeah…

**Tiff:** I’ll take care of the garden for you, okay?

**Escargoon:** By the way, all the mirrors are broken. Do you know what’s up with that?

**Tiff:** No clue.

**Borb:** We assume that was the mirror version of me.

**Tiff:** You mean he took us?

**Borb:** Most likely.

**Tiff:** And he could do it again?

**Borb:** …

**Borb:** I assume so. I’m sorry.

**Kirby:** if he does, i’ll come rescue you, okay? No matter where he takes you!

**Tiff:** Thanks, Kirby.

* * *

“Escargooon! Hey, Escargoon! Where you at?” 

Tiff froze for a moment, then continued making her way to her room. The king couldn’t scare her, not in a million years! She completely intended to ignore the king.

Well, up until he ran out in front of her. “Yo, girlie! You know where Escargoon is? I got somethin’ I need to ask him!”

“Mmmh, no? The last time I saw him was at dinner.” Tiff shrugged, feeling a bit guilty about lying - but this was Dedede, so it was okay, right? “Hey, why didn’t you see off your guests? Were you not feeling well?”

“What? They’re gone already?” The king seemed to deflate, which was a bit odd. He hadn’t seemed too pleased at their presence, after all.

“Yeah, they just left. The other Dedede has his own kingdom to take care of, you know.” Wow, her Dedede seemed a bit confused at the concept of _actually being a king!_ “But hey, they told me they’d try to visit sometime! I’ll let you know when they do, alright? I’ve got a way to keep in touch with them.” Tiff continued down the hall, humming to herself.

“You do? How?” Dedede ran after her, a look of curiosity plain on his face.

“It’s something they gave to me, in case I got lost in their universe. Escargoon got one too, so maybe you can ask him.” Tiff bit her lip, wanting to tell the king to get lost. “Can I go to bed now?”

Dedede growled a bit. “Fine,” he said. “I’ll go find Escargoon.” He stormed off, and Tiff sighed. She sure hadn’t missed dealing with him.

After making it to her room, Tiff got ready for bed, brushing her hair and washing her face, and noticing a strange shadow in her window -

“Huh?” She rubbed her eyes, checking again. Maybe it was just her imagination… but she went to her backpack of things she’d brought from the other universe, finding the gun Susie gave her. She stared at it, then stashed it in her side table. Tuff never went through that, so she figured it’d be safe enough there. 

If something - or some_one_ \- came for her, she’d be ready.


	15. Merry Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone celebrates in their own unique way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, happy holidays! I'm going to take a small break from writing, and will most likely resume work after New Year's eve. I'd like to thank everyone for sticking with me.
> 
> The electronic mistletoe exists, and you can see it in "action" here - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFNhmeZKFzY'
> 
> The "season's greetings" memes Marx sends are based on illustrations from Man after Man by Dougal Dixon. It's a speculative evolution book, and it's stupid. Dougal Dixon's not even a fucking biologist. Full of meme potential though.

The quiet village glittered with tinsel and lights, as the sun slowly began to rise. The mailman slowly began to deliver holiday packages, and the scent of Kawasaki beginning his soup for the day wafted through the air. A few women headed to the well to fetch water, greeting each other and singing a carol or two.

But Dark Meta Knight didn’t feel the holiday spirit. He never did. Instead, he turned back to the castle, his eyes narrowing, as they usually did. 

That girl, that irritating little _ brat _ , had indirectly killed his new master. So had that damn snail, he figured, but that coward had fled from here. He wrapped his hand around the hilt of his sword, thinking. The Kirby who had defeated him wasn’t here. Slaughtering the brat and her family as they slept would be easy, yes, but would it be _ satisfying _?

Revenge, he’d found, was a good motivator, and a dish best served cold. Even cold foods could be satisfying meals - soba noodles, gazpacho, sushi… he was drooling a bit, just thinking of them. A disgusting reminder of his true nature.

He heard that moronic king yell for his servants, frustration booming through the halls. He was up early. Dark Meta Knight smiled, then stopped when he realized how adorable that’d look. He was _ not _ adorable.

He jumped off the balcony, into the courtyard. Hopefully, his other self wasn’t awake yet. He stole into the throne room uninterrupted, earning him an irritated glare. “Hey you lazy lump o’ metal! Why don’t you do somethin’ useful for once and get me a cuppa joe!” the king ordered.

Dark Meta Knight stepped forward. “Your majesty, I bring you news.” His voice was clearly jarringly raspy, judging by the king’s confused look. “Your… companion, Escargoon -”

“Huh? What’s wrong with Escargoon? Ain’t that slimy servant around somewhere in Cappy Town still?”

“No. He’s not even in this dimension, sir.”

The reaction was almost instantaneous. King Dedede turned beet red, and his eyes seemed to burn with the fires of hell. The remote he’d held in one hand was crushed in an instant. “** _WHAAAAAAAAAAAT_ **?”

Dark Meta Knight remained calm in the face of the explosion. “He fled your potential anger. However, I can attempt to retrieve him if you like…”

* * *

_ 9:30 am _

**Tiff:** he pieced it together

**Kirby:** ?

**Tiff:** My Dedede figured out that Escargoon’s probably not coming back.

**Kirby:** Oh, it’s been a week…

**Tiff:** But he’s _ furious _.

**Tiff:** And he woke me up at why-o-clock, yelling.

**Escargoon:** Oh, dear…

**Escargoon:** Is everything okay?

**Tiff: **Yeah, there’s not much he can do, and Mabel said we can stay in her guest room if we need to.

**Tiff:** Meta Knight’s stepping in, too.

**Kirby:** stay safe, okay?

**Tiff:** I’ll try.

* * *

_ 10:25 am _

**Ribbon:** christmas is coming and if daroach steals it i’m going to shove an entire christmas tree into his chest

**Marx:** ribbon, uh

**Marx:** you okay there

**Adeleine: **She really likes this holiday, okay? It’s her favorite one.

**Ribbon:** was that too violent? i’m sorry >.<

**Daddyroach:** I’ve got my own problems over here, anyway.

**Daddyroach: **It’s my turn to host christmas eve

**Adeleine:** hey dad?

**Adeleine:** why do we have a room full of mattresses?

**Daddyroach:** … we what

**Ribbon:** i

**Marx:** bro what the hell goes on in there

**Daddyroach:** … WHERE DID HE FIND ALL OF THESE

**Marx:** i’m gonna put a sprig of mistletoe on my tie

**Marx:** gonna fly around and make people kiss

**Ribbon:** on your tie?

**Ribbon: **that’s um

**Ribbon:** a somewhat inappropriate placement

**Marx:** how

**Ribbon:** if it dangles between your feet…

**Marx:** OH

**Marx:** OH NO

**Marx:** maybe i can tie it to my hat instead

**Adeleine:** ANYWAY RIBBON

**Adeleine:** do you want to come paint ornaments with me?

**Ribbon:** okay!!

**Marx:** yo count me in

* * *

_ 11:51 am _

**Tiff:** meat knight is on top of the tree… he’s supposed to be helping us decorate it!

**Tiff:** I MEANT MEAT KNIGHT

**Tiff:** UGH

**Tiff:** M-E-T-A

**Tiff:** why is autocarrot just NOW having issues…

** _Borb_ ** _ has changed his name to _ ** _Meat Knight._ **

**Tiff:** don’t

**Kirby: **maybe i can be meat knight!

**Tiff:** _ no _

**Kirby:** but i’m made of meat!

**Tiff:** please stop

**Escargoon: **Ah, yes, meta knight announces his height complex to everyone again.

**Tiff:** he just likes to feel tall

**Big D: @everyone** I need an RSVP on who’s all coming to my christmas dinner.

**Big D:** and christmas eve potluck too

**Meat Knight:** Are you making _ stuff _?

**Big D:** Yeah, i love _ stuff _

**Meat Knight:** May my crew come along?

**Big D:** yeah sure

**Big D:** also, please change your name

**Meat Knight:** I see no reason to.

**Big D:** you just like seeing us squirm

**Meat Knight:** You can’t prove that.

**Ribbon:** idk if i’m going to your dinner or queen ripple’s yet

**Daddyroach:** First of all.

** _Daddyroach_ ** _ has changed _ ** _Meat Knight_ ** _ ’s name to _ ** _ Borb_ ** _ . _

**Daddyroach:** Can’t do christmas eve, but i’ll do christmas

**Gryll:** i practice yule instead of christmas

**Gryll:** but i’ll show up for free food and presents, since christmas, despite being a few days after yule, is in a somewhat similar spirit

**Zan Particle: **We don’t celebrate christmas either, but we’re more than happy to participate in your celebrations.

**uwu:** our midwinter prayers will likely be done by then anyway!!

**Prince Fluff:** I’d come, but i’ve got a celebration of my own to prepare…

**Queen Ripple:** Same here.

**Gryll:** by the way, does anyone know why christmas started?

**Gryll:** i know it’s named after that jesus christ dude but we barely know who or what he was???

**Gryll:** he was Important in whatever culture he came from and that’s why we swear by him

**Hyness:** i will try to research this

**Gryll: **that would be cool

**Hyness:** i do know that it’s supposed to be jesus’s birthday

**Gryll:** yeah, like yule is The Lord’s birthday

**Kirby:** who’s the lord?

**Gryll:** my god

**Gryll:** like, literally, the god that i worship

**Kirby:** hm, i’m not interested in worshiping gods

**Gryll:** dkasljjiadfi

**Hyness:** ...

**Gryll:** that was raw as hell my dude

**Marx:** gods don’t worship other gods

* * *

_ 7:25 PM _

**Escargoon:** Boy, I sure do love having no legal tender!

**Big D:** I’ll get you your first paycheck soon, don’t worry.

**Escargoon:** Thanks, sire.

**Marx:** i’m sure you’re legally tender ;)

**Escargoon:** Oh, you want a piece of this, clown boy?

**Escargoon: **Too bad, I don’t date hooligans.

**Marx: **I WAS JOKING

**Marx:** and i probably shouldn’t encourage the horny people

**Marx:** Horny People Have No Rights!!!

**Daddyroach:** :(

**Marx:** yes, that means you sir horny, mayor of hornytown

**Daddyroach:** huh

**Daddyroach:** Despite not being in the adults-only chat, you managed to a) guess the name and b) guess my nickname in it.

**Marx:** who says i’m not in it

**Daddyroach:** I know you’re not because there’s no abo fanfic being posted

**Marx:** okay fine i have a spy

**Marx:** who tells me of your nasty activities

**Escargoon: **I’m sorry, why is there an adults-only chat?

**Daddyroach:** We talk about grown-up things in there.

**Daddyroach: **Like this:

** _Daddyroach_ ** _ is quoting three (3) messages from _ ** _Hornytown_ ** _ . _

> **The Universe’s Biggest Bottom**: boy i sure do love doing taxes
> 
> **Mayor of Hornytown:** And worrying about a random pain in your abdomen
> 
> **Mistress:** Getting excited about having free time...

**Gaylien:** wow just put all our business out here, okay

**Gaylien:** anyway i’m going to floralia, if anyone would like to come

**Escargoon:** Oooh, I’ll go!

* * *

_ 10:18 PM _

**Escargoon: **I THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO FLORIDA

* * *

_ 9:18 am _

**Marx:**

** **

**Ribbon:** >:(

**Marx:** is that your ribbon or your eyebrows

**Ribbon:** lol

**Marx:** is that you laughing or a little dude drowning

**Ribbon:** shuuut uuuuuuuup marx

**Gaylien:** THERE IT IS BOYS

**Gaylien:** HE REMEMBERED IT EXISTS

**Marx:** i did but…

**Marx:** there’s one more

**Gaylien:** hhhngngng

**Ribbon:** oh no!

**Kine:**

** **

**Kine:** the abominable snowman ain’t got no business being this thicc

**Gaylien:** jadskklasdjfklsd

**Bonkers:** yo where’d you find this picture of my family

**Gaylien:** skskskskssk

**Bonkers:** and i OOP

**Marx:**

** **

**Kirby:** these are scary...

**Gryll:** this is the absolute _ worst _

**Ribbon:** i

**Ribbon:** hate this

**Adeleine:** what is this even FROM

**Marx:** idk lol

**Tiff:** yeah i’m going to go back to bed and pretend this was a dream

**Kine:** if i HAD to guess

**Kine:** it’s from some book about weird aliens?

**Adeleine: @Taranza** keep an eye out in the library for a book with this stuff in it

**Taranza:** I don’t know if I want to.

**Taranza:** I’ve got a date later on and don’t want to ruin my mood.

**Adeleine:** i was going to ask you to burn it

**Adeleine:** or give it to marx for more meme material

**Taranza:** I’m not sure I’d want to give Marx that power.

**Adeleine:** whatever, i’ve gotta get back to painting ornaments

**Kirby:** a date????

**Marx:** oooooOOOOOH

**Marx:** where’s you going, taranza?

**Taranza:** A little tea house.

**Taranza:** They serve coffee, too, so I think he’ll be happy.

**Taranza:** And later on, we’ll come home and watch a movie or something.

**Kirby:** have fun you two! (^u^)

**Taranza:** We’re not going now, but we will.

* * *

_ 2:21 PM _

** _King Dedede_ ** _ is talking to _ ** _Escargoon_ ** _ ! _

**King Dedede:** hey, weird question

**King Dedede:** do you sleepwalk? like, ever?

**Escargoon:** … huh?

**King Dedede:** i caught you tidying up my room last night

**King Dedede:** in your sleep

**King Dedede:** i tried waking you up, but you’re a really deep sleeper i guess

**Escargoon:** Actually, I’m not…

**Escargoon:** I’m real easy to wake up, normally.

**King Dedede: **Huh, well… i don’t know.

**King Dedede: **Any dreams?

**Escargoon:** I had one, but I just barely remember it.

**King Dedede:** Alright, what can you remember?

**King Dedede: **You don’t need to tell me if you’re not comfortable.

**Escargoon:** I was just walking around a place with really nice houses…

**Escargoon: **There was a nice lady with a garden, and I met a guy i think was her husband too, but I can’t remember what they looked like other than the man’s mustache.

**Escargoon:** It was a big one, kind of like… do you remember Tiff’s dad? It was like his mustache.

**King Dedede:** Hmm, well.

**King Dedede: **I’ll ask Coo to keep an eye on you.

**Escargoon: **I’ll let Taranza know he should lock his door.

**King Dedede:** why

**King Dedede:** wait that’s a stupid question

**Escargoon:** Pfff.

* * *

_ 9:30 AM, Dec 21st _

**Big D:** OH SHIT

**Big D: **I FORGOT TO DO CHRISTMAS PICTURES

**Big D: @B.Dee @Escargoon @Taranza** GET THE CAMERA, THE GREENSCREEN, AND THE CHRISTMAS PROPS

**Big D:** I NEED TO PUT SOMETHING OUT THERE

* * *

10:23 AM

**Big D: @everyone**

**Big D:**

** **

**Tiff:** Oh! This is, um… something.

**Borb:** Was that pose necessary?

**Escargoon:** we had trouble telling him no

**Taranza:** If I recall, you were encouraging him.

**Marx:** damn, exposed

**B.Dee:** Did my cursive turn out okay?

**Kirby:** that’s your handwriting?

**Kirby:** it’s super good… i wish i could write like that…

**Gryll:** dedede out here looking like a snacc while the mage sisters are fasting…

**Zan Partizanne:** We’re allowed to drink water. That’s it, though.

**Sword Lesbian:** this is the most hydrated i’ve been in a year

**Gryll:** yo when can you guys eat again

**Gryll:** i got a ton of food for my yule feast

**uwu: **this evening

**uwu:** i can’t wait to shove ten cookies in my mouth, honestly

**Ribbon: **i finally finished all my gifts… phew

* * *

_ 12:31 PM, Christmas Eve _

**Adeleine: **The tension here is… very, very palpable.

**Ribbon:** is everything okay?

**Doc:** it might not be

**Doc:** vanessa’s being a drama queen, like always

**Spinni:** he rented out an entire venue because he didn’t want her to see the mattress room, lol

**Storo:** i just stayed home for the mattress room

**Storo:** the mattress room was the best idea i’ve ever had

**Doc:** you only say that because no bed can fit you

**Storo:** hm, true

**Taranza:** It really does sound nice, until you realize you can’t have things like bookshelves if your entire floor is lined with matresses.

**Adeleine:** Hey doc? How come dad said his siblings don’t like him? They seem perfectly happy to see him, other than Vanessa.

**Doc:** it’s an inside joke, mostly

**Doc:** vanessa told him that everybody in the family hated his guts and we all just kind of rolled with it.

**Doc:** of course, she kind of hates all of her family

**Adeleine:** Hm…

**Doc**: she picks a fight with each of her siblings every year, but she makes good cheesecake and her husband’s cool

**Daddyroach:** Yeah steve’s great

**Daddyroach:** if he ever divorces vanessa we should invite him to holidays and stuff

**Spinni:** hey boss can i try to seduce steve

**Daddyroach: **Not during the holidays. We don’t need that drama.

**Spinni:** aww

**Daddyroach:** Also, I’m 90% certain he’s straight.

**Doc:** one time vanessa got mad over me wearing a hat

**Daddyroach:** It was when she had her first litter and the hat said “Foxy Grandpa”

**Daddyroach:** I think she was somewhat in the right there.

**Adeleine:** oop

**Doc:** oh no

**Marx:** ooo what happened

**Doc:** he’s introducing his kid and she’s embarrassed

**Ribbon: **well, he’s allowed to do that, right? He’s her dad.

**Spinni: **yeah

**Doc:** i guess so, huh.

**Doc:** all of their children seem to like her too, so that’s good

**Adeleine:** AAAAAAAAAAAA

**Adeleine:** AUNT VANESSA JUST JUMPED AT DAD

**Doc:** she does this every christmas

**Doc:** it’s a tradition at this point and it’s not like she can overpower him

**Storo:** what was the excuse this year?

**Doc:** she accused him of being a kidnapper

**Storo:** ooof

**Big D:** Yo someone lend me a hand in the kitchen

**Escargoon:** Right away, sire!

**Big D: **thanks

**Borb:** He’s making _ stuff _…

**Borb:** I just know he is.

**Storo:** man I want some _ stuff _

**Escargoon: **he’s standing over a bucket with a MASSIVE AMOUNT OF WHIP CREAM

**Borb:** _ Good. _

**Escargoon: **He handed me four buckets?

**B.Dee: ** They eat gallons of _ stuff _ every christmas eve…

**Escargoon:** I mean, it’s easy to make.

**Escargoon:** Cottage cheese, whip cream, some instant jello mix and pineapple... 

**Escargoon:** A blind toddler couldn’t mess it up. 

**Marx:** yo stop leaking government secrets

**B.Dee:** Hey, question.

**B.Dee: **Is anyone going to be serving actual food at the potluck, or is it going to be all desserts?

**Kirby:** _stuff_ is actual food!

**B.Dee:** Kirby, i love you, you are amazing

**B.Dee:** but _ stuff _ is most certainly a dessert

**Kawasaki:** I’ve got a rump roast…

**B.Dee:** Yeah, but I’ve got apple pie.

**Gaylien:** i’m bringing napkins

**Big D:** magolor

**Big D:** i have so many napkins

**Big D: **I don’t need more

**Gaylien:** you don’t want me to cook, trust me

**Big D:** then go to the store and get a veggie plate or something

**Gaylien:** NOBODY EATS THOSE

**Big D:** GET A FRUIT PLATE THEN YOU DISAPPOINTMENT

**Gaylien:** i can bring my mixtape

**Big D:** we’re not playing your mixtape around kirby

**Escargoon:** GET BACK TO WORK YOU BIG LUG

**Big D:** IN A MINUTE, I'M ORGANIZING THINGS HERE

**Gaylien:** WORK BITCH

* * *

_ 9:30 PM _

** _Santa’s Helpers_ **

**Meta Knight:** Alright, Kirby and Gooey are asleep. Someone get Bandanna Dee sleepy.

**Meta Knight:** Don’t drug him.

**Taranza:** I made him a cup of warm milk, hopefully that does the trick.

**Daroach:** I’m back. Adeleine’s asleep right now, so I’m putting her with Kirby.

**Ribbon:** thank you!!!

**Captain Vul:** Sailor Dee is tucked away in bed, sir!

**Escargoon:** I can’t believe all the Dees still believe in Santa…

**Dedede:** Beard’s on, and I’ve got all of Kirby’s presents ready.

**Ribbon:** Get all of Queen Ripple’s gifts ready, i’m gonna head there tomorrow to eat with her.

**Dedede:** Who’s got the cursed gift?

**Escargoon:** Cursed gift?

**Ribbon: **oh no

**Meta Knight:** It’s a gift that the person who receives it has to regift next year.

**Meta Knight:** It _ was _ an electronic mistletoe that sexually harassed people. 

**Ribbon:** ugh, that thing

**Escargoon:** a WHAT

**Meta Knight:** It was in Susie’s hands, and it ended up destroyed in a “mysterious accident,” so it was on her to replace it.

**Dedede:** OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!

**Dedede:** she’s at the christmas sleepover this year, so she probably has it with her

**Magolor:** according to Tiff, Tuff is trying to see Santa this year… which might be an issue...

**Magolor:** she says that her parents told her and her brother that Santa works with their parents to bring gifts…

**Magolor:** but if i’m bringing a gift to them…

**Escargoon:** Just tell him you’re helping the Santa from this universe out!

**Magolor: **… well, that should have been obvious from the start

**Magolor:** thanks

**Magolor:** i am trying to sneak in unseen, enough to pick up your mom’s cookies and whatever presents tiff got for us - you know, to avoid HIM

**Escargoon:** right...

**Magolor:** but susie made me a santa outfit in case

**Taranza:** Bandanna Dee has drifted off, i’ve tucked him in.

**Dedede:** Alright, let’s go!

**Escargoon:** Hey, this is a bit early, right?

**Meta Knight:** You’ll see why we do it this early.

* * *

_ 3:00 AM, Christmas day _

**Gooey:** SSSSSSSSANTNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Gooey: **SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSANTNAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Gooey:** SSSSSSANNNTAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Coo:** Wait for everyone else to wake up, Gooey. You can’t open the presents early!

**Gooey: **SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Escargoon:** he’s been going at it since midnight?

**Coo:** You’re up early.

**Escargoon:** I was sleepwalking again and tripped over a certain blob.

**Gooey:** SSSSSSSSANNNNNNNNNNNTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Gooey: **SSSSSSSSSSSSNAAAAAAAAAANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Gooey:** SSSSSSSSSSANNNNNNNNNNNNNNTAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Coo:** Oh! Escargoon, I’m sorry, I completely forgot to watch over you!

**Escargoon:** It’s fine, it’s not like I ran a marathon.

**Gooey: **SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Escargoon:** I’ll head back to my room and lock the door this time.

**Coo:** Before you do, do you remember any dreams?

**Escargoon:** Hm, not particularly…

**Gooey:** SSSSSSSANGTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Coo:** I have a recommendation - you should probably start keeping a dream diary. It might cast insight into what’s caused your sleepwalking.

**Escargoon:** … Is that what you got me?

**Coo:** Guilty as charged.

**Coo: **Also, instead of heading to bed, do you mind helping me calm gooey down so he doesn’t open all of the presents?

**Coo:** He did that one year and we haven’t let him live it down.

**Escargoon:** I’ve got him!

* * *

_ 9:53 AM _

**Kirby:** SANTA CAME SANTA CAME SANTA CAAAAAAAAAAAAAME

**Kirby:** there’s so many preseeeents!

**Kirby:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

**Big D:** BREAKFAST FIRST

**Kirby:** NO

**Marx:** IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE

**Marx:** KIRBY WANTS TO DO SOMETHING BEFORE EATING

* * *

_ 12:28 PM _

**Kawasaki:** who wants lunch?

**Kawasaki:** aka charcuterie boards i put together so you guys could graze while i cook dinner

**Borb:** Thank you, by the way.

**Kawasaki:** no problem! 

**Chuchu:** ribbon, i love these bracelets you made everyone!

**Ribbon:** thanks! i figured since kirby, dedede, and meta knight got one, we should all get one!

**Ribbon:** it’s like a friendship bracelet!

**Ribbon:** i’m gonna head off to ripple star soon so i can give the queen her gifts from us, and she can open them before dinner, okay?

**Kirby:** okay, bye ribbon!

**Big D:** Kirby’s a bit occupied with the cursed gift, but i’ll go for food.

**Kawasaki: @Susie** HOW DARE YOU GIVE KIRBY THE CURSED GIFT

**Big D:** oh no he didn’t get it

**Big D:** escargoon did

**Big D:** but kirby HATES it

**Kawasaki: **w-what is it

**Susie:** I put the awful voice chip from the mistletoe in one of those stupid talking fish.

**Susie:** And then glued a little santa hat on it.

**Kawasaki:** YOU DIDN’T

**Susie:** I did!

**Escargoon:** Thanks! I hate it.

**Escargoon:** If i didn’t have to re-gift it, i’d trash it immediately.

**Kirby:** can you put it in your room until next year? I know it’s tradition but i hate it.

**Escargoon:** Oh, i’ve got plans for it.

**Tiff:** MAN THAT SOUNDS LIKE A STINKER OF A GIFT

**Tiff:** ALSO I DIDN’T SEE SANTA THIS YEAR :(

**Tiff:** HE ATE THE COOKIES THOUGH, AND IADIDUUUUUUUUUUUUU

**Tiff:** Sorry, he was about to tell something kind of personal.

**Tiff:** Although, mom said it was fine…

**Kirby:** what is it, tiff?

**Tiff:** Well… i’ve got a little sibling on the way. 

**Kirby:** (*o*)!!!!!!!!!!

**Kirby:** CONTRACTS TIFF

**Marx:** no that happens later on, kirby

**Kirby:** I MEANT CONGRATS

**Tiff:** Mom and Dad surprised us with the ultrasound this morning.

**Escargoon:** I KNEW IT.

**Escargoon:** She woke up at 5 am demanding kawasaki’s pickle and chocolate ramen a couple months ago, then insisted that I not tell you.

**Tiff:** Hey!

**Escargoon:** Listen, kid, I was there for both of her pregnancies, i _ know _ what she’s like when she’s with child!

**Tiff:** Hang on.

**Tiff:** Mom says you were confused when she didn’t lay an egg the first time?

**Marx:** HAAAAAAAAAA

**Taranza:** Magolor went up to Floralia to get flower seeds for me…

**Taranza: **I’m directing him straight to the mistletoe, because he’s getting lots of kisses!

**Marx:** don’t need no plants to kiss your boyfriend, silly spider

**Taranza:** … Right. You’d think I’d know that by now, heh.

**Susie: **Say, where’d you put that anyway?

**Marx:** =)

**Chuchu:** you’ll know if you hear a ringing noise! I ordered a motion-sensor thingy

**Chuchu:** it was a bit annoying to set up, but it works

**Kawasaki:** oh, is that what that is? i thought it was Gooey playing with the jingle bells.

**Escargoon:** So it’s in the dining room?

**Chuchu:** yeah lol

**Escargoon:** Good! I can avoid it.

**Marx:** come on, nobody you want to kiss?

**Escargoon:** That’s none of your business.

**Marx:** i mean, you’re right

**Kawasaki:** get in here and get your food, you dorks.

**Kawasaki:** especially you, marx. I know how you get when you’re hungry.

* * *

_ 6:19 PM _

**Sword Lesbian:** yo can someone help me get the plastic wrap off the box of chocolates before they melt in my hands

**Kirby:** can’t you use your sword?

**Sword Lesbian:** kirby, i um

**Sword Lesbian:** kind of forgot how to have it not be on fire

**Kirby:** oh, i see! that makes sense!!!

**Kirby:** if you’re used to having it be on fire, it’d make sense for you to forget how to have it not be on fire!

**Daddyroach:** You need help?

**Sword Lesbian:** you’ve been awfully quiet today sir 

**Daddyroach:** Well, i’m kind of tired out from yesterday.

**Daddyroach:** Let me help you out, though.

**Sword Lesbian:** okay

**Sword Lesbian: **oh you SCOUNDREL

**uwu: **berge? what’d he do?

**Sword Lesbian: **HE STOLE ONE OF MY CHOCOLATES

**Kirby:** oh that is NOT OKAY!!!

**Kirby:** also you look funny eating your chocolate with a fork

**Sword Lesbian:** ain’t my fault i’m so hot

**Marx:** yo someone pass me the fuckin’ EGG NOG

**Taranza:** you whore, the egg nog is MINE

**Marx:** um

**Marx:** hello magolor on taranza’s phone

**Vividria:** that’s… not magolor…

**Escargoon:** Go to the… entertainment room? The one where we watch all the movies, idk

**Escargoon:** Go there if you want to see us trying to wrangle a carton of spiked egg nog away from a spider.

**Marx:** holy shit???

**Gaylien:** he won’t even let me touch it

**Escargoon:** You can also come here if you want to hear Meta Knight hiccup, OR watch me attempt to keep the king sober!

**Escargoon:** Although, Taranza’s doing an excellent job of that second one.

**Gaylien:** whenever we get close he hisses and hugs it to his chest

**Taranza: @Marx **stay AWAY FROM ME YOU PISS CLOWN

**Marx:** NO

**Marx:** I AM COMING

**Marx:** FOR YOUR EGG NOG

**Taranza:** NOOOOOOOOOO

**Big D:** Hey actually

**Big D: **Marx handled it pretty well

**Big D:** He just walked in and yelled “STOP RUINING CHRISTMAS” and Taranza handed it over

**Big D:** Oh fuck oh fuck OH FUCK

**Big D: **MARX IS DRINKING IT

* * *

_ 12:34 am _

**Big D:** okay new rule

**Big D: **marx isn’t even allowed to THINK about alcohol

**Ribbon:** oh no, are you hurt? 

**Big D:** everyone is alive, but meta knight lost his mask at some point

**Big D:** my furniture, however, has been newly upholstered in clown vomit and there’s a new window in the second-floor bathroom

**Marx:** i feel like death

**Escargoon:** Ugh, i’ll get the shop-vac sire.

**B. Dee:** I’m already on it!

**Escargoon:** Maybe get a roll of caution tape while you’re at it, it’s a fucking crime scene in here.

* * *

_ 7:27 PM, New Year’s Eve _

**Big D: **Hey, i thought i said NO ALCOHOL FOR MARX

**Borb:** He’s completely sober.

**Big D:** but he’s giggling like a lunatic

**Borb: **That’s because B.Dee gave gooey a jar of peanut butter.

**Borb:** If you listened, you’d hear Kirby losing it too.

**Big D:** Ah, so that’s what’s up.

**Gaylien:** get video so i can see

**Taranza:** I second that.

**Marx: **nuh-uh

**Marx: **you two decided to go hang out with gay eggs, you miss out on gooey eating peanut butter

**Taranza:** But I got to hold a cute baby.

**Marx:** that sounds like hell

**Marx: **what if you drop the baby

**Gaylien:** honestly? seeing taranza with a baby did things to me

**Taranza:** It’s too early in our relationship to be thinking about children, my dear.

**Gaylien:** i knowwww

**Gaylien:** yo rikka dropped her album too

**Gaylien:** i’ll bring back a few copies so y’all can listen to lesbian egg ballads

**Rick:** GUYS

**Rick: **I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE DECIDED THIS SOONER BUT UM

**Rick:** SHOULD I PROPOSE BEFORE OR AFTER MIDNIGHT

**Susie:** AFTER

**Susie:** Less pressure to perform by a deadline.

**Susie:** And definitely don’t do it at midnight, there’s too much going on.

**Rick:** Right, okay.

**Rick:** Phew… this is stressful...

**Marx:** who wants to do some pre-2020 cards against society?

**Escargoon:** What’s that?

**Marx:** oooh hoo hoo

**Marx:** you’ll see ;)

**Escargoon:** I’m sickened but curious.

* * *

The cold wind didn’t bother Dark Meta Knight. Neither did watching everyone count down to the new year without him.

He watched as the clock struck midnight, as everyone made obnoxious noises and exchanged new year’s hugs and kisses. Affection was disgusting. He’d decided that a long time ago, though it did tickle him to see that snail swoon as the king offered a chaste kiss on the cheek. He also noticed the hamster, Rick, beckon to a female hamster to leave the group. Probably to go be animals somewhere, ugh.

He’d been trying to find a way to separate the snail from the group for a while now, but the holidays hadn’t made it easy. He was nearly always accompanied by someone - usually the king, though that owl had taken to watching him at night. That was another interesting thing - he’d began to sleepwalk. Oh, how easy it would be to arrange a small… accident… but no. He wanted the snail alive and well when he dragged him back home, because that’s what that moronic king had wanted.

He spotted the two hamsters walking into the courtyard, looking over the display of lights the king had set up. Rick peppered his mate with kisses, and started saying things Dark Meta Knight couldn’t make out from his perch on high. He did, however, hear the female’s squeal of delight. Ah. A wedding proposal. How boring. He considered disemboweling the two right now, but decided that would give him away.

He heard the balcony doors open, and quickly dove off the wall, perching on a windowsill. Quietly, he listened in.

“... you certain you saw someone, Lord Hyness? Maybe it was Coo...”

“Zan Par, shh… Coo was inside...” Dark Meta Knight spread his wings and took to the air, and into Mt. Dedede’s shadow, to the south, where he wouldn’t be spotted.

* * *

1:29 AM

**Marx:**


	16. Stop! Hammer Time!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> escargoon just wants to feel useful, and kirby eats some upsetti spaghetti

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome to the next decade, everyone. shit's already fucked yo.
> 
> i did start a kirby-specific tumblr though. it's escargoon-sandwich.
> 
> also, it's taranza's birthday. happy birthday spider boy.

3:13 am

**Zan Partisan: ** I just want to date Bayonetta, is that a crime?

**Marx:** ma'am this is a taco bell

**Gooey:** ttttaaacccco?

**uwu:** okay, crisis averted

**Zan Partisan:** PMS cravings have been sated. For now.

**uwu:** i feel bad about waking zan up for this ;._.

**Zan Partisan:** She keeps saying sorry.

**Gryll:** you’re a great sister, zan

**Gryll:** you understand the siren call of borger at ungodly hours

**uwu:** she just wanted the pickles

**Zan Partisan: ** sshh

**Escargoon: ** Say, Zan, why don’t you ask this Bayonetta gal out?

**Marx: ** AAAAAAAAAAAA????

**Zan Partisan:** I can’t…

**Escargoon:** Not with that attitude!

**Zan Partisan:** Well, there’s a big reason why I can’t…

**Escargoon: ** oh god, she’s straight isn’t she

**Gryll:** god i sure HOPE not

**Zan Partisan:** ESCARGOON

**Zan Partisan: ** SHE’S FICTIONAL!!!!

**Escargoon: ** Oh, jeez.

**Escargoon:** That’s worse than straight.

**Gryll:** what kind of real life person would be named bayonetta??

**Escargoon: ** Come on, a name like that WOULDN’T be out of place in Kirby’s friend group!

**Escargoon:** For all I know, Gryll, that’s your middle name!

**Gryll: ** how do i legally change my middle name

**Gryll:** oh dang this ain’t google

**Escargoon:** just ask the king nicely he’ll do it

**Marx: ** hey snail boy shouldn’t you be in bed?

**Coo:** I caught him sleep-eating. It was cheesecake.

**Coo:** I didn’t want him to suffocate so I woke him up.

**Escargoon:** And then I nearly suffocated anyway.

**Escargoon:** If I’m sleep eating, though, it certainly explains why I’ve gained a few.

**Marx: ** you’re not pregnant?

**Escargoon: ** HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM???

**Marx:** you don’t want that answer

**Gooey:** iiiiiwanttaaaaaaaacoooooooo

* * *

9:00 AM

**Taranza: ** I found something interesting today!

**Kirby: ** oooh??? (*o*)

**Marx:** is it the seasons greetings book?

**Taranza:** No, but it’s got  **@Escargoon** ‘s name written on it.

**Taranza:** Quite literally.

**Marx:** huh?

**Big D:** Oh, if it’s what I think it is… that’s really good news!

**Escargoon:** Why was I pinged at this hour.

**Big D:** It’s nine.

**Escargoon:** I’m in the middle of vacuuming here!

**Kirby:** i’ll do it instead!!!

**Escargoon:** You’ll just eat the carpet!

**Kirby:** no i’ll eat the vacuum

**Big D:** You most certainly WILL NOT

**Big D:** Unless you’re planning on paying for it!

**Kirby:** … i’ll eat the duster?

**Big D:** better

**Escargoon: ** Fine, I’ll go to the library.

**Taranza:** I think you’ll like seeing this, anyway.

* * *

9:41 AM

**Taranza: ** Was I right? I was so right.

**Big D:** This is great news, though!

**Big D: ** I can finally get my mech hammer repaired!

**Kirby:** it’s broken?

**Big D:** It exploded, remember?

**Taranza: ** Which was… kind of my fault.

**Kirby:** oh yeeeeah, that’s right!

**Big D: ** Yeah, and Susie’s always all “what’s in it for me” when I ask her for anything.

**Gaylien:** you’re lucky she’s off doing business things right now or else she’d get mad at you for that

**Big D:** what’s she gonna do, shoot me?

**Taranza:** Yes.

**Big D:** so what

**Big D: ** if she wants to throw down she can throw down with me and my newly-repaired mech hammer

**Escargoon:** Not to pat my corpse on the back or anything, but…

**Escargoon: ** This is great stuff.

**Escargoon:** Where is it, Sire?

**Big D: ** hm?

**Escargoon:** The hammer.

**Big D:** Downstairs, in the vault.

**Big D:** The pieces of it, anyway.

**Escargoon: ** Thanks.

**Escargoon:** I’m gonna go survey the damage and see if I can do anything.

**Big D:** oh shit you’re going to do it?

**Big D:** thanks!

**Escargoon:** If I don’t come up for lunch have someone bring me something.

* * *

King Dedede  _ really  _ needed to get windows that didn’t open from the outside.

Dark Meta Knight knew  _ why _ the windows were like that - many of Kirby’s allies could fly, and the king preferred his windows intact instead of having someone smash through when they wanted in. Now, entering the castle during the day was risky business, so he was waiting for the changing of the guard.

It wasn’t like he was worried about losing a fight - especially against Waddle Dees that were so bundled up to protect them from the cold, they actually did waddle. It was more that a dismembered Waddle Dee would draw more suspicion then he’d like, and he was trying to keep a low profile. The less they suspected he was here, the better.

The sound of a whistle filled the air, and the Waddle Dees dropped their spears and marched off the walls. Perfect. Dark Meta Knight spread his wings and gracefully glided over to the snail’s window, opened it, and slipped inside before the next unit of guards arrived. Once the door was closed, he looked around. It was a simple guest room, with very little personalization - he must not have brought many things with him. A few framed pictures, a notebook lying on a desk… oh, and no snail.

Dark Meta Knight figured this would happen. That was fine, he wouldn’t expect the snail to be alone during the day anyway. He was here to gather how easy it would be to snatch him away here. It didn’t seem like there was a large enough mirror to drag him through…

His eyes fell on the notebook again. _ Hm… _ He opened it, preparing to read whatever inane thoughts the snail had written there. It seemed that there were only a few week’s worth of entries - the snail must have started writing recently.

Also, the entries didn’t seem like typical diary entries at all. He knew for certain that the snail sure wasn’t visiting a mysterious place full of fancy houses and nice gardens. He realized that this must be a dream journal, but why would he be keeping track of that? Dark Meta Knight skimmed over the most recent entry.

_ Dreamt about the woman and the man again tonight. This is the 4th time I’ve seen them. They said something to me but I can’t remember anything. Woman handed me a flower I don’t recognize, I’ll have to ask Taranza if he’s seen anything like it: _

_ I have things to do today however. I’ll get to it when I’m not busy. _

Hm. Dark Meta Knight had seen that flower, and knew exactly who they were associated with. He’d seen her with his own two eyes, through the mirror… and watched her fall.

If his little snail “friend” was speaking to the dead, well… Escargoon was probably of more use to him than he was to some oafish king. He shut the dream journal, and exited through the window again, then paused as he saw a person walking nearby. Dedede, with Kirby on his shoulder.

Dark Meta Knight dove behind a statue, and listened in. He noted the snow beneath his feet - hopefully he hadn’t left obvious marks.

“... I mean, I am a little worried about him.” Kirby mumbled from out of the king’s collar. “Don’t you think it’s a bit mean, putting him to work on that?”

“He wouldn’t take no for an answer, Kirby.” Dedede glanced at the frozen landscape ahead of them. 

Kirby let out a little sound of annoyance. “I mean, you could have tried! Just a little bit, even!”

“Yeah, but here’s the thing. I think he thinks he needs to… prove himself?” Dedede scratched his head. “He  _ knows _ he ain’t as strong as us.”

“Yeah, but… he doesn’t need to be.” Kirby shifted a bit. “I’m his friend, no matter how strong he is! And he’s the one who made the wish on the Nova!”

“Yeah, you’re right, but…” Dedede sighed. “I’m thinking of finding him something he can use to protect himself. In case I - er,  _ we _ can’t be there for him.”

“... Oh. I get it.” Kirby smiled mischievously. “You  _ like _ him, don’t you!”

“I-” The king looked indignant. “I like all my subjects.”

“Not the Scarfies, you hate those guys because they’re kind of jerks.” Kirby reminded him. “But I meant  _ like _ like! You know, how Magolor _ likes  _ Taranza!”

“Now, Kirby,” Dedede pried the puffball off his shoulder and dropped him in the snow, eliciting a tiny “poyo” of annoyance. “I’d expect  _ this  _ sorta teasin’ outta Marx. You lookin’ for a fight, boy?”

Kirby grinned. “Oh, you are  _ so _ on!” He made a snowball and promptly swallowed it, transforming into Ice Kirby. Dedede smirked back, slamming his hammer down with enough force to knock over the statue -  _ oh shit. _

Dark Meta Knight was out of there before the two combatants could do a thing about it.

* * *

3:02 PM

**Escargoon: ** Sire, why are we on lockdown?

**Kirby:** we saw dark meta knight!!!

**Escargoon: ** Oh SHIT

**Daddyroach:** uuugh WHAT DOES HE WAAANT

**Kirby:** maybe he wants to be friends again?

**Big D: ** With the way he ran off? Doubt it.

**Big D:** And he messed up big time the last time we saw him.

**Gaylien:** no offense dude

**Gaylien:** but a lot of us messed up and then became kirby’s friend

**Marx: ** but none of us messed up more than once, and i think that’s an important distinction

**Marx:** like, most of us realized the first time kirby kicked our ass

**Marx:** it’s better to be his friend than his enemy

**Kirby:** … do you think he doesn’t want to be my friend?

**Marx:** yeah, probably

**Marx:** you can’t be friends with everyone kirby

**Kirby:** i know, but… i think he’s kind of cool?

**Marx: ** oooh my god

**Marx:** you’re such a fool, kirby

**Kirby:** (ono)

**Marx: ** you can’t go making friends with people just because you think they’re cool

**Marx:** especially when they’ve proven they are, in fact, major douchenozzles

**Kirby: ** oh, like you???

**Gaylien: ** um

**Big D:** Kirby…

**Kirby: ** I HATE THE FACT THAT YOU’RE RIGHT, MARX!!!!

**Kirby: ** I HATE THAT I CAN’T BE FRIENDS WITH HIM!!!

**Kirby: ** I HATE THAT HALF THE REASON I MAKE FRIENDS IS THAT EVERYONE’S AFRAID OF ME!!

**Marx: ** kirby?

**Kirby:** i like giving people second chances but

**Kirby:** i’m always worried they’re afraid of what i’d do if they messed up again

**Kirby:** i want to genuinely be your friend, guys

**Kirby:** i wish somebody would say “i’m not afraid of you kirby” and mean it

**Kirby: ** just once

**Marx:** …

**B.Dee:** do you need a hug, buddy?

**Kirby:** i think

**Kirby:** i want to be left alone for a little while

* * *

4:18 PM

**Marx: @everyone** HAS ANYONE SEEN KIRBY

**Marx:** i upset him earlier and now i’m worried

**Borb:** He hasn’t made contact with anyone?

**Marx:** no

**B.Dee:** i asked everyone, and nobody’s seen him at all

**Marx:** meta knight i fucked up bad didn’t i

**Borb:** Stay calm, Marx.

**Borb:** I’ll start looking immediately.

**Marx:** okay thianks

**Marx:** i’m gonna go look too

**B.Dee:** i’ll help you!

* * *

6:22 PM

**Gaylien: ** still no sign of kirby?

**Marx:** we’ve looked everywhere

**Marx:** :(

**Zan Partisan:** We haven’t found him either.

**Ribbon:** usually he’d check in by now…

**Ribbon: ** i know that meta knight went to look for him when we couldn’t find him, but… i haven’t heard anything from him, either

**Marx:** god, i feel awful

**Marx:** he’s out there on his own… and i know he’s usually fine on his own, but

**Marx:** what if this is the one time he isn’t?

**Ribbon:** i don’t think it was your fault

**Ribbon:** i think kirby’s been holding that in for a while

**Marx:** … you think so?

**Ribbon: ** yeah

**Ribbon:** he’s always been a little scared people hate him, or are afraid of him

**Marx:** and yet he’s always so happy…

**Ribbon:** he smiles because he doesn’t want us to worry

**Marx: ** but it’s normal to worry about him, right? 

**Marx:** we’re his friends

**Ribbon: ** yeah

**Borb:** You need not worry anymore.

**Borb:** He’s calmed down.

**Marx:** YOU FOUND HIM????

**Kirby:** yeah

**Kirby:** i’m okay

**Kirby:** i’m sorry i yelled at you guys

**Marx:** kirby, i am 100% not mad at you 

**Kirby:** i know

**Kirby: ** but i made you worry

**Marx:** kirby, it’s okay

**Marx: ** i think it’s good that you told us those things

**Marx:** i, for one, am not afraid of you

**Marx:** and i’m sure lots of us feel the same way

**Kirby:** …

**Marx:** you don’t need to answer me if you don’t feel like it

**Ribbon:** kirby, you don’t need to face your problems alone.

**Marx:** we’re here for you, kirby. we’re your friends.

**Marx:** i’ll say it to your face if you need me to

**Kirby:** sorry i was overwhelmed for a bit

**Kirby:** but ok

**Kirby:** i’ll go back to dreamland

**Marx:** … where are you now?

**Prince Fluff: ** Patch Land.

**Prince Fluff:** Kirby asked me if there was a place he could be alone here, so I found him one.

**Marx: ** idk how to get there

**Marx:** but i will 100% go there if necessary

**Ribbon:** i will too!!

**Kirby:** there should be a magic sock at my house

**Marx: ** thanks

**Kirby: ** also, i thought about what you said

**Kirby:** about dark meta knight

**Marx:** yeah?

**Kirby: ** i think you’re right that i shouldn’t be friends with him

**Kirby:** as much as that sucks to say

**Kirby: ** but, there’s a much cooler meta knight that i’ve known for longer

**Kirby:** one who went looking for me when he learned i was missing

**Borb: ** Thank you.

**Marx: ** yeah

**Marx:** meta knight’s a pretty cool guy

* * *

9:50 PM

**Marx:** geez, kirby, no wonder you ran off here

**Marx:** entire place feels like a warm blanket :)

**Ribbon:** :)

**Borb:** :)

**Prince Fluff:** >:)

**Kirby:** (uwu)

**Big D:** Behold, the only valid uwu.

**Big D:** Other than nago’s

**uwu:** just @ me next time…

**Escargoon:** Good news, Sire.

**Escargoon: ** I think I may have gotten the engine in working condition.

**Big D:** May have?

**Escargoon:** I haven’t hooked the power source up yet.

**Tiff: ** You’re working on something mechanical again?

**Escargoon:** Yup! Feels good.

**Tiff:** And how late do you plan on staying up?

**Escargoon:** That’s none of your business.

**Tiff: ** Dedede?

**Big D: ** Yeah kiddo?

**Tiff:** Make sure he’s in bed at a reasonable hour. One time he stayed up three nights working on something, and I think he went insane for a short while.

**Escargoon: ** YOU’RE NOT MY MOMMA, TIFF

**Tiff: ** I’m sure she’d want you to get a good night’s sleep, too!

**Escargoon: ** How dare you…

**Escargoon: ** Shouldn’t you be in bed?

**Tiff:** Yeah, I should be… but Mom and Dad don’t know I have my phone.

**Kirby:** escargoon!!

**Kirby:** can i see???

**Escargoon: ** There’s also a chance it could explode, and I think the responsible thing to do is to not have other people in the room with me if it does.

**Kirby: ** no it’s not…

**Kirby:** what if you get hurt???

**Gaylien: ** not to worry, i’ll be in the room with him

**Gaylien:** whether he likes it or not

**Escargoon:** No.

**Gaylien: ** i have a fire extinguisher

**Escargoon:** … OKAY FINE

* * *

Dark Meta Knight was damn lucky it was dark down in the little workshop the snail had set up, and that he’d ended up down here after a few hours of dodging guards. It seemed like his luck had run out however.

Oh, everything had been going somewhat smoothly. Up until that damn wizard invited himself in, the snail had been alone. Gloriously alone. If he’d had an easy escape route, they’d be halfway to the Popopo Islands by now...

Damn it,  _ damn it, DAMN IT! _ He put his hand on the hilt of his sword, ready to slay that idiot wizard now, just for  _ pissing him off _ -

No. Not now. Magolor could easily kill him, too.

“Okay, I’ve got it hooked up. Ready?” the snail asked, looking up from whatever he was tinkering with.

“Yeah, hit it.”

“Alright, here goes.” The snail flipped a switch, causing the thing to roar to life, and shoot across the room…

Right at Dark Meta Knight. 

As it clanged against his mask, it was very, painfully obvious what it was supposed to be now. A mechanical, rocket-powered hammer. He yowled in pain, glaring at the two who were now staring at him… as parts of his mask slid off his face.  _ Again. _ “I’m leaving. You saw  _ nothing _ ,” he growled, feeling warmth spread through his cheeks. “If you know what’s good for you, don’t follow me.”

* * *

10:01 PM

**Gaylien:** LMAOOOOOOO

**Marx:** ???

**Gaylien:** GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS

**Gaylien:** BAD NEWS WE FOUND DMK

**Gaylien:** GOOD NEWS ESCARGOON LAUNCHED THE HAMMER AT HIS FACE BY ACCIDENT

**Big D:** DID YOU CATCH HIM???

**Escargoon:** no

**Escargoon:** he also almost killed me

**Big D: ** He did??

**Gaylien:** escargoon laughed so hard he choked

**Escargoon:** he has a kirby face!

**Tiff:** Yeah, i thought you knew?

**Escargoon:** all i could think of was “poyo”

**Borb:** Hm.

**Borb:** I’m noticing a small pattern here.

**Marx:** what pattern

**Borb: ** Well, to break Dark Meta’s mask, three things must be present.

**Borb:** A hammer belonging to the king.

**Borb:** Magolor.

**Borb: ** And somebody from your universe, Escargoon.

**Tiff:** … YOU’RE RIGHT!

**Tiff:** I was there the last time it broke!

**Escargoon: ** so what you’re saying is

**Escargoon: ** hang out with magolor and his majesty and I should be fine

**Borb: ** Dedede doesn’t need to be present.

**Borb: ** Just his hammer.

**Escargoon: ** Yeah, but that hammer’s mostly in his presence.

**Gaylien: @Taranza** babe i need to hang out with escargoon and dedede for safety purposes

**Escargoon: ** OH THAT’S RIGHT

**Escargoon:** I HAVE SOMETHING TO ASK TARANZA!

**Taranza:** Hmm?

**Escargoon:** Have you seen a flower like this before?

**Escargoon:**

** **

**Taranza: ** Oh, that’s a Dreamstalk flower.

**Escargoon:** Dreamstalk? Does it normally show up in dreams?

**Escargoon:** Because I’ve never seen it before in my life until last night, in my dream.

**Taranza:** Interesting...

**Escargoon:** A woman who looked like you gave it to me.

**Taranza:** …

**Taranza: ** I need to lay down.

  
  
  
  



	17. Dedede decides to go on Vacation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, though, it's still plot relevant

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry i am not d e a d, but school has started yet again

2:47 AM

** _Dream Chat._ **

**Escargoon:** so um

**Escargoon: @Taranza** is there a reason susie’s here?

**Taranza: ** She’s got a question for you.

**Taranza: ** Anyway...

**Taranza:** Did you speak to Her again?

**Escargoon:** I certainly had some words for her tonight.

**Escargoon: ** Now, remembering those words? That’s a different story.

**Taranza:** … I see.

**Escargoon:** I really hope I didn’t piss off your dead fiancee, because I did get kinda heated…

**Susie:** Escargoon?

**Susie:** I’m curious as to know if you’ve seen anyone else.

**Escargoon:** Currently, just a guy with a big purple mustache.

**Susie:** fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

**Susie: ** fuck fuck fuck

**Taranza:** Susie?

**Susie:** I’m…

**Susie:** Give me a moment.

**Escargoon:** … Shit, i talked to her dad didn’t i.

**Susie:** Possibly.

**Susie:** Wait, how did you know he was my father?

**Susie:** For all you know he could be my uncle or something.

**Escargoon: ** You mentioned a dead father back when Tiff and I showed up.

**Susie:** Right.

**Susie:**

** **

**Susie:** This is Max Profitt Haltmann.

**Escargoon: ** THAT’S HIS NAME???

**Susie:** Choose your next words carefully.

**Escargoon: ** I… definitely saw him.

**Susie:** … 

**Susie:** Okay.

**Susie:** So we need to figure out why my father and Sectonia chose to contact you.

**Escargoon:** Can we do that in the morning?

**Susie:** It is morning.

**Escargoon:** … Can we do it at a normal time?

**Susie: ** Fine.

**Susie: ** I doubt I’ll get any sleep though.

* * *

9:48 AM

** _Kirby’s Friends._ **

**Escargoon: ** So yeah, we’ve determined I talk to the dead.

**Escargoon:** I don’t understand a damn word I’m saying, though, and we’re trying to figure out why me in particular.

**Big D: ** Hmm…

**Big D:** I wonder if this has anything to do with you sleepwalking.

**Escargoon:** Probably.

**Borb:** If I may…

**Borb: ** This whole thing may stem from you being dead.

**Borb:** Well, your counterpart here anyway.

**Escargoon:** So I’m Shrodinger’s Snail?

**Borb:** I suppose you could put it that way.

**Borb:** Whether or not this presents more danger to you… that remains to be seen.

**Kirby:** spooky…

**Escargoon:** I actually feel great.

**Escargoon:** If anything, I’m in better health here than I was back home, though that might be due to less frequent beatings.

**Big D: ** Right…

**Marx:** you’re getting fat though

**Big D:** Ain’t nothing wrong with being fat, Marx.

**Escargoon:** Yeah, until I’m so much of a sausage I can’t fit in my shell!!

**Marx:** pfff

**Marx:** snausage (snail sausage)

**Kirby:** you’re a little calm today, marx

**Marx:** that’s because i’m in a place that feels like a warm fuzzy blanket

**Marx:** i’m sleepy :)

**Kirby:** go back to sleep then!!

**Marx:** okay

**Marx:** snzzzzzzzzz

* * *

12:43 PM

**Kirby:** we’re back!!

**Gooey:** hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

**Kirby:** hey!!

**Gooey:** goooooooooniiefiiiiniiishhedhammer

**Kirby:** oh what, really?

**Kirby:** i thought he was working on the other thing

**Gooey:** heeeeissssstaaaaaalanteeeeeeeeeeed

**Escargoon:** It didn’t take that much brainpower, Kirby, and besides, I had a helper.

**Gooey:** meeeeeeeeeeeeee 

**Escargoon:** I’m gonna get this on the cart so I can deliver it to his majesty.

**Big D:** NO YOU AIN’T

**Big D:** I’M COMING DOWN THERE TO GET MY HAMMER

**Escargoon:** Oh, if you insist, sire.

* * *

“Alright, Gooey, you done polishing that?” Escargoon watched as the little blob rubbed the head of the hammer with a rag stuck on the end of his tongue. Gooey turned and gave a little “ye.” Poor Gooey couldn’t speak very well, and was for the most part non-verbal - which would happen if you didn’t have a solid mouth to form words with!

Still, Escargoon adored the little guy. He kind of reminded him of the Kirby back home, only more adorable for some reason. He hadn’t quite put his finger on why he found Gooey so cute. He just did.

“Okay! His majesty’s gonna be here any minute, so stay out of his way.” Escargoon turned to put a few tools away, then felt something hit his shell. He froze - _ what if it cracked? Could he get it fixed here? _ \- and quickly looked behind him to find Gooey hitching a ride. “Hey, warn me when you do that, alright?”

“Saw-ree.” Gooey extended his tongue to pat Escargoon on the eyestalk. If it had been anyone else, he’d have been extremely grossed out, but hey, Gooey didn’t have hands! What else was he supposed to do?

The door swung open, and Escargoon jumped back, drawing his hands close to his chest. The king was there, excitement visible in his every motion. “Oh- _ hooo _ , there it is…” he crooned, stepping forward towards the massive mechanical hammer.

“Sire, wait - that thing weighs… oh my…”

Escargoon watched as Dedede lifted up the hammer - that weighed half a ton, easily - like it was  _ nothing _ and swung it over his shoulder. He grinned down at Escargoon and Gooey. “Come on, let’s go give this thing a test-run.” The king chuckled and dashed out the door, and Escargoon scurried to keep up.

“Sire, hold on!” Escargoon panted, as Gooey bounced up and down on his shell. “Just one wrong move with that hammer, and your entire castle will be down around your ears! And I really don’t wanna set up my room again!”

“Oh, don’t worry about that, Goonie!” Dedede crowed. “I know where to use it!”

“G-goonie?” Escargoon hadn’t been expecting the nickname to catch on. He’d mostly thought it up because it was easier for Gooey to type. Hearing Dedede say it was… interesting.

“That’s your nickname, right? I saw Gooey there calling you it.”

“I -” Was he really okay with the king calling him something affectionate? The other Dedede sometimes called him by pet names too… but that was in the past. He guessed it was okay if it wasn't used in a mocking manner. “Yeah, it’s fine. Anyway, where are you taking it?”

“Right here!” The king swung open the door, and - was that a  _ boxing ring _ _?_ With a  _ steel cage _ suspended over it? And _ grandstands _ ? “I can really let loose in here!” Within the ring, a bunch of Waddle Dees were laying out watermelons and pumpkins, and Dedede easily vaulted the ropes and landed with a thud. The Waddle Dees scattered to the stands, and Escargoon decided to take a seat, setting Gooey down beside him.

The fruit didn’t stand a snowflake’s chance in the desert - and unfortunately, Escargoon had sat himself in the splash zone. Luckily, a Waddle Dee with an umbrella had sat down in front of him, and happily provided a canopy. He squinted through the rain of fruit gore, and watched as the king pulverized produce - who needed a food processor when you had one big dude with a hammer?

Speaking of which… Dedede was glistening with fruit juice now, and his coat had slipped a bit. He flung that aside - probably to keep that from getting dirty - baring his arms, which jiggled each time he slammed the hammer down, along with the rest of his body…

Escargoon hadn’t noticed he’d been staring for a while now, his mouth agape until he got a chunk of watermelon directly to the piehole. He chewed it while puzzling over why he reacted that way, even though he knew exactly why.

He wasn’t stupid.

He knew he was falling in love again.

Escargoon had known, both back home and here, that falling in love with your employer wasn’t a good idea. And yet here he was, doing it anyway,  _ again _ , like a massive idiot. He knew he had little to no chance with Dedede - all the money to his name came directly from the king, and he had nothing else to offer, besides himself.

Escargoon doubted the king would want a middle-aged snail with a sleepwalking problem.

The door to the royal rumble room opened up, just a crack, and Meta Knight stepped inside. “Sire, there’s two visitors to the castle who would like to interview you. Taranza and I vetted them. They seem safe, but we’ll have Bandanna Dee with you during it.”

Dedede wiped slop from his brow, blinking in confusion. “Oh, shit, I wasn’t expectin’ visitors… Escargoon!”

Escargoon jumped, despite himself. “Yes, your majesty?”

“Can you keep ‘em busy while I take a shower?”

“Of course, your majesty!” He pushed down the thought that he’d do anything for Dedede, and glanced down at Gooey. “Come on, Gooey, you can help out.”

* * *

1:13 PM

**Ribbon:** so what’s going on??

**Borb:** Tourism guide writers.

**B.Dee:** they write the fancy-ebba ones

**Susie:** Oh, those guys.

**Susie:** They’re quite well-known in the travel business.

**Borb:** Why, Susie, I wasn’t aware that HWC is involved in tourism.

**Susie:** We’re not, but we got a lot of complaints from them during the mechanization project.

**Susie:** Which were 100% valid. I actually just settled a lawsuit from an interplanetary hotel chain because we destroyed a couple of resorts.

**Susie:** They’re probably gonna use that money to build a hotel on Halcandra. I saw their plans for it.

**Gaylien:** lol good luck with that, nerds

**Gaylien:** if landia doesn’t fuck up your construction site the actual halcandrans probably will

**Gaylien:** ever since a certain… incident… apparently they’ve been big on the “NOBODY BUT HALCANDRANS ON HALCANDRA” thing someone proposed when i was really little

**Gaylien:** and who would want to visit a fiery hell pit of a planet anyway?

**Sword Lesbian:** that actually sounds kinda rad

**Gaylien:** shh berge, it’s full of homophobes

**Borb:** Is the dragon homophobic?

**Gaylien:** no

**Gaylien:** landia doesn’t like me but it’s not because i’m gay

**Sword Lesbian:** then me and landia can team up against the homophobes

**Borb:** I will assist you.

**Ribbon:** i will too!!!

**Adeleine:** ARE WE BEATING UP HOMOPHOBES?

**Sword Lesbian:** hell yeah it’s gaycandra now

**Sword Lesbian:** no homophobes allowed

**B.Dee: ** landia should destroy a homophobe ON SIGHT

**Gaylien: ** someone who’s not in hot water with the dragon go suggest that to them

**B.Dee:** oh brb, the king’s asking me to help Escargoon set up a guest room.

**Ribbon:** they don’t want separate ones?

**B.Dee:** i think they’re a couple?

**Ribbon:** oh!!! That would make sense.

**Susie:** Hm, Dedede’s running low on guest rooms, isn’t he?

**Borb:** Indeed, considering we all have our own separate rooms for when we visit.

**Gaylien:** i gave mine up a while ago, tho

**Gaylien:** like, before i started dating taranza even

**Gaylien:** i could just park the lor and sleep there

**Big D:** i’m just going to build a whole guest wing for my castle

**Marx:** it’s called the dungeon

**Big D:** no that’s your room

**Tiff:** What about the room I used?

**Big D:** I kept that how you left it

**Tiff:** … Why?

**Big D:** in case you came back

**Tiff:** Aww!

**Marx:** HEY SPEAKING OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS THOUGH

**Marx:** REMEMBER WHEN I NAMED MY D&D CHARACTER BRICK SHITHOUSE

**B.Dee:** brick outhouse in polite company!

**Marx:** YEAH

**Marx:** I JUST FOUND HIS CHARACTER SHEET GUYS

**Marx:** HE DIED AND Y’ALL GAVE A HEARTWARMING EULOGY TO BRICK SHITHOUSE

**Zan Primadonnagirl:** You named him WHAT

**Marx:** girl look what you named yourself lmao

**Zan Primadonnagirl:** I couldn’t think of one today so I let Franny pick.

**Marx:** valid

**Ribbon: ** i cried when brick died…

**Marx:** i did too honestly

**Marx:** brick was a good lad, even if he was a himbo

**Taranza:** He’s in the big brick shithouse in the sky now.

* * *

3:24 PM

**Big D:** So um, those guys brought up something weird about the Popopo islands?

**Daddyroach:** Huh?

**Big D: ** Apparently some weird… visual distortions have been showing up?

**Big D:** There’s been reported sightings of the Skull Gang, too, but no visual evidence yet.

**Daddyroach:** Hm. This isn’t good.

**Big D:** … How’s everyone feel about going somewhere warmer?

**Daddyroach:** You are NOT.

**Big D: ** I am.

**Borb:** Dedede, no.

**Big D:** DEDEDE YES

**Borb:** This is why we didn’t last.

**Big D:** um

**Big D:** can we not bring this up in a public chat

**Borb:** … Oh.

**Borb:** I am deeply sorry, Dedede.

**Marx: ** yooooo you and dedede were dating at one point?

**Borb:** Marx. Drop this.

**Marx:** yo chill, if anything you’re missing out now dawg

**Big D:** It’s in the past. Drop it.

**Marx:** i

**Marx:** okay

**Gryll:** yo what are ya’ll doin’

**Gryll:** i’m out here trying to find a good tree

**Kirby:** did you meet whispy???

**Gryll:** yeah, but he didn’t let me take a branch.

**Kirby:** huh?

**Kirby: ** don’t hurt whispy, gryll!!

**Gryll:** i’m not lmao

**Gryll: ** i’m making a back-up broom, but i need a good branch to do it with

**Gryll:** and if the tree doesn’t want me using the branch, it won’t work at all

**Marx:** you know i think i get it

**Marx:** i wouldn’t want anyone flying around on a piece of my body they ripped off

**Gryll:** exactly!

**Kirby:** you know, i think we’re going to popopo soon?

**Kirby:** so maybe you can ask the trees there!

**Gryll:** hmm, that’s not a bad idea at all.

**Gryll:** they say the popopo islands used to be close to the gates of the underworld, so the trees might be really magical there.

**Daddyroach:** .... Yeah. I think you’re on the money.

**Kirby:** dedede can we take gryll with us? ****

* * *

5:32 PM

** _Meta Knight_ ** _ is talking to  _ ** _Dedede_ ** _ ! _

**Meta Knight:** So it’s decided then?

**Dedede:** yeah

**Dedede:** we head out tomorrow morning

**Dedede:** me, kirby, gryll, goonie and those tourist guide people, who i’m letting stay at the resort for free

**Dedede:** Taranza’s coming, too, and susie said she’s going to meet with daroach first before heading in.

**Dedede:** marx has not given me a straight answer, but i assume he’s coming, and adeline, i think, is a given considering she’s daroach’s kid, so ribbon can't be far behind

**Meta Knight:** Then I will stay and protect your kingdom.

**Meta Knight:** Also… about earlier.

**Dedede:** oh my god, meta

**Dedede:** if you try to ask me out to apologize, AGAIN, it’s a no

**Meta Knight:** I simply wanted to apologize. No asking out.

**Dedede:** okay

**Dedede:** getting together again… i don’t think our friendship would last if we broke up

**Dedede:** which  _ would  _ happen.

**Meta Knight:** Oh?

**Dedede:** I… think i have feelings for someone else?

**Meta Knight:** Ah. I see.

**Meta Knight:** Well, I wish you the best of luck, both in the Islands and figuring out your feelings.

**Dedede:** Thank you, Meta.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brick shithouse was a half-orc fighter/bard, if you were wondering.


	18. the chapter with bedsharing in it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gang Investigates the Pupupu Islands, and some shippy stuff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was going to be out by valentine's day, but... oops

_ 3:31 AM _

** _Zan’s trip buddies_ **

**Marx:** yo i got my shit packed like a pipe bowl

**Gryll:** damn that sounds like a good idea lmao

**Marx: ** what, weed?

**Gryll: ** yeah

**Marx:** would you believe me if i told you i never smoked a weed

**Gryll:** … yes

**Marx:** really?

**Marx: ** i’m curious as to why you’d say that

**Gryll:** weed isn’t for everyone, it can have adverse effects on people with mental illnesses

**Marx: ** especially undiagnosed mfs like meeeee!

**Zan Bam Thank You Ma’am:** CAN YOU TWO GO TO FUCKING SLEEP ALREADY??

**Marx: ** zan i just got everything packed in my luggage

**Zan Bam Thank You Ma’am: ** You? Have luggage?

**Marx:** yes i own a suitcase

**Zan Bam Thank You Ma’am:** Where the hell do you keep that?

**Marx:** oh, you know

**Zan Bam Thank You Ma’am:** NO I DO NOT

**Marx:** :)

* * *

_ 6:00 AM _

** _NIGHTMARE CAN EAT THE FATTEST PART OF MY ASS SQUAD_ **

**Spinni:** yo boss has nightmare eaten fat ass yet

**Daddyroach: ** Alas, he has lost his ability to eat ass. Because he’s dead.

**Borb:** We need to change that, don’t we.

**Escargoon: ** DO NOT RESURRECT HIM!

**Borb: ** Relax. I’m not going to.

** _Borb_ ** _ has changed the name of the chat to  _ ** _Kirby’s Friends._ **

**Spinni:** you know this used to be our chat

**Borb:** I’m pretty sure Kirby considers your group to be friends.

**Spinni:** does he???

**Spinni: @Kirby**

**Kirby:** yup!!!

**Spinni:** ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ <3

**Big D: ** Alright, Lor’s leaving in five, Kirby, and I don’t see your butt around.

**Kirby:** i’m going on the warpstar!

**Big D: ** You can’t sleep on the warpstar.

**Kirby: ** that’s fine! i can sleep when i get there!

**Tiff: ** You’re going somewhere?

**Kirby: ** yeah, to the popopo islands!

**Kirby:** but it’s not a vacation, even though we’re staying at a nice hotel!

**Daddyroach: ** At least that ugly candy castle’s not around anymore.

**Big D:** okay LISTEN

**Big D: ** sometimes you have the impulse to build a castle out of candy, alright?

**Daddyroach:** And destroy important ecological areas while you’re at it?

**Tiff: ** you did WHAT????

**Tiff: ** DEDEDE HOW COULD YOU????????

**Big D:** It’s not something I’m proud of, Tiff.

**Big D: ** I’ve dedicated a massive amount of my wealth to restoring those areas, and if I’m not too wrapped up in this Skull Gang business, I’m going to volunteer to help in person.

**Big D: ** I know my impulsive decisions can be destructive, and I’m trying to fix what I can.

**Daddyroach: ** There’s only so much one person can do though, even if he’s a king, I guess.

**Tiff: ** Yeah…

**Daddyroach: ** I’m sorry for sniping at you, D.

**Big D: ** It’s fine.

**Big D: ** I’m on better meds now anyway.

**Gaylien:** if we’re done talking about dedede’s old man pills, can we go?

**Big D: ** I am NOT THAT OLD!

* * *

_ 7:36 AM _

** _Taranza _ ** _ has added 4 people to the chat  _ ** _EMERGENCY!!!!_ **

**Susie: ** WHAT HAPPENED??

**Taranza: ** I think Magolor just proposed?

**Susie: ** What do you mean  _ think _ ?

**Escargoon: ** Oh, is that why you got so flustered when he gave you that key thing?

**Meta Knight: ** I received one last night, Taranza.

**Taranza: ** … oh

**Susie: ** Slow down. What's this key thing?

**Taranza: ** an activation key for the lor starcutter. 

**Taranza:** without one, it doesn't go anywhere.

**Susie:** Ah, so that's why I couldn't get it to take off.

**Meta Knight:** Susie…

**Taranza:** sorry for the false alarm

**Taranza:** i thought it was something irreplaceable…

**Taranza:** i guess it's too early in our relationship for him to propose, though

**Daroach:** Say… the only requirement of a proposal gift is that it's irreplaceable?

**Taranza:** yes

**Daroach:** So Magolor himself would count as one, wouldn't he?

**Taranza: ** that's very romantic, but unfortunately the suitor doesn't count.

**Meta Knight: ** Careful there, Daroach. You'll have Susie falling into your arms.

**Susie:** … 

**Meta Knight:** Is something the matter?

**Susie: ** I already did.

**Taranza:** ah

**Taranza:** so THAT’S why you wanted to meet up with him

**Susie:** It’s nothing too serious. I have a similar arrangement with Flamberge.

**Escargoon:** AH HA

**Escargoon: ** MARX OWES ME 100 BUCKS NOW

**Escargoon: ** Also, why did you add this mix of people, Taranza.

**Taranza: ** I trust most of you.

**Taranza: ** And then there’s Daroach, who has experience in love.

**Daroach: ** You know what? Your concerns about me are valid.

* * *

_ 8:00 am _

**Big D:** Alright, everyone, I got the room keys.

**Gaylien:** yooo they handed me a free drink coupon right when i came in

**Big D:** …

**Big D:** I need someone to confiscate Marx’s drink coupon.

**Marx:** don’t worry i don’t got an id

**Marx:** not even a fake one

**Marx:** also i took a bite out of my coupon to establish dominance, so i don’t think they can accept it anymore

**Kirby:** oh is that why? i thought you were just hungry.

**Taranza:** I’d say it worked. I’ve never seen a more terrified Waddle Dee in my life.

**Gaylien:** … Dedede.

**Big D: ** Yes?

**Gaylien:** why is there a heart on my room key

**Big D:** :)

**Gaylien: ** did you get us the freaking honeymoon suite?????

**Kirby:** but you’re not married! that room’s only for married people!

**Taranza:** You really didn’t need to do that. 

**Gaylien:** no no this is fine babe

**Big D:** I’d figure you’d appreciate your privacy.

**Taranza: ** I’m not going to spend the whole time here with my boyfriend! I have things to do!!!

**Taranza: ** I’m going to trade with the tourist guide writers, they’re dating.

**Big D:** Bold of you to assume there’s not more than one honeymoon suite.

**Taranza:** I’m not going to win this, am I?

**Big D:** If I told you it’s because they’re almost out of rooms, would you be more fine with it?

**Big D: ** This is a very popular time to go somewhere warmer, and this was the only hotel that allowed children, and has accommodations for Kirby’s appetite.

**Escargoon: ** Don’t forget, sire, that they were willing to let you book rooms the night before.

**Big D:** That too.

**Taranza:** I… actually am more fine with that.

**Zan Parthenon:** Help

**Susie:** ??

**Zan Parthenon: ** I already spent money

**Susie: ** on what?

**Zan Parthenon:** i bought a sundress… changed into it right in the hotel store’s bathroom…

**uwu:** zan!!!!

**uwu: ** you can’t just say something like that and not post pictures!!!

**Zan Parthenon: ** i didn’t take any

**Gryll: ** it is a really good dress though, it’s got sunflowers on it!

**Kirby:** aww!

**Kirby:** zan! we can go to the beach and you can show off your new dress!

**Big D:** Yeah, you can go play while I get my stuff unpacked.

**Big D:** I’ll let you know when we’re ready to go check things out.

* * *

_ 11:23 AM _

**Daddyroach:** Alright, a couple squeakers found a distortion down near one of the non-public beaches.

**Daddyroach:** Do you want to investigate that one?

**Big D:** Yeah, sounds good.

**Big D: ** I’ll go get Goonie.

**Daddyroach: ** You sure?

**Taranza:** His condition may help us cast insight into what this is.

**Taranza:** Hopefully, this is nothing, but there were two more reports of Skull Gang activity this morning.

**Daddyroach:** Alright, but we’ll have to keep an eye on him.

**Big D:** guys

**Big D:** i can’t do it

**Big D: ** i can’t wake escargoon up

**Taranza: ** ?

**Taranza:** Is everything okay?

**Kirby:** is he hurt???

**Big D:**

** **

**Big D: ** i can’t wake him up

**Big D:** not when he’s like this

**Kirby:** awww!

**Taranza:** oh noooooooo

**Daddyroach:** you gotta

**Daddyroach: ** I wish it wasn’t true, but you’ve got to.

**Big D:** alright

**Big D: ** I’ll explain why i woke him up…

* * *

Daroach looked behind him, frowning. The group they’d gathered to investigate the distortion was on the small side… but it was still quite a few people. Seven people, he felt, were enough to draw attention, even if two were small orbs. Seven was also a lucky number, though, and the king had asked those tourist guide people to help distract the civilians from following them.

But here they were, their group of seven, and examining the distortion. It was… odd. Like some sort of dark stain hanging in the air. Daroach felt his fur prick up - it reminded him of that  _ thing _ that had used his body as a vessel… and from what he could tell, nobody else was exactly keen on touching it either. He set about casing the area - a few rocks beyond the shoreline, a small cave to their right...

_ Oh. Oh no. _ Kirby was charging right at the distortion, though, bless Taranza’s heart, he was trying to keep Kirby back. Once Kirby had his mind set on something, though, it could be very, very hard to get him to stop, and before Daroach could get his claws on the Triple Star, Kirby had launched himself on through.

Kirby hit the sand, on his back, staring at the sky. “Kirby? Kirby, answer me!” Taranza cried as he rushed forward and toppled into the distortion, and fell into a similar state.

Daroach immediately rushed into action. “Stay back, guys!” he barked, teleporting across the beach. 

“What do you mean, stay back?” Susie shouted. “You’re not safe there either - hey!” Dedede had nabbed her and was holding her back. “Let go!” she cried as she beat her fists against the king’s belly.

“Susie, Daroach can teleport - and he’s the only one here who can do that, okay?” Dedede chided. Susie seemed to accept this, lowering her fists to her sides. “Alright, get ‘em out of there, Daroach.”

“Right.” Daroach turned back to his targets, trying to figure out how to extract Kirby and Taranza from this situation. As he circled the distortion and approached the two lying in the sand, he felt a weird urge to stick his hand into the stain in the air. He wondered if this was the same sort of thing where you got the urge to jump from an extreme height, or something more. Something supernatural.

He reached for Kirby and flinched as he touched the normally warm flesh… and everything warped around him.

Daroach didn’t remember teleporting about twenty or so feet above the beach - and when did it get this cloudy? - but he couldn’t move. Or rather, he didn’t  _ want _ to move. Something was stopping him from wanting that.

The person looked like Dedede… but it wasn’t. He wore a coat of silver, lined with fluffy fur, and a bo-staff was clutched in his hand. He was also more slender than Dedede, too. Maybe this was another universe’s Dedede? 

“Well, well…” Daroach recognized that voice, though not at that sort of timbre… his breath caught in his throat as another person emerged, from the small cave he’d noticed earlier. He recognized that hat, with its magnificent plume… those scars… that coat she wore as a cape...

_ This was his mom. _

“I didn’t expect to see you around anytime soon, Bebebe. How’s the wife?” Vicenza purred. This was… weird. Daroach had never heard his mom be _ sultry _ , and he didn’t like this. _At all._ “Does she know you’ve run off to see me?” Behind her, another familiar face appeared, though he was way younger - Doc, and then another male mouse, one he didn’t recognize.

Whoever Bebebe was, he smirked at Vicenza. “Don’t be ridiculous - I have a son, remember?”

“Oh, I do… he’s why you ran away.” Vicenza leaned against a nearby rock. “But you came back. I don’t suppose it’d have anything to do with the lovely weather we’ve been having?”

“... I heard. About strange occurrences… the weird death cult growing more active…” Bebebe clutched his staff. “As far as I’m concerned, they’ll get nowhere near Dreamland.”

“Is _that_ your kingdom, now? Does my Bebebe fancy himself a king?” Vicenza suddenly darted forward, drawing a dagger from her cape. Bebebe, in turn, pushed his staff forward, blocking her swing.

He grinned. “Oh, Vicenza… I missed the way you flirt.” He leaned past the staff, kissing her on the snout -

_ “Daroach!” _

\- the two other mice ran forward now, to back Vicenza up as she -

_ “Taranza, wake up!” _

\- Bebebe, in turn, called in his own reinforcements as the sky suddenly grew dark -

_ “Please, Kirby!” _

\- the two turning to face where Daroach was watching from as a skeletal hand reached down -

A splash of salt water suddenly hit Daroach in the face. He spluttered and wiped the stinging water out of his eyes as he sat up. “Gh…” Gooey was staring at him, a bit of water dribbling from a scared-looking frown. “It’s alright. I’m… I think I’m awake.”

Beside him, Susie sighed in relief. “Oh, thank god… your bodies, they were ice cold…” She hugged him, tight, and Daroach looped a paw around her shoulder. “We were worried you wouldn’t make it.”

Daroach glanced around. He realized that they’d jury-rigged some sort of rope out of thick strands of seaweed - Dedede was soaked and wringing out his hat, probably from retrieving the stuff, and had probably lassoed them away from the distortion that way. In fact, there were strands of seaweed wrapped around his foot now, that he picked off. 

God, he was  _ freezing,  _ though, to the point that it hurt \- so Daroach cuddled Susie closer, wrapping her in his cape - he could feel her shudder at his touch, though. Lucky little Kirby had been swaddled up in Dedede’s coat, and Taranza had made himself some sort of blanket of web. “Okay -” Daroach rasped. “Did… did you two see my mom?”

* * *

_ 2:48 PM _

**Taranza: ** So.

**Taranza: ** I think we need to discuss what we saw.

**Kirby: ** i think Dedede’s dad was cheating with Daroach’s mom…

**Adeleine:** Wait, _ what _ ?

**Taranza:** Kirby, that’s not important.

**Big D: ** … My mom never told me how my dad died. I think I’m starting to realize why.

**Big D:** You guys say you saw a skeletal hand reaching down?

**Daddyroach:** Yeah, but it wasn’t Tornadopants McNightmare.

**Big D: ** How can you be so sure?

**Kirby:** … dedede

**Kirby: ** maybe it’s necrodeus?

**Big D:** … Crud.

**Taranza: ** I think we were watching through Necrodeus’s eyes.

**Taranza: ** Daroach, did your mother ever talk to you about Necrodeus?

**Daddyroach:** Yeah, but like, as legends and stuff. She never said anything about having contact with the bastard.

**Daddyroach: ** Neither did Doc, so I’ll have to ask him later when I’m not freezing.

**Taranza:** Curious…

**Big D:** My dad never said anything about him either. Not that I can remember, but he died when I was eight.

**Daddyroach: ** Your dad did mention a death cult…

**Big D: ** Oh yeah?

**Taranza:** I think if the Skull Gang shows up, we should keep a closer eye on them.

**Adeleine:** I wish Flamberge came with us, she’d make it easier to warm you guys up.

**Sword Lesbian:** sorry kid, i wish i went too, but hyness asked me to stay and help him check on void

**Hyness:** i am sorry i can't help but feel anxious every time something strange happens

**Sword Lesbian:** nah you're completely in the right

**Adeleine:** I tried experimenting with making sweaters but they’re all scratchy.

**Taranza: ** I left my nice wool yarn at home, too ::/

**Taranza** : I’d make sweaters out of my acrylics, but those would be scratchy too.

**Adeleine:** … Acrylics, huh…

**Adeleine:** I’d switch to oils and see what happens, but those take forever to dry…

**Taranza:** I mean, we should be fine.

**Kirby:** dedede got me a big mug of hot cocoa and his coat, so i’m good!

**Taranza:** I just visited the sauna.

**Marx:** … yo i was gonna ask if anyone wants to go out with Gryll, zan and me to go find a nice tree but

**Marx:** looks like we’ve got some shit to deal with

**Daddyroach:** No, that’s good, Marx.

**Marx: ** huh?

**Daddyroach:** Keep your eyes peeled. If you see someone from the skull gang, you tell us right away.

**Daddyroach: ** I’m sending out a few more squeakers to patrol the island we’re on right now.

**Big D:** Good idea.

**Marx:** you know what’s also a good idea?

**Marx:** dropping a link to my dabby/gollem fanfic

**Adeleine: ** MARX???

**Big D: ** NO

**Escargoon: ** DABBY???

**Escargoon:** YOU MEAN THE ELF FROM PAPPY POTTEY?

**Marx:** THE VERY SAME

**Escargoon: ** AND THE WEIRDO FROM LORD OF THE THINGS?

**Marx:** YUP

**Escargoon:** oh i gotta see this

**Big D:** NO YOU DON’T

* * *

_ 8:27 PM _

**Escargoon: ** okay good news and bad news

**Escargoon:** Bad news is that coo’s not here to wake me up if I sleepwalk.

**Escargoon: ** Good news is that thanks to marx, that’s not an issue tonight.

**Marx: ** that’s a good review if I ever saw one.

**Marx:** also i think it’s dope my phone works out here in the middle of fucking nowhere

**Gryll:** we’re going to camp out for the night, since i haven’t found my tree yet

**Gryll:** if you don’t hear from us by noon, assume the worst happened

**Daddyroach:** I’ve got some bad news too - Doc remembers nothing about Necrodeus, other than the more recent incident.

**Daddyroach:** His memory isn’t what it used to be… but like, this was something huge.

**Daddyroach:** I've been asking my siblings about mom and Necrodeus, but they pretty much know what I know.

**Big D: ** You can sleep with me, Escargoon.

**Daddyroach: ** uh

**Daddyroach:** i think you meant for that to be private my man

**Gryll:** um????

**Marx:** I’M SORRY????

**Escargoon:** AKLSJKLJDSKJAKLKKLJDSJK

**Big D: ** I MEAN IN MY BED

**Big D:** HE CAN SLEEP IN MY BED

**Gaylien: ** oh sshiiit yooo

**Gaylien:** GET IT GOONIE

**Big D:** IT’S NOT LIKE THAT

**Gaylien:** ………..unless?

**Gooey:** caaaaaaaaniiiiisleeeeeeeepwithgooooooonie

**Gaylien: ** idk can yiuhfdsffsfds

**Gaylien:** This is Taranza. Magolor is going to sleep off his rainbow cocktails before he regrets anything he sends in chat.

**Big D:** right, you and susie gave him your drink coupons

**Gaylien: ** A decision I’m now regretting.

**Gaylien:** … I’ll talk to you later. Magolor wants a bath, so I should supervise him.

**Big D:** anyway

**Big D:** Both you and Escargoon can sleep in my bed, Gooey.

**Gooey:** ?

**Big D: ** See, I figure if he gets up, I’ll know instantly.

**Escargoon:** yeah that makes sense… but you got me my own room and everything…

**Big D: ** I mean

**Big D: ** If you really don’t want to sleep in my bed it’s okay…

**Escargoon:** No, I do want to sleep with you!

**Marx: ** WOW

**Escargoon:** I MEAN IN THE SAME BED

**Ribbon:** i heard Daroach scream-laugh and now i see why…

**Ribbon: ** you two should just kiss and get it over with

**Big D:** .

**Marx: ** RIBBON I’M GOING TO PISS

**Ribbon:** okay, don’t fall in!

**Zan Parthenon: ** I think Marx scared all the local wildlife away with his laughing. Thanks, Ribbon. We don’t have to hide our food now.

**Ribbon:** oh, i guess that’s good!

**Kirby:** i heard yelling??? what’s happening?

**Kirby:** who should kiss?

**Kirby:** oh! i see, and i agree with you ribbon

**Big D:** KIRBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

* * *

Escargoon, quite frankly, was quaking in his shell. He’d be lucky to get some sleep, even if Gooey was wedged between him and the king.

Behind him, he heard Gooey’s bubbly snores, and the king’s breathing.  _ I’m not going to look at him. That’s just going to make things worse _ , Escargoon thought as he hugged a pillow close to his chest, trying to ignore the ache growing there.  _ Maybe it’s just heartburn. Yeah, I ate a lot of that tempura sushi tonight, that’d do it. _

Dedede shifted, tugging a bit of the topsheet off of Escargoon - it was much too warm here for the comforter, or for the king’s big fluffy coat. It was definitely why he was sweating so much, right? It had nothing to do with Dedede being  _ right there _ -

_ Don’t look. If you look at him, it’s all over. _

Dedede cleared his throat. “... Hey. Escargoon.”

_ Don’t. Look! _ “Y-yeah, Sire?” He hoped the quake in his voice didn’t betray him.

“Um… About earlier…”

“You mean on the beach, Sire?”

“No, um. What Ribbon said. About us.”

Escargoon froze. “Oh… yeah. That.” He hugged the pillow tighter, resisting the urge to turn and look…

“I… well, I wanted to know how you felt about it.” Dedede’s hand was suddenly on his shoulder.

“Uh… about what Sire? Us kissing?”  _ Don’t turn around, don’t turn around... _

“Yeah… that.” Dedede’s hand slipped away. “I… would you be okay with it?”

“I - what?” Escargoon sputtered. “Your majesty, I…” He hesitated, then allowed himself a tiny peek. Dedede was staring right at him, hand clutched to his chest, a look of… worry on his face? “... Why?”

“Wh-what do you mean why?” Dedede frowned, confusion painted over his face.

“I mean… why me? Why would you kiss _ me _ , of all people?” The dull ache pounded in Escargoon’s chest as he glanced away.

“I, well…” Dedede paused. “I…” Escargoon heard him roll over, and heard Dedede yell into a pillow.  _ Wait, no way… _

_ Did the king like him too? _

Escargoon turned over, and gently prodded Gooey awake. “Hey little guy. ‘Y mind movin’?”

Gooey issued a little “mmm” and scooted towards the foot of the bed, quickly heading off to snoozeville again. Now there was nothing between Escargoon and Dedede, except for a small tangle of sheets. He inched closer, putting a hand on the king’s shoulder. “Are you okay, Sire?”

Dedede peered out of the pillow’s depths. “‘M fine. I…” The king slowly sat up, and grabbed Escargoon by the shoulders. “I… I think I like you, Escargoon.  _ That’s _ why I’d kiss you.”

Almost immediately, Escargoon felt tears well up in his eyes, and his cheeks heat up. The king was confessing to _ him! _ This wasn’t how it was supposed to go! He had figured he’d be keeping his feelings painfully secret until he died alone... “I… your majesty… I don’t… you can’t like me, I’m awful …”

“No, Goonie, you aren’t - ”

“I… I sat by as he almost killed _ children _ , Dedede. He’s tried to kill Tiff just because she got in the way… I would have let that happen…”

Dedede’s grip tightened. “... He was willing to kill  _ kids _ ?”

Escargoon merely nodded, letting his tears fall. “And I woulda cheered him on… just ‘cause I wanted him to like me… or at least hurt me less...” He let loose a sob. “I don’t deserve you -  _ huh _ ?”

Dedede had drawn him close to his chest. “It’s alright. You’re away from him, and realized what you did was wrong.” He reached over and scooped up Gooey into the embrace, who woke up and issued a yawn. “Listen, I promise… after we deal with the bullshit here, we’ll go back to your universe and help take him down.”

“I… Sire, you’d do that?”

“Of course. Call it diplomatic relations if you want.” Dedede seemed to hesitate for a moment. “Um… can I kiss you?”

Escargoon hadn’t been expecting that question. He glanced down at Gooey, who was already drifting off to sleep between them, as if he was asking permission. He shrugged, covered Gooey’s eyes, then looked back up at the king. “Go for it.”

Dedede brought Escargoon closer, then leaned forward, closing his eyes...

Right as Gooey let loose an ugly gurgle, shattering the mood like an expensive vase. Escargoon laughed, flicking at Gooey with his tail. “He’s got the right idea, y’know. The whole idea of us sleeping in the same bed was so that I could rest easy, not stay up all night suckin’ face.”

Dedede chuckled. “You’re right. We can kiss all we want in the morning. Come here.” He cuddled Escargoon to his chest, who happily curled up next to him, listening to the deep thud of his heart. “Sleep tight, Goonie.”

“You too, Sire.”

Escargoon wasn’t sure when he’d drifted off to sleep, but the next thing he knew, he was back in the place he visited normally when he slept, a garden filled with flowers he’d never seen before. Someone grabbed him immediately, and he whirled to see that woman, Sectonia, staring him directly in the face. “Can you understand me, Escargoon?”

To his surprise, he did, and gave a swift nod.

Sectonia let go of him, sighing in relief. “Max! Max, he  _ finally _ understands!”

“It’s about bloody time, too.” Ah, there was Haltmann, stepping out from behind a rosebush. “We’ve been trying to get through to you for a while now, you know! Hopefully it’s not too late!”

“Oh hush, Max. Of course it’s not too late - they haven’t finished the ritual.” Sectonia chided, while whacking Haltmann over the head. It earned her a stern glare, but Haltmann said nothing.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down - what ritual?” Escargoon demanded. “If this is important, you two should tell me before I wake up instead of flirting!”

Haltmann turned a brilliant, ruby red. “ _ F-flirting _ ? I’m old enough to be her  _ father _ , you ruffian! I’ll have you know -”

A rumble interrupted his blustering, and the ground beneath them shook. Haltmann ran forward to steady Sectonia, while Escargoon clung to a nearby bench. Sectonia watched the sky, worried. “It’s not too late, but… it’s getting close…”

The sudden earthquake ceased, and Sectonia took hold of one of Escargoon’s hands. “This way, if you will.” She led him through the garden, to a shallow pool with a surface that was smooth as a mirror. There, she poked the surface, revealing a strange scene beneath it.  Horrible creatures, ones that wore skull-like masks, were hovering around a runed circle. “They’ve been at this for a few years now,” Sectonia explained. “And they’re getting more desperate.” 

A live, terrified Scarfy was suddenly thrust into the circle. “P-please, I just want to go home!” they whimpered, their body shifting between their cute side and ugly side. “Leave me alone!”

Sectonia averted her eyes as the skull creatures descended upon the Scarfy, and Escargoon followed suit as pained screams rose up from the pool. “Why would they do this?” he whispered. “What did that guy ever do to them?”

“Nothing,” Haltmann explained as he approached. “It’s only another sacrifice to their god.”

“Their god… is that the Necrodeus guy Daroach and Kirby were talking about?” Escargoon asked, looking back at the pool - and then he saw someone familiar. “Oh, for crying out loud,  _ he’s _ involved in this too?”

Dark Meta Knight had approached the circle, drawing the attention of the skull creatures. “He keeps turning up like a bad penny, that one.” Haltmann muttered as he rubbed his chin. 

“Hmph. I hope this is the time it really backfires on him.” Sectonia spat. “Necrodeus will happily eat him alive. I’d bet my crown on it - not that it means anything, but -”

“Okay, so.” Escargoon cleared his throat as he watched Dark Meta Knight gather the blood for… something. “From what I’m gatherin', they’re trying to summon Necrodeus, right?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Sectonia nodded. “Actually, it’s more of a resurrection, only Necrodeus doesn’t truly die… and he’s trying to assist them, by planting his own memories around the island.”

“And that’s what those tears are?” 

“Mhm.” Sectonia focused on the pool. “From what we know, if the ritual is interrupted - huh? What’s going on?”

The skull creatures were now transfixed on a nearby bush. “Maybe it’s just an animal of some sort.” Escargoon offered, and was quickly proven wrong. “Uh oh… looks like the circus is in town.”

Marx had emerged from the bush, a goofy grin plastered across his face. “Yoooo, what’s poppin’ gamers?” he crowed, twirling as he summoned a ball beneath his feet. “Y’all mind if I -” he kicked the ball straight towards Dark Meta Knight, who deflected it with his sword.

Escargoon had seen enough. “I think I should wake up now.”

  
  
  



	19. quick update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm tired of leaving you guys in the dark

hey, so

i'm not happy with the latest chapter. I've been rewriting it over and over, but i'm still not satisfied with how it's turning out.

you can see it [here](https://escargoon-sandwich.tumblr.com/post/626122949126225921/marx-attempts-to-ruin-a-chatfic-scrapped-chapter). i'm probably keeping the first few parts, but other then that, i'm kind of stuck. combined with personal issues, i've had a lot of anxiety regarding this fic. i've actually considered orphaning it now and then, but i know you guys love this fic.

if i can find the time between my job searching, i'm going to try to outline what happens next, and that's probably going to be the last chapter. maybe there will be two, but i'm not done writing in this verse after it (you might notice that this fic is in it's own series now!). i might even write things post-necrodeus arc before i make the next chapter? i don't know.

I also have another series i'm working on, however it's more anime-centric and if you're more of a fan of the games you might not like it.

this chapter will most likely be deleted at the end of the month, i mostly made it to update you guys on what's going on.

that's all. i hope you guys are safe.


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